Think I am getting to end of road

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

OK I have managed pretty well to manage my life despite my partners BPD. He was diagnosed about 4 years ago and has had some therapy from local mental health services. I have read extensively on the subject of BPD and mainly have managed to distance myself from the chaos whilst remaining supportive where I can.

Lately he has failed to engage with therapy and there has been a pronounced return to all the old familiar behaviours and I have finally recognised and acknowledged that those behaviours are emotionally abusive to me. I think I am just exhausted by the behaviour and dealing with somebody alternating between raging at everybody because its 'all their fault' and then wallowing in self-pity.

Lately I have noticed how he constantly undermines me and takes every opportunity to be subtly abusive and dismissive. Now sure I am sympathetic of how this illness affects him and can acknowledge that he is in pain but also I find as I get older I am acutely aware of how this can undermine my self-esteem and make me question my own values and beliefs.

Perhaps I have just realised that I am actually a decent person with decent values and deserve a lot better. I have tried setting some clear boundaries but these are just seen as invitations to test me and again I just find it exhausting.

Maybe its time to let him go - I have little appetite for further engagement and would relish rejoining the real world before I lose myself in the land of Oz forever!

[ortac77]

OK I have managed pretty well to manage my life despite my partners BPD. He was diagnosed about 4 years ago and has had some therapy from local mental health services. I have read extensively on the subject of BPD and mainly have managed to distance myself from the chaos whilst remaining supportive where I can.

Lately he has failed to engage with therapy and there has been a pronounced return to all the old familiar behaviours and I have finally recognised and acknowledged that those behaviours are emotionally abusive to me. I think I am just exhausted by the behaviour and dealing with somebody alternating between raging at everybody because its 'all their fault' and then wallowing in self-pity.

Lately I have noticed how he constantly undermines me and takes every opportunity to be subtly abusive and dismissive. Now sure I am sympathetic of how this illness affects him and can acknowledge that he is in pain but also I find as I get older I am acutely aware of how this can undermine my self-esteem and make me question my own values and beliefs.

Perhaps I have just realised that I am actually a decent person with decent values and deserve a lot better. I have tried setting some clear boundaries but these are just seen as invitations to test me and again I just find it exhausting.

Maybe its time to let him go - I have little appetite for further engagement and would relish rejoining the real world before I lose myself in the land of Oz forever!

[Larmoyant]

Perhaps I have just realised that I am actually a decent person with decent values and deserve a lot better. I have tried setting some clear boundaries but these are just seen as invitations to test me and again I just find it exhausting.
Maybe its time to let him go - I have little appetite for further engagement and would relish rejoining the real world before I lose myself in the land of Oz forever!

ortac77, you have just written my thoughts exactly! Life is too short. I've decided I don't want to look back at any more wasted years. On the verge of taking a running leap into the real world.

[Aldenkitty52]

Although i'm not yet strong enough or brave enough to leave my abusive spouse, seeing other people do it is exhilarating. I hope that one day i have the strength and luxury to make this decision (financially it's tough, and we have a 1.5 year old boy which makes it harder). Best of luck!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ortac77, Many of us have been down this road before you, so you are not alone.  Being in a BPD r/s is exhausting!  Believe me, I should know after a 16-year marriage to my BPDxW.  I can't tell you what to do, but am happy to help you find the right path for YOU, which is what it's all about.  LJ

[ortac77]

Yes exhausting - think thats it, I suppose a lot comes down to age as well, I am now in my 60's and approaching retirement. Its hard to look forward with confidence when at times I feel like I am trailing all this weight behind me. Now that sounds kind of cruel, but it is his baggage - not mine.

I know that his current absence from therapy is his fear getting in the way but my logical mind cannot see why one would want to stay stuck in misery when there is a way out? But is that perhaps what I should be asking myself after all I am financially independent just find it hard to abandon somebody who I love with am illness that I hate.

Just conflicted at the moment I guess

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, ortac77, No, I don't think that's cruel.  The reality is that BPD takes a toll on all involved.  In general, I think those w/BPD resist therapy because it involves taking responsibility for one's own actions, which is something they are reluctant to do.  My BPDxW dropped out of therapy many times.  As soon as the T would hold her feet to the fire, she would come up with an excuse to discontinue.

Whether you decide to stay or leave is a decision only you can make, based on what is the right path for you.  Personally, I think it's unhealthy to stay indefinitely in a r/s that is making one miserable, but everyone has to figure it out for him/herself.  I stayed until I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, which was no help to anyone.  At that point, I really had no choice but to leave, but of course it's different for everyone.

Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim