New mom with a BPD sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi BPD Community,

This is my first post here. I'm looking for some help, perspective, and possibly some comfort/peace of mind. I just became a new mom. My son was born almost 2 months ago and I'm so happy. I'm also protective as any new mom would be. So, my potentially BPD sister is a concern to me. I'll explain... .

I'm under the assumption my older sister has BPD. I've been seeing a psychologist for about 5 years and she is the one that suggested my sister might be BPD. I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and thought this book was written about my sister. I've also read many scholarly journals that all fit her personality and childhood perfectly. She has been to many therapists/psychiatrists and tells us she has been diagnosed with depression/anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. I'm not sure if she has ever been diagnosed with BPD; I just know she hasn't told us she has. She has tried various medications but stops using them. She currently takes high levels of xanax to "be a nice person" (her quote). Her predominant BPD characteristic is rage. We live in different states and whenever I go home, she usually ends up raging, either towards me or another family member (usually our mom). She has been raging ever since we were little and she is now almost 40 years old. My mother has taught emotionally handicapped children for most of her life, so this behavior isn't that strange for her. My mother physically restraining my sister was a common occurrence growing up. I'm quiet and responsible, so I have ended up being the "strange" one in the family.

I've, for the most part, made my peace with my sister's behavior. I don't go home often, I limit my phone calls with her since she gets me depressed and puts me down, and I try not to think about her often since it makes me anxious. Everything I do that is different from what she does she tells me is horrible so I have grown up with pretty low self esteem. I've worked on improving my self esteem through therapy, but I still shut down when I'm around her. For the most part, my limited contact and my personal efforts to ignore her behavior has worked.

However, now I have a baby and I don't want him to be affected by her. I also worry what he will feel when he sees me become "shut down" when I'm around my sister. I don't want him to see her raging and I would definitely not leave him alone with her because I am pretty certain she would hurt him physically and/or emotionally.

She wanted to come visit with me for a few days to see my baby. I made up excuses for her not to come (I don't say much regarding her behavior and I definitely have not told her that I think she is BPD). She saw through my excuses and blew up at me through text and told me she wants nothing to do with me. My mom got involved and is taking her side. My mom agrees that she thinks my sister is BPD and that she is emotionally unstable, but my mom thinks I should just deal with it.

I am so exhausted from dealing with my sister and I want to start a new life with my family. I don't want to pass on my family's dysfunction and I am tempted to just allow my mom and sister to shut me out for good and for us to go our separate ways, but of course this makes me feel guilty. And I am sad to be losing my mom. But at the end of the day I really do want what is best for my baby and husband. Thoughts? Thank you!

[TeddyRose]

Hi BPD Community,

This is my first post here. I'm looking for some help, perspective, and possibly some comfort/peace of mind. I just became a new mom. My son was born almost 2 months ago and I'm so happy. I'm also protective as any new mom would be. So, my potentially BPD sister is a concern to me. I'll explain... .

I'm under the assumption my older sister has BPD. I've been seeing a psychologist for about 5 years and she is the one that suggested my sister might be BPD. I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and thought this book was written about my sister. I've also read many scholarly journals that all fit her personality and childhood perfectly. She has been to many therapists/psychiatrists and tells us she has been diagnosed with depression/anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. I'm not sure if she has ever been diagnosed with BPD; I just know she hasn't told us she has. She has tried various medications but stops using them. She currently takes high levels of xanax to "be a nice person" (her quote). Her predominant BPD characteristic is rage. We live in different states and whenever I go home, she usually ends up raging, either towards me or another family member (usually our mom). She has been raging ever since we were little and she is now almost 40 years old. My mother has taught emotionally handicapped children for most of her life, so this behavior isn't that strange for her. My mother physically restraining my sister was a common occurrence growing up. I'm quiet and responsible, so I have ended up being the "strange" one in the family.

I've, for the most part, made my peace with my sister's behavior. I don't go home often, I limit my phone calls with her since she gets me depressed and puts me down, and I try not to think about her often since it makes me anxious. Everything I do that is different from what she does she tells me is horrible so I have grown up with pretty low self esteem. I've worked on improving my self esteem through therapy, but I still shut down when I'm around her. For the most part, my limited contact and my personal efforts to ignore her behavior has worked.

