need help my marriage of 21 years is over but i would like help for my daughter

[tyee]

Ive been with my wife since we were 17 (25 years) married for 21 just had an anniversary in November, last week i went to jail and now have a restraining order on me because i pinned her arms to her sides and yelling at her. for the last three years after having an affair ive done personal therapy ongoing, marriage therapy that failed my wife did seek some personal therapy, i did everything she asked and everything i could think to do to be the best husband and father that i could possible become,but in the end the relentless reoccurring fights her not validating my thought feelings or emotions when i did my best to do that for her but never getting feed back of when or if i hit the mark after talking with my pastor he told me about borderline personality disorder and attachment disorder and PTSD"she did have trauma as a young child that she never received treatment for and never wanted to acknowledge it" his daughter had these and was well versed in the matter after reading and research i found myself in those same shoes of people in our same situation and reading the symptoms that go along with these orders and was saddened to see that she about fell into every category and myself and daughters falling into the same categories as other family members and having the same trials and tribulations ill never say never but our marriage is past the point of return but i looking and pleading for support and guidance for my daughters because there mother deserves their support and mine and i need to support and care and love my daughters by getting the right advice teaching mentoring so they know how to help guide support acknowledge there mothers needs feelings and emotions and wants i just wished i knew more about this years ago and i take ownership of being ignorant to this and other things
thank you to whomever can help myself and my family

[Mutt]

HI tyee,  



I can understand how dpainful  that would feel when you have a RO and you tried very hard in therapy. I'm sorry that you're going through this. How old is your D? What BPD behaviors are you seeing? Hang in there.

[Turkish]

Given the RO, what's the custody situation like with your daughters?

[tyee]

my daughters are of legal age 21,18 my 21 yr has symptoms of learned behavior from her mom
my youngest is more logical and understanding of facts and info presented to her that she uses to make decisions and thoughts more thought thru
my oldest doesn't see logic only feeds off her emotion and what is being fed to her but at least when she is showed facts either on paper or other ways she does have the ability to stop her emotional based behavior and see that there could be a different story to the one only given to her by her mother, currently both daughters are fighting because my oldest feels she is disrespecting her mom by not staying with her and not wanting to listen to her emotional driven statements  im doing my best not to tell one or the other anything unless they ask me something direct then i will answer them but try only giving them facts like with finances
so far Ive been doing pretty good keeping my head up and still being there for my girls as there dad and not letting my marriage problems conflict me being there dad
but I'm stuck in the middle to after researching the prescription drugs my wife takes that are a deadly combo of xanax with opioid(codeine)   plus another anti-depressant and medications for migraines and headaches as well as being anemic if afraid that she could seriously be harmed from these meds but her long term use of these on top of a borderline personality disorder and anemia has me concerned worried and frightened those combinations i believe is what caused her to have a breakdown in June and in December and strike out towards me and bring our family life to a halt with lies invoking friends to spread rumors and take away their friendships , i know that its her disorder driving her but at least after finding all these new revelations with her past childhood trauma that was never dealt with and her ongoing use of prescription drugs and anemia i know now that i was never going to be able to help her and that our marriage was most likely to fail, but i know i did everything i could to try to make it work and in the long run my girls will no that i did as well
daughters sym: high irritability and anger when presented  with some thing she doesnt have all    the facts about

Lack of empathy
taking ownership of wrong doing
unable to apologize about exactly what she did wrong
financial irresponsibility
stays upset or angry for long periods of time even after finding out there is nothing to be mad at
separation insecurity
hostility
suspiciousness constant revolving door of friends
deceitfulness
attention seeking by other peers a constant
very impulsive-shopping, bad financial decisions
cant stay at one work place always finds a reason to leave usually not getting along with other co-workers

[Mutt]

You have a few BPD traits listed there.

she does have the ability to stop her emotional based behavior and see that there could be a different story to the one only given to her by her mother, currently both daughters are fighting because my oldest feels she is disrespecting her mom by not staying with her and not wanting to listen to her emotional driven statements  

You're not getting in the middle of it. The daughter that is more emotional than logical, is she loyal to dad? Is she fighting with mom because of the RO?

[tyee]

my oldest is loyal to her mother she is the one that is showing learned behaviors of BPD
my youngest is in the middle meaning she knows the truth and has talked with her mother and has real doubt about her moms explanations and sees that her mother and i are both equally wrong for our behaviors and that i shouldn't be the one taking the fall for all of it. Every day or other day i talk with my oldest and find little pieces of information that once accused of before by her(her mother feeding her emotional facts) but she is seeing that the things her mother is telling her arent holding water and i can see her level of distrust with me falling today we even met and bought xmas presents together "it's a Start ) but now its just about keeping my head up staying strong for myself and my girls beating this RO and DV charge and looking to a new joy filled fun adventure of life for myself and my daughters