Engulfment/Abandonment Fears

[JJacks0]

For some reason something clicked today that I can't believe I didn't think about sooner.
I started thinking about times when my ex's behaviors might be explained by the opposing fears of engulfment/abandonment. I might be off base with this, but I wanted to see if this sounded plausible to those of you who are more knowledgeable.

- Maybe 3 years into our relationship, I thought that things were going really well for us again. Felt like we were having another honeymoon period. During this time, I caught my ex "sexting" a coworker. It was so confusing to me because I felt like that would be something she'd do when things were bad with us if anything... .not good. She confessed to me that she didn't actually feel like things were that good, and that we were on different pages. On paper (and I think to most people) it would look like things were going quite well. So I'm wondering if our revived closeness triggered an engulfment fear? She has been known to self-sabotage as her T always said. Maybe she was afraid of intimacy and so began the "push".

When I caught her "sexting" this coworker, I was so upset and I left for the night - went to a family member's house. I came home but I didn't sleep with her. I'm sure she perceived it to be a threat and she did everything in her power to get me back. This seems like an abandonment fear was triggered, hence the "pull" back.

- She also started lying about what she was doing or when she got done with work. She'd tell me she was done much later so that she could stay and drink with coworkers without me. She could've just told me, but she didn't. She later said that she wanted a life outside of me that was only hers. This sounds like engulfment fears to me as well.

- At the end of our r/s, she originally wanted to stay together. However, while trying to work things out she analyzed my every move, and if I wasn't affectionate enough she would get very upset. (perceived abandonment?)

But as soon as I was affectionate she would make comments about how if she got back together with me she would ignore everyone else in her life... .so she'd pull away again and tell me we needed to see other people. (perceived engulfment?)

The only time that there was actually NO major problem was when we were still living together and "together", but we were treating it more casually. We weren't really physically intimate anymore, but she also knew I wasn't seeing anyone else. We were still exclusive but we didn't act romantic.
I'm wondering if the reason that this brief period of time... .out of a 7 year relationship, was calm because we had hit that balance for her where she wasn't really afraid of anything. Of course this is just a theory, but in a way it seems like she didn't fear engulfment (since we weren't very intimate), but she didn't fear abandonment because we still were committed to each other and living together.

I just thought about this because it struck me that out of 7 years, only approximately 1 year was pretty calm... .and it happened to be the year that we were more so in this state of limbo with our relationship.

Does this sound like a reasonable explanation?

[woundedPhoenix]

Hey JJacks0,

It is a very reasonable explanation, and it's really odd that we in hindsight recognize the dynamic that has been puzzling us for so many years.

I was aware of the fear of abandonment from the start. So i kind of had a mixed approach to that in comforting her fears on that and accepting it, at the same time it also gave me a comfy feeling that whatever fight or incident we had, she would eventually come back due to that.

What i didn't see is the fear of engulfment... .Cause if i had, i would have known that the out of the blue quarrels and conflicts where not always about the topic at hand, but due to her need to take some distance. I made the mistake to sometimes try to fix issues that where actually Engulfment episodes, on the other hand half way into the relationship i gave up trying to solve certain issues, real issues that could have made a difference.

And then you could say, the ideal solution would have been to find that middle ground between Abandonment and Engulfment, like you described that balanced period, which was calm but was based on a state of "limbo".

Problem with that i think, is that it is a balanced state, without any of the intense emotions... .It is totally healthy, but it isn't feeling like "love", as they - and perhaps we too in a way - have come to associate "love" with these fears.

My ex herself says that our relationship, despite the various issues we both brought to the table, was the healthiest she ever had, maybe therefor that she fought for it so long as well.

But it didn't last, and i can blame it totally on the dynamic or the BPD, but deep down i know it was also the way i started to react to things, by only understanding half of that dynamic, that made it all worse.

The more she needed her distance, the more i tried to reconnect or improve the relationship. In the end i may have soffocated her.



 

[heartandwhole]

Hi JJacks0,

Yes, I think you have seen the pattern well. And just another addition: often when we think things are going well or badly, a pwBPD can be having a very different experience of the relationship, unbeknownst to us. That's why actions can seem to be coming out of left field to us, but to our partners, their (re)actions make perfect sense.

Feelings=facts.

What's your takeaway from this insight?

heartandwhole