My Story;

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 Years ago I was married for 9 yrs to a man wBPD whom I loved very much.  He had not been diagnosed as far as we knew back then.  About a year ago I came across some old papers from that era, one of which a psychiatrist indicated that he felt my H had BPD.  We were married after a very short engagement (4 mo) and had a child who is now grown up and has her own family.  BTW I was 20, he 27 when we married  (my 1st M, his 2nd).  The 1st year was fabulous (not even one argument) and I became pregnant after 10 mos.  It was he who suggested we have a baby and we discussed the pros and cons, ultimately deciding to stop using contraception. When we thought I was preg, went to the dr and he sent me for a blood test.  While waiting for the result, my H told me if the test was positive, I had to have an abortion!  I was so confused and devastated as we had talked about "what ifs" as I was on a waiting list to tx to another college in the fall (we met during break from school (me, not him); he  had recently moved here from another state & had a good job.  We had decided if I became preg (yep I was) I would go back to school the next year instead.       
 
 I was an emotional mess, crying,not sleeping, no appetite.  I was horrified that my H did not want our child.  He said he wanted me to go to school instead?  When I went to Dr, I broke down told him what H said & I did not want to have an abortion.  Dr told me u need to stand up 4 ur self, tell him if he wants me he has to take the baby too-we R a package deal now.  H said "ok but I won't love it!"  I said that's your call. That was the 1st bump in the road. My personality was that of an introvert, quiet and shy.  H was definitely the dominant partner. 

As the pregnancy progressed, H decorated the nursery (painted, new furn & carpet), so I assumed he had moved toward accepting the baby. H was present for the birth & I watched him as the Dr put our beautiful baby girl in his arms. I had never seen him so happy!  I felt as if everything was going 2 B ok.

[Cookie Monster]

 Years ago I was married for 9 yrs to a man wBPD whom I loved very much.  He had not been diagnosed as far as we knew back then.  About a year ago I came across some old papers from that era, one of which a psychiatrist indicated that he felt my H had BPD.  We were married after a very short engagement (4 mo) and had a child who is now grown up and has her own family.  BTW I was 20, he 27 when we married  (my 1st M, his 2nd).  The 1st year was fabulous (not even one argument) and I became pregnant after 10 mos.  It was he who suggested we have a baby and we discussed the pros and cons, ultimately deciding to stop using contraception. When we thought I was preg, went to the dr and he sent me for a blood test.  While waiting for the result, my H told me if the test was positive, I had to have an abortion!  I was so confused and devastated as we had talked about "what ifs" as I was on a waiting list to tx to another college in the fall (we met during break from school (me, not him); he  had recently moved here from another state & had a good job.  We had decided if I became preg (yep I was) I would go back to school the next year instead.       
 
 I was an emotional mess, crying,not sleeping, no appetite.  I was horrified that my H did not want our child.  He said he wanted me to go to school instead?  When I went to Dr, I broke down told him what H said & I did not want to have an abortion.  Dr told me u need to stand up 4 ur self, tell him if he wants me he has to take the baby too-we R a package deal now.  H said "ok but I won't love it!"  I said that's your call. That was the 1st bump in the road. My personality was that of an introvert, quiet and shy.  H was definitely the dominant partner. 

As the pregnancy progressed, H decorated the nursery (painted, new furn & carpet), so I assumed he had moved toward accepting the baby. H was present for the birth & I watched him as the Dr put our beautiful baby girl in his arms. I had never seen him so happy!  I felt as if everything was going 2 B ok.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Cookie Monster-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you went through that, seems very inconsistent on your husband's part, and very painful emotionally.  If you were married for 9 years and your daughter is grown with her own family now, that was quite a while ago; is the relationship still weighing on you, or were you just reminiscing?

[Mutt]

Hi Cookie Monster,



I'd like to join  fromheeltoheal and welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. What a horrible ordeal.

About a year ago I came across some old papers from that era, one of which a psychiatrist indicated that he felt my H had BPD

What happened since you found the papers?

[Cookie Monster]

[quote author=Mutt link=topic=302067.msg12822867#msg12822867 date=148071

"What happened since you found the papers?"

TY Mutt,  I've been learning about BPD.  See part 2 (going 2 do it today),  understanding the disorder helps 2 make sense of 9 yrs of chaos & trauma. I'm still trying to deal w the guilt & anger thru therapy.   I've also learned much about myself (how I handled grief-or didn,t).  I've struggled w depression (about every 10 yrs I end up n the big black hole & require med & therapy).  I am trying to deal w what happened n healthier ways to stop the cycle of depression. I know I still have unresolved issues but I think progress has been made. TY 4 the support.

[Mutt]

You're welcome. I have anxiety and depression too, depression is brutal, you can ask your T for strategies. I am glad to hear that you're making progress  

[Cookie Monster]

Hi Cookie Monster-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you went through that, seems very inconsistent on your husband's part, and very painful emotionally.  If you were married for 9 years and your daughter is grown with her own family now, that was quite a while ago; is the relationship still weighing on you, or were you just reminiscing?

TY heeltoheal.  Read my post 2 Mutt-that will explain it partially.  I'm going 2 do part 2 as soon as I can.  I am currently estranged (13 yrs) from my dtr.  She blames me for what happened years ago, & everything else.  She was verbally abusive last time we talked on the phone & I hung up on her.  She had lots of problems during her teens (rages, but not as bad as her father, threatened 2 hurt herself, drugs, DUI 16, stole my car age 15 & went joy driving w a friend more than once, skipped school, lied incessantly, threatened 2 hit my Mom, hit me, etc. You get the idea. I felt as tho history was repeating itself.  There is a history of mental illness in her father's (my H) family (maternal aunt, H's daughter from 1st marriage, dtrs father (H),  all died from suicide as young adults)  I see BPD traits in her, she uses many defense mechanisms seen in those w BPD.   TY 4 ur reply.