She finally apologised, what should I do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, in another thread, I got kinda derailed by a physical attack on myself, and a trip to the police station.

Since then, the bruise on my right temple has got bigger, and now I have a massive purple mark all across my right eye lid.  Still hurts, too.

I showed my wife (by mail, cos thankfully I am away on business for two days), and finally, today, more than 5 days after her attack, she said sorry.   By mail.  And the translation of the Japanese apology into English would be simply "Sorry".  One word.  That's it.

SO far, I didn't acknowledge her apology.  Because it's pathetic.  What should I do?  Should I reply?  Fact is, if this massive bruise hadn't developed, she'd never have apologised. But on the other hand, she finally has, abet in a minor way. 

I'm not sure what I should do... .

[PFCI]

So, in another thread, I got kinda derailed by a physical attack on myself, and a trip to the police station.

Since then, the bruise on my right temple has got bigger, and now I have a massive purple mark all across my right eye lid.  Still hurts, too.

I showed my wife (by mail, cos thankfully I am away on business for two days), and finally, today, more than 5 days after her attack, she said sorry.   By mail.  And the translation of the Japanese apology into English would be simply "Sorry".  One word.  That's it.

SO far, I didn't acknowledge her apology.  Because it's pathetic.  What should I do?  Should I reply?  Fact is, if this massive bruise hadn't developed, she'd never have apologised. But on the other hand, she finally has, abet in a minor way. 

I'm not sure what I should do... .

[sad but wiser]

Respond with "Good." ?
In my opinion, go see a doctor to make sure you are ok.  To me that is the only response.

[formflier]

Have you been to a doctor? 

If not, please go.

Did she email... or physical mail?

When will you guys be back together again?

FF

[PFCI]

Have you been to a doctor? 

If not, please go.

Did she email... or physical mail?

When will you guys be back together again?

FF

Email.  I'll be back home late Friday evening. 

[empath]

Saying 'sorry' is not a 'real apology'. People can say that word and have no understanding of the harm they have done and have no intention to change their ways.

[PFCI]

Saying 'sorry' is not a 'real apology'. People can say that word and have no understanding of the harm they have done and have no intention to change their ways.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the situation.  But now she has said it, should I say or do something?  I basically ignored it... .

[GaGrl]

Do you have a photo to document the physical damage? Does your history with her I dictate this will happen again?

[Fian]

From my limited understanding of BPD, just saying sorry is very difficult for them, so I do see this as a positive step.  As for how you to respond to it, you can choose to ignore it, or respond back "Thank you for apologizing."  But I think the actual apology is not what you are looking for.  I think you need to determine what it is that you want, and that will then guide your actions.

1.  What would it take for you to be willing to return to a distant relationship?  Where you don't leave, but are not necessarily close.  A marriage for the child.
2.  What would it take for you to consider a closer/true marriage relationship?

I think once you have an answer to the above questions that will guide how you treat the apology.

[empath]

What I've done is ask what they are sorry for. If the answer isn't specific, it's an attempt to pull me back in without doing the hard work of changing. I don't respond to that because in my situation, my husband thinks saying sorry reconciles our relationship.

I encourage you to see a doctor too.

[PFCI]

1.  What would it take for you to be willing to return to a distant relationship?  Where you don't leave, but are not necessarily close.  A marriage for the child.
2.  What would it take for you to consider a closer/true marriage relationship?

1.  I'm basically staying for my kids now.  She isn't really sorry, she doesn't think she did anything wrong, I imagine. 

2.  I don't believe this is possible. 

[formflier]

Since this is first time she has done this... .hitting and apologizing (correct?)... .I think you need to give a pathway to keep momentum going in right direction.

Find time when you are both awake... .and "at your best". 

"Can you help me understand the email saying (fill in blank)?"

Hush... .listen... .

If she raises her voice... .lower yours. 

"I appreciate the apology, it's a good first step to heal our relationship.  It would mean a lot to me to talk more about next steps this coming week."

Have information ready the following week about an appointment with a MC that has experience with abusive r/s.  No idea how to search for that in your country... .but hopefully you can find it.

If she balks on going... .you go.

Remember:  A "T" is not punishment... .it is for healing. 

FF

[PFCI]

I should probably mention she's probably well into double figures for violent attacks over the 11 years we've been together. I don't believe she'll ever stop now. After telling her straight I won't accept it, and then going to the police, her attitude hasn't changed at all. I've got lots of pictures of injuries, though.

[formflier]

 
There is one way to find out. 

I'm more interested in YOU changing... .than her.  It is important that she be "invited along" this new pathway of life in the right way.

Ultimately... .the change starts with you.

Leaving the plan to get to a healthy life up to a disordered person is (a) good idea... .?(b) bad idea?

Hang in there man.  You are at a major intersection of your life.

FF

[Fian]

1.  I'm basically staying for my kids now.  She isn't really sorry, she doesn't think she did anything wrong, I imagine. 

2.  I don't believe this is possible. 

So it is sounding like there really isn't a decision to make - you have already made it.  You are staying.  So whether she apologizes or not doesn't make a difference.  If I am wrong, and there is a choice to be made, what is the choice?

[TommyBahama]

I agree with those that say go to the doctor and document it since police were involved before.