discussing BPD

[novembercharlie]

I'm wondering what your conversations about BPD with your loved ones look like, and if you have any advice on approaching the discussion.   My person disclosed that he had been diagnosed years ago, but has never really undergone any type of treatment. I honestly don't know that he even fully  understands what BPD is or how it impacts his life. I get the impression that I've done more research in the past several months than he has done since the diagnosis well over a decade ago. When he initially disclosed it seemed as though things were fairly "normal", but after finding out about some pretty major impending life changes things are completely out of control.

Not only am I feeling the pain that he's putting me through with a steady stream of verbal and emotional abuse, but I also see the pain that he's in and I'm drowning in it. I understand that he ultimately has to take responsibility for his own well being, but I want to do what I can to guide and support him. My gut tells me that pointing out that most of his behavior is a direct result of this illness is the right thing to do, but I know that it's also very likely walking into a hornets nest. 

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[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi there, novembercharlie,

Glad you found us, you are welcome here!

You're in a difficult spot, but in many ways it gives you a good place to operate from. Many, if not most, of the members here, myself included, struggled with relationships of various sorts with people who are not diagnosed at all. While getting or having a diagnosis is not some magical cure-all, it can be helpful. Here is a resource for people with BPD that you may want to consider sharing with your person: www.bpdresources.net/

As for you and how you will deal with it, please have a look at the banner here on the right. There are a lot of good tips and lessons on managing conflict and taking care of yourself. That is your primary responsibility, by the way, novembercharlie: to take care of yourself.

A relationship with a pwBPD makes some pretty big demands on us to be centered and wise, patient and consistent, empathetic and resourceful. It is ok to see and feel for another's pain, but many of us did so at the cost of our own mental and even physical health. Stay aware.

Can you say more about the "major impending life changes" that have caused things to go out of control? How long had you been together before things turned? 

[novembercharlie]

Thank you so much, VitaminC.  I'm finally ready to try and take care of myself.  I've spent hours reading here today, and I can't tell you how much this all means to me.  I've tried talking to my own friends and loved ones, and I've never felt so isolated.  No one can fathom why I continue to have a relationship with this man, little do they know that they don't know the worst of it.  They can never know the worst of it, they would never understand why I  have chosen to let this person remain in my life. 

Our relationship wasn't ever necessarily defined, but after about 6 months of limbo he made the decision to change things.  After going through the list of everything that could ever be wrong with me, he finally shared that he needed me but that he knew he would ultimately ruin us and that the only way we could have a forever relationship was for us to be best friends.  We also moved in together approximately 5 months in to the relationship. All in all we've spent a year together at this point.   

The impending changes are a move, on his part, not mine.  I very clearly see that us being separated is triggering every fear of abandonment that he's ever had.