He's getting help. Will it work out?

[Lily123]

7 months ago I met the man I call my soul mate.  He loves me and I love him.  I have never been in such a deep and meaningful relationship.
Unfortunately he was diagnosed with BPD 5 months ago and displays all the traits of it.  However he is not controlling, aggressive or abusive at all.  He lacks confidence in himself to maintain the relationship.  He feels I don't love him as much as he does me. He has talked about abandonment he would feel if we weren't together. He has thought of suicide but has not threatened it to get what he wants.
The big plus is he is getting help and he does practice the tools he has been given to cope.  I have set the boundary that our relationship cannot progress if he is not actively trying to get better.  He accepts this.
My question is that we are doing all the right things by getting help and trying to get better but does it work?  What is the long term prognosis for someone with BPD?  Am I putting myself through all this for a relationship that is doomed no matter how hard he tries to get better?  I see improvements and then we go back to the start again.
I can't seem to find the answers to these questions.  His therapist seems to think it will improve but is this realistic and likely?  Or am I deluded in thinking we can beat this?

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[livednlearned]

Hi Lily123,

Welcome and hello  

That's great that your BF is willing to get help. It's a big deal for someone with BPD to recognize he or she needs help and actively work on changing. Things getting better followed periods of backsliding is pretty normal for anyone trying to get better, whether BPD or not. Change is hard  

There are people whose BPD symptoms go into remission. I've heard leading BPD experts also say that families who learn to improve their own relationship skills in relating with their BPD loved ones can make an enormous difference.

If you feel like reading, there is a section on this board called Success Stories that might be useful. And Buddha and the Borderline is a memoir written by a woman who went through DBT, who is very candid about how DBT fit in to her recovery.

What are some of the behaviors that you find the most challenging? Do you live together? Have you had a chance to meet his therapist in person?

LnL

[livednlearned]

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[Lily123]

Hi Livednlearned
Thankyou so much for your reply. You sound like you really know about this.  No I haven't met his therapist but I have suggested that I'd like to.  I think I will push for that to happen.
I know when he is going to go down hill. It happens about once or twice a week which is an improvement on where he was a few months ago when newly diagnosed.
We still have our own separate homes however manage to be together for most of the week.  I feel it is still important for me to have a few evenings to myself.  This is something he sees as me not being fully invested in the relationship.  I am able to handle what we have at the moment but are really worried about getting further involved.
I know from the tone in his voice when he's going down hill.  Is this normal.
Most challenging things are me feeling comfortable enough to say what I want without worrying about how it will affect him. Being strong enough to insist that he do what we have planned to do and not let me down. Like when we were going out and he suddenly decided he didn't want to go.  I find that embarrassing to have to go and tell our friends that he didn't want to be there. 
I feel this may be a honeymoon period because I've read how bad it can get.  I am proud of him. He is the perfect partner in public and most of the time at home. 
We have an agreement that if he can get 80% well then I will help him with the rest.
I just don't know if this is manageable in the long term.

[livednlearned]

Having separate homes is probably healthy for now, so you can take time to learn about BPD and shore up some helpful skills like validation and SET (support, empathy, truth) statements.

Is he doing dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)? 

He may always struggle with extreme anxiety. It sounds like he tries his best to show up, and then goes into a downward spiral of self-doubt and anxiety.

A lot of people with BPD feel extremely inadequate, and are very self-referential, so that if you two go out and he feels you are talking to someone and no one is talking to him, he will interpret something that innocuous in the most negative way.

It's hard to see it this way when you are hoping for a normal night out, but he is probably almost paralyzed with social anxiety and feels he can't function properly.

The key for us is to lower expectations and try to not compound the situation with shame -- he probably feels bad about feeling bad, and it's a quick sink to the bottom from there. He probably also feels bad if you don't end up going out, even tho he wants you to stay. In general, it's best to stick to your plans so he can see that you're strong enough to tolerate his inconsistent moods and neediness. People with BPD tend (at least without therapy) to not be very good at asking for what they need in a straightforward, direct way.

[MrWtn1978]

Sounds like you're having a realistic outlook about this.  The fact that he is in therapy and you sense an improvement is a good sign.  However, it does depend on him following through with therapy long term.  Very wise to maintain your own homes... .the deeper you get into the relationship the harder it can be to be objective.  Sounds like you have good boundaries: evenings along and to yourself.  Him being active in therapy to continue in the relationship. 

Give it time, to see if it is something you can deal with long term, and also to see his commitment level long term, before you become more involved in the relationship.

Best wishes!

[Lily123]

Thankyou for the advice. From what I've read we are doing all the right things and taking time to see if it will work long term is good advice.

I'm not sure what type of therapy he is having.  It involves body scans and focusing in on his feelings and  breaking the cycle of negative thoughts.  He is meant to do a 30 minute body scan twice a day.

He is only at the beginning of the therapy so I guess it takes time to learn it all. He tells me the tools help but he doesn't always recognize when he needs to use them.  At the moment he will listen to me when I point out he is going down hill.

Thankyou for this site, it really is helping me to understand that he has been telling me the absolute truth about how he thinks, feels and why he is as he is. It has actually validated what he has told me

[livednlearned]

A couple of books that can really help with communication skills:

Shari Manning's Loving Someone with Borderline, and Valerie Porr's book (name escapes me). Both helped me unlock some mysteries about how my BPD loved one was experiencing her reality, which was so different than my own. And then figure out a set of skills I could try until one worked.

Also, body scans are just a mindfulness practice where you focus on each part of your body, learning to abide yourself, which is something that a lot of people with BPD are terrified to do.

One thing that makes it hard to tell whether he will recover or not, or be too difficult to stay with, is that there is a presentation of BPD sometimes called quiet borderline. Instead of externalizing rage and abusing other people aggressively, which is what you read most about on these boards, people with quiet borderline tend to internalize their anger and rage. You can sense the emotions, and maybe see disassociation happen, but much of what is going on emotionally happens in deep water.