Making sense of failed relationship.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Good day, I posted this saga over on loveshack, and one of long time supporters commented that my now ex gf displayed some BPD behaviors. With permission, I am reposting that ordeal here, to obtain more specific understanding and advice.

"Normally when my relationships end, it is mutually accepted that things are over, and we both cleanly move on.

Bromeo - 37, MS, baller job, owns home, previously not thought to be overly sensitive.
Bromeo's ex - 36, hippy princess, believes in astrology, pot, and psychic readings. Very, very sensitive.

Opposites attracted like gang busters. Chemistry and connection were instant. She even laughed at my ghetto jokes. I was in love.

We dated for 18 months. Neither of us were perfect, we loved each fiercely, she moved in, and things went downhill.

Looking back, the first night she slept over, I was making pancakes for breakfast. She started crying. When asked, she said sometimes she just feels things so intensely. I had no idea what that meant.

I must take a second here to explain that during our 18 months, when something would happen that she didn't like, she would utterly disappear.

First time was a month trip to Louisiana, after finding a card from an ex that I was no longer seeing upon meeting her. No communication. Up and gone. Chased her back. Things were great.

Second was about 6 months later, gone for several weeks. Again no communication. Chased her back. She admitted later that she knew I was waiting for her, and arranged for another man to drop her off in front of me. Again, great.

Three months ago she moved out. I asked her not to go, and I took ownership for my contributions to our demise. Again, not a drop of clear communication.

Herein lies the issue. After she moved out, I went typically brutish. I was unused to this, and emailed, texted, called, begged, and gave gifts. I showed up at her work, and was acting unreasonable. My male brain just wanted clear communication or closure, which were not forthcoming, and very confusing for me.

She would accept my gifts, then back off. Text for awhile, then nothing. When we met up, we held hands, and she kissed my neck. I clearly communicated my desire to address her issues, and even presented evidence that I was addressing the things she disliked. Then nothing, then I love you texts, then nothing. Ignore my calls and emails, but then send pics of herself. Make plans, then stand me up. She has only ever said if she came back she was worried things wouldn't be different.

This led to extreme frustration, as she would not cut ties, but stonewalls any progress, but reached out sporadically. Clear communication? Nope.

Oh, and there was the post breakup sex, where she said she loved me, collected her diamond bracelet birthday gift, and then disappeared. I am not a causal sex guy, and that one was rough on me.

I have read extensively since then. I have been improving my communication skills, working on myself, volunteering, and journalling. After the last time she stood me up, I told her I couldn't chase any longer, that I needed some feedback, and that I can't continue to torture myself. Finally, if she wanted me, she needed to come get me. After that I initiated NC via email, and honestly I've felt better. I tried to not sound angry, communicate clearly, and leave lines open.

I do not wish for her to fade away, and I clearly acted like I lout, but you will not believe the contrasting advice I have received. It's been two months of chasing and 4 weeks NC. I love her, but I feel exhausted. I'm sure she does too. "

Some light FB research shows this disappearing act occurring as early as 2004.

As an update, I went to see her on November 20, after roughly a month nc. Told her I loved and missed her, wanted to reconcile and eventually marry. She told me she was with another man, made fun of him to me, made fun of me to her friends, and stood me up yet again.

Two weeks later, we have had two one hour, positive conversations. Then nothing for 3 days. Finally, after another distancing text received,  I told her unless she wanted to meet and reconcile not to contact me. Nothing since.

As previously stated, I am clearly no saint, acknowledged my mistakes, providing evidence of addressing her issues, etc with no progress.

Good grief this experience has been so rough on me. I truly thought something was very wrong with me. I'm just not bouncing back like I normally do.

If this experience sounds like BPD, please offer some suggestions on moving on or reconciling. At this point, anything would help. Looking back, the mirroring, idolization, the amazing sex, black white thinking, red flags were all there, though I don't want to fall into the causation/correlation trap.

I was so naive that I fell hard.

Thanks in advance.

[Bromeo]

Good day, I posted this saga over on loveshack, and one of long time supporters commented that my now ex gf displayed some BPD behaviors. With permission, I am reposting that ordeal here, to obtain more specific understanding and advice.

"Normally when my relationships end, it is mutually accepted that things are over, and we both cleanly move on.

Bromeo - 37, MS, baller job, owns home, previously not thought to be overly sensitive.
Bromeo's ex - 36, hippy princess, believes in astrology, pot, and psychic readings. Very, very sensitive.

Opposites attracted like gang busters. Chemistry and connection were instant. She even laughed at my ghetto jokes. I was in love.

We dated for 18 months. Neither of us were perfect, we loved each fiercely, she moved in, and things went downhill.

Looking back, the first night she slept over, I was making pancakes for breakfast. She started crying. When asked, she said sometimes she just feels things so intensely. I had no idea what that meant.

I must take a second here to explain that during our 18 months, when something would happen that she didn't like, she would utterly disappear.

First time was a month trip to Louisiana, after finding a card from an ex that I was no longer seeing upon meeting her. No communication. Up and gone. Chased her back. Things were great.

Second was about 6 months later, gone for several weeks. Again no communication. Chased her back. She admitted later that she knew I was waiting for her, and arranged for another man to drop her off in front of me. Again, great.

Three months ago she moved out. I asked her not to go, and I took ownership for my contributions to our demise. Again, not a drop of clear communication.

Herein lies the issue. After she moved out, I went typically brutish. I was unused to this, and emailed, texted, called, begged, and gave gifts. I showed up at her work, and was acting unreasonable. My male brain just wanted clear communication or closure, which were not forthcoming, and very confusing for me.

She would accept my gifts, then back off. Text for awhile, then nothing. When we met up, we held hands, and she kissed my neck. I clearly communicated my desire to address her issues, and even presented evidence that I was addressing the things she disliked. Then nothing, then I love you texts, then nothing. Ignore my calls and emails, but then send pics of herself. Make plans, then stand me up. She has only ever said if she came back she was worried things wouldn't be different.

This led to extreme frustration, as she would not cut ties, but stonewalls any progress, but reached out sporadically. Clear communication? Nope.

Oh, and there was the post breakup sex, where she said she loved me, collected her diamond bracelet birthday gift, and then disappeared. I am not a causal sex guy, and that one was rough on me.

I have read extensively since then. I have been improving my communication skills, working on myself, volunteering, and journalling. After the last time she stood me up, I told her I couldn't chase any longer, that I needed some feedback, and that I can't continue to torture myself. Finally, if she wanted me, she needed to come get me. After that I initiated NC via email, and honestly I've felt better. I tried to not sound angry, communicate clearly, and leave lines open.

I do not wish for her to fade away, and I clearly acted like I lout, but you will not believe the contrasting advice I have received. It's been two months of chasing and 4 weeks NC. I love her, but I feel exhausted. I'm sure she does too. "

Some light FB research shows this disappearing act occurring as early as 2004.

As an update, I went to see her on November 20, after roughly a month nc. Told her I loved and missed her, wanted to reconcile and eventually marry. She told me she was with another man, made fun of him to me, made fun of me to her friends, and stood me up yet again.

Two weeks later, we have had two one hour, positive conversations. Then nothing for 3 days. Finally, after another distancing text received,  I told her unless she wanted to meet and reconcile not to contact me. Nothing since.

As previously stated, I am clearly no saint, acknowledged my mistakes, providing evidence of addressing her issues, etc with no progress.

Good grief this experience has been so rough on me. I truly thought something was very wrong with me. I'm just not bouncing back like I normally do.

If this experience sounds like BPD, please offer some suggestions on moving on or reconciling. At this point, anything would help. Looking back, the mirroring, idolization, the amazing sex, black white thinking, red flags were all there, though I don't want to fall into the causation/correlation trap.

I was so naive that I fell hard.

Thanks in advance.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Bromeo,



I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has broken up (again). It is so difficult to stay centered when someone we love keeps disappearing and reappearing in our life. I know the feeling, and it hurts. I'm glad you reached out, because you've found a great place for support here. The members have been in similar situations and really understand what you are going through. A breakup with someone with BPD is not like a "normal" breakup—that is something I think all of us here will agree on.

Of course, we can't and don't try to diagnose anyone over the internet. Regardless of labels, the important thing is that her behavior and your responses to it have combined to create a kind of bond that can be very difficult to break. At least in the beginning of a separation.

The good news is that things really DO get better. They have for me and they can for you. It takes time and patience and compassion. And looking at ourselves, and probably seeing things that we've been avoiding for quite some time. That has been my experience, and as painful as it has been, I'm grateful for the learning and growth it has brought me.