However, now I have a baby and I don't want him to be affected by her. I also worry what he will feel when he sees me become "shut down" when I'm around my sister. I don't want him to see her raging and I would definitely not leave him alone with her because I am pretty certain she would hurt him physically and/or emotionally.

She wanted to come visit with me for a few days to see my baby. I made up excuses for her not to come (I don't say much regarding her behavior and I definitely have not told her that I think she is BPD). She saw through my excuses and blew up at me through text and told me she wants nothing to do with me. My mom got involved and is taking her side. My mom agrees that she thinks my sister is BPD and that she is emotionally unstable, but my mom thinks I should just deal with it.

I am so exhausted from dealing with my sister and I want to start a new life with my family. I don't want to pass on my family's dysfunction and I am tempted to just allow my mom and sister to shut me out for good and for us to go our separate ways, but of course this makes me feel guilty. And I am sad to be losing my mom. But at the end of the day I really do want what is best for my baby and husband. Thoughts? Thank you!

[Charlie3236]

Hi TeddyRose & welcome... .you are definitely in the right place and on the right path to dealing with your sister.

I could have completely written your story... .the only difference is that my BPD is my little sister, and enabler is dad.

I'm also a recent new mom who went through this with little sis, and she lives ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME! I was completely terrified, but honestly it wasn't as bad and I thought. I still got the whole "you're the best sister ever" followed by silent treatment when I wouldn't leave my son alone with her (I will never leave him alone with her!). Your mother instincts kind of kick in, and you intuitively know what is going to be best for your child... .And then that's all there is!

If your gut is telling you that having her for a visit (at least right now) is a bad thing, then trust your instincts and be glad she's off your radar for a while! You'll have to set firm boundaries, and be able to say no and stand behind it, and not worry about her temper-tantrums or even her feelings (she doesn't care about yours, and she certainly won't care about the baby's, so that should make it easier).

At least you live really far away from her, that will make your daily life much more stable.
Good luck & God bless! Congrats on the new love-bundle!

[TeddyRose]

Thank you, Charlie3236! It is so helpful to hear that someone else understands. In regards to my sister, I do feel a weight has been lifted. I tried to put some parameters around her visiting my son by telling her that I would come home in about 2 months and she could meet him then. I've been trying to put more parameters and boundaries up for the last few years in order to lessen my stress level, as suggested by my therapist. I think now she knows why I am doing this and it was too much for her. She's basically told me what she wants nothing to do with me, which should be hurtful but I just feel free.

The hard part is losing my mom. Even though my mom says she understands and knows my sister is probably BPD, she still thinks we should bend to her. My role in the family is to be the quiet one that helps everyone and doesn't have any needs of her own. I grew up thinking this would always be my role and that I would never be lovable enough to get married, have kids and a life of my own. My mom and sister would tell me that I needed to make lots of money and take care of them. I know a part of them was serious. It is too hard for my family to think that I would have a life and needs of my own. So, naturally, my mom is annoyed with me and is taking my sister's side. Have you dealt with separating from your enabling dad? I've stood up to my sister a handful of times in my life, which has resulted in major blow ups. My mom always takes my sister's side, not because she agrees with her, but b/c she is annoyed that I stood up to her. My mom needs to be needed and I rarely need her, which is why she is in such a co-dependent relationship with my sister. I understand the logic of all of this, but it still really hurts and leaves me kind of panicked that I might lose her. Should I risk losing my mom in order to get peace? Thanks for the help and lending a sympathetic ear!

[Fie]

Hello Teddyrose  

Congrats with the baby !  
You have your own family now. Choosing your newly found happiness is in no way selfish, if that is what you really want.
You were groomed to not have an own life, so I can perfectly see that you would feel guilty if you just did that.
Being the child of a BPD mum I know the dynamics behind that.

But at the end of the day I really do want what is best for my baby and husband.

And you, what about you ? What do you really want ? What if your mum sticks to choosing sides with your sister ?

Even though my mom says she understands and knows my sister is probably BPD, she still thinks we should bend to her.

Why do you think that is ? Do you think your mum feels in some way guilty about something towards your sister ?

The hard part is losing my mom.

Do you like the relationship you are having with your mum now ?


Do I read between the lines of your post that you have kind of made up your mind already about this ? Or am I misinterpreting ? Every person is different, and some members choose to go NC (no contact) with their family, and some don't. But no one here will judge you, whichever choice you make. We all know what it's like to have BPD family members.