When I first got here, I was hurting a lot and felt very confused. I read an article that really helped. Here it is, in case you haven't seen it yet:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

What belief do you think might be keeping you stuck (if any), Bromeo?

I thought that if I just changed enough, pwBPD would be happy, and then I would be happy.  I learned relatively quickly that it just doesn't work that way.

Do you have a good support system around you, e.g., friends/family or a therapist you can lean on? It really helps in times like these.

Keep writing, and let us know how we can best support you. This site has tons of resources and tools to help, and members ready to share their experiences and advice.  

heartandwhole

[joeramabeme]

Hi Bromeo

Welcome to BPD Family.  Heart and Whole provided a good link for reading that could provide some valuable insight for you.

Whether or not your ex is BPD is hard to say.  For many of us, our exes are never formally diagnosed.  In my case, I read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and it was like a biography of my marriage and I have been convinced ever since.  

Regarding all you have done to show your love and get your girl back in your life; if your ex is BPD know that the closer you try and get to her, the more you will trigger her disorder.  That is the insanity of BPD.  

People with BP desire to be emotionally intimate in the same way you and I do.  However, they have an even greater and deeply suppressed fear of abandonment and enmeshment.  The pwBPD does battle with their unseen/unknown internal forces and we see the manifestation of this as; "come here - go away".

Even more confounding, since they are unaware of their own internal struggles they verbally/sexually and in other ways give us the "come here" message while simultaneously acting out the "go away" message in the form of crazy-making, confusing, abusive behaviors & words.  Their psyche cannot allow this hidden nature to rise to the level of conscious awareness.  

These BP behaviors typically stem from early childhood-development deficiencies. Since they can't see it and are unable to manage it; they project their pain and confusion outwardly onto those who are closest to them.  For us non's, given that we do not know what is going on inside them and having a predisposed propensity to accept this conflicting behavior; many of us incorrectly take responsibility for their behaviors and think if we can only do xyz a little better/different, she will then see I love her!  In fact, these behaviors are more likely to trigger them to push you further away and find ever more reasons as to why you are insufficient.  

This very chaotic and mixed message results in a deep confusion and a sense of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  In the course of the r/s many of us likewise become disoriented about which way is up or down / left or right / do they love me or hate me / want me to stay or go, etc.

Again, if she is BP, you are more than likely pushing her further away the closer you try to get.

Have you read any of the literature on this site?

JRB

BTW - what does this mean? "MS, baller job"

[Mutt]

Hi Bromeo,



I'd like to join the others and welcome you. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad that you decided to reach out for help. Like te others pointed out, we can't diagnose our exes, only a profesional can do that. What we can do is look at BPD traits and have boundaries for BPD or bad behaviors.

I had thought that up to the point of breaking up I was tough because I had been through a lot in life, the break up was something else, the most painful things i've experienced. I lurked for a week on this site and was reading different threads and post after post it was like something that I went through with my ex. Look around and read different threads.

You're in the right place. You're not alone. Hang in there.

[Bromeo]

Friends,

Thank you for your kind words and support. I was directed here by one of the more respected members on ls.

I have lurked and read quite a bit of literature on this site. As Joe stated, the difficulty for me was in the come here/push away behavior. There was never any clear communication, at any point. And even when she told me (finally) to move on, three days later sent me a love song. And, best of all, was seeing someone else at the time supposedly, though there is no evidence to support that.

The referenced article described my relationship perfectly. Everything was simply my fault, the abandonment, push/pull, white knight (she even called me this), etc. I had no idea why this was occurring. The mirroring was amazing, hell, she even began ordering my drink at my coffee shop and was polishing her shoes like me.

I also see her disengaging over time. That is also clear.

I feel unequipped to handle such a relationship. It has been terribly difficult on me for months. And, like the article clearly stated, my longing for a return to the good times made me accept a deplorable level of treatment from her for said months.

My question is simply, if addressing issues and trying to communicate drives her further away, which it appears to be doing, and giving her space isn't the correct mechanism either, than how do you go about mending a flawed relationship?

When I went to see her, and professed my love, according to her, she went home and cried for three hours. But there is never any forward action.

I cleaned her remaining things out of my home today, and submitted for a transfer back to the east coast to be closer to my family.

If it cannot be repaired, than I cannot be stuck in limbo, and need away from her.

Thank you very much for your time in reading and offering advice.

[Bromeo]

Oh, and ms means masters degree.

Baller job - respected position.

I slipped into jargon over at ls, but will endeavor to professionalize my comments moving forward.

[joeramabeme]

My question is simply, if addressing issues and trying to communicate drives her further away, which it appears to be doing, and giving her space isn't the correct mechanism either, than how do you go about mending a flawed relationship?

 . . . If it cannot be repaired, than I cannot be stuck in limbo, and need away from her.

I wouldn't go as far as to say it cannot be repaired and made to be functional if you BOTH choose to do that; but if you read the BPD literature and understand the illness, the next question that would come to my mind is would you want to do that? 

pwBPD have a childlike neediness that is centered on their emotions.  And like a child, they are not aware that anything is wrong with having this point of view.  Relationship w a BPD is tantamount to care taking an individual who cannot navigate an adult relationship in an an adult manner. 

If you are seriously contemplating this; have a read of the Conflicted or Deciding board and see if this is something you would be open to.

Regarding being stuck in limbo, many of us struggle to get closure.  There are so many post relationship memories that arise afterwards and our partners are not available to level set these memories with us and even still, their memory of past events is often skewed by hyper emotionalized memories.  Further, many of our exes have "painted us black"; their black and white way of seeing the world has boomeranged on us and we are on the dark side of that viewpoint.

That is why many of us are still here long after the r/s ends, getting closure by understanding the disorder and why we stayed in the relationship when so many  's clearly indicated that something was wrong.

[Bromeo]

Joe (and others),

Thank you for your time in reading and responding to my post. I spent all of Sunday reading articles and feeling an amazing sense of camaraderie from the other members here.

All along I have felt like something was different and off, but couldn't identify what the problem was.

And, the push/pull was very difficult for me to understand and process.

I am of course not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I will say that the similarities are STRIKING.

After experiencing such a renaissance, I felt a sense of clarity that had been absent for months.

As I was feeling very positive, I sent my UBPDex a short text. She responded later. I felt no anxiety, heartache, or pain. I know I broke NC, but I did this for me and not her. I am convinced I am healed from all this.

I enjoyed the high times so much, that in my naivete ignored the glaring red flags. 

I can cleanly move on. I will continue to research and learn. I hope i can offer the same support that this and other communities have offered me.

Happy holidays everyone.

[joeramabeme]

Happy Holidays to you too and keep us posted on how it is all going.

[lovenature]

This led to extreme frustration, as she would not cut ties, but stonewalls any progress, but reached out sporadically. Clear communication? Nope.

If she has BPD (definitely sounds like traits at least), the closer you get, the more you are pushed away. They won't let go either because their greatest fear is abandonment.
Clear communication just isn't possible because they make up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment: a reality where they are never wrong-it always has to be someone else's fault.

These relationships are so painful and tough to move on from because they are the opposite of what we expect from an adult, thing is a PWBPD typically has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old.

Keep reading and learning. If you don't want the same thing to keep happening, maintain total NC regardless of what she does to try and contact you. ANY attention you give her, no matter how negative, will show her an attachment is still in place.

[Bromeo]

Friends,

Thanks for all the caring advice. It has been quite a rollercoaster of a few months.

After speaking with multiple people from different walks to collect their opinions, I have realized that my flaws were not life shattering, we could have repaired anything, and that whether she is BPD or not, the absolute best thing is for me to remove myself, collect my thoughts, heal, and move forward.

Last Monday after feeling the best I had in months, I sent a long email about healing, communication, and the growth I had experienced. I didn't say love, miss, or get together. I wished her a safe and happy holiday season. Closure for me.

I must admit, I did want contact. There was none. Her ignoring and push pull has been unbelievably hard on me, and I guess if I'm split black is why she does it. Voicemails, texts, and emails of I love you, I'll never leave, soulmates, and then gone and discarded.

Loving relationships simply do not act this way.

My birthday is 9 days from now. I'll  be honest, I'm scared to hear from her, and I'm scared not to. What an odd place to be in with someone I spent so much time with. So many months of hurt and pain that could have been avoided.

I'm finally getting better. I don't check her FB, feel a need to text, or anything else's.

When I'm finally through, I'll look back and forgive and forget. She will at some point regret. I won't.

Thanks again friends. Happy holidays.