Update: work with exBPD, difficult day today

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It’s been a while since I posted an update. As some of you know I work with my exBPD which is making the detachment difficult. I’ve been very low contact since november 7th: just work related things. That was working out pretty good, as we didn’t run in to eachother that often anymore and I changed offices to another section of the floor. No more texting, peeking on social media.

But now I’m asigned tot his project and quess who’s in it too  . Right, my exBPD. I thought I was doing okay. But damn that first meeting: his smile. We were avoidand to eachother all meeting but ofcourse we have to talk to eachother. I didn’t engage in any small talk just before the meeting started. I could tell he was a uncomfortable too.

Now the second meeting was today and turns out I’ll be working with him solo and the team on a weekly basis now. He sat beside me, and touched my foot with his foot ‘accidentially’ (or maybe it was really accidentally, am I going insane?). Small talk before the meeting between him and a coworker and they started talking about his girlfriend. I knew there was a replacement, not by him telling me but I’ve seen things through his updates. I know his cycle. Well, it’s been almost 5 months now and  it has me wondering… Why is it working with her?

I was disgarded just after the idealization so there was never the devalue or any arguments. Just no more communication. It just ended there. He has kind of apologized through texts but never in person: like I meant nothing. I know that it’s about me and he is just the way he is but I’m having a difficult time today.

I’d like to think that he saw my strength or something, I mean he’s been avoiding talking to me in person, even in the r/s. Always texts… And when I set my boundaries… I know he is no good for me. The hard part is that I know about his past, and I know what a loving man he can be. I think the thing with him is that I felt completely at ease. I don’t trust people easily but I felt I could be honest with him about anything. I so let my guard down, like I never have before. I felt loved for who I am. And the sad part is that that wasn’t reality. Now I’m more guarded than ever…

But I will keep only work contact, and I will get through this. I’m strong but why is it so hard? I’ve to email him stuff and when he replies and his name pops up in my mailbox I feel my heart jump… I don’t really know where i’m going with this. Just felt the need to write it down.

XOXO

[I_am_Stacey]

It’s been a while since I posted an update. As some of you know I work with my exBPD which is making the detachment difficult. I’ve been very low contact since november 7th: just work related things. That was working out pretty good, as we didn’t run in to eachother that often anymore and I changed offices to another section of the floor. No more texting, peeking on social media.

But now I’m asigned tot his project and quess who’s in it too  . Right, my exBPD. I thought I was doing okay. But damn that first meeting: his smile. We were avoidand to eachother all meeting but ofcourse we have to talk to eachother. I didn’t engage in any small talk just before the meeting started. I could tell he was a uncomfortable too.

Now the second meeting was today and turns out I’ll be working with him solo and the team on a weekly basis now. He sat beside me, and touched my foot with his foot ‘accidentially’ (or maybe it was really accidentally, am I going insane?). Small talk before the meeting between him and a coworker and they started talking about his girlfriend. I knew there was a replacement, not by him telling me but I’ve seen things through his updates. I know his cycle. Well, it’s been almost 5 months now and  it has me wondering… Why is it working with her?

I was disgarded just after the idealization so there was never the devalue or any arguments. Just no more communication. It just ended there. He has kind of apologized through texts but never in person: like I meant nothing. I know that it’s about me and he is just the way he is but I’m having a difficult time today.

I’d like to think that he saw my strength or something, I mean he’s been avoiding talking to me in person, even in the r/s. Always texts… And when I set my boundaries… I know he is no good for me. The hard part is that I know about his past, and I know what a loving man he can be. I think the thing with him is that I felt completely at ease. I don’t trust people easily but I felt I could be honest with him about anything. I so let my guard down, like I never have before. I felt loved for who I am. And the sad part is that that wasn’t reality. Now I’m more guarded than ever…

But I will keep only work contact, and I will get through this. I’m strong but why is it so hard? I’ve to email him stuff and when he replies and his name pops up in my mailbox I feel my heart jump… I don’t really know where i’m going with this. Just felt the need to write it down.

XOXO

[Julia S]

It won't be working for the new gf, not in the long term. And if it's working now then most likely only because he doesn't feel much for her emotionally. Remember, what other people see isn't the same as what's going on. Maybe he really did care about you and that's why he had to drop you early on because he knew he couldn't deal with the emotions. I was dropped at a similar point and feel it would have been easier if I'd seen the nastier unlivable with side, but judging by people's stories it would have felt worse.

The fact he needs to manipulate your emotions despite having a new gf is typical of his condition and proof he is incapable of a proper relationship with anyone.

Well done for working with him, but is there any way you could consider changing that in future eg looking for a different job? I know I'd have less trouble detaching from my ex friend if he lived hundreds of miles away and there was no danger of having to see him again.

[I_am_Stacey]

Thank you Julia S for replying 

I was dropped at a similar point and feel it would have been easier if I'd seen the nastier unlivable with side, but judging by people's stories it would have felt worse.

That part has me confused a lot at the beginning and still now and then. As I haven't seen the awfull side of HIM. I know it is there though: through stories about his ex and some other things but with me he was always loving. He did became distant before the discard. And ofcourse I have seen the red flags, like others were always to blame, him not holding friendships, his anger but it was never towards me... .Maybe it's a good thing that I can still see the good in him. As he can be. I just can't wrap my head around what has happened sometimes. And somewere I need to believe it was real. I try to figure out why that is? I let myself open up so much towards him. 
Now I'm just scared of falling so hard again.

The fact he needs to manipulate your emotions despite having a new gf is typical of his condition and proof he is incapable of a proper relationship with anyone.

Sometimes it's like I'm imagining things but there are too many coincedences: showing up on my lunchbreak before. Now recently that didn't happen but now we work on this project en today he got in my office twice to ask me something and being all nice and stuff. 

Well done for working with him, but is there any way you could consider changing that in future eg looking for a different job? I know I'd have less trouble detaching from my ex friend if he lived hundreds of miles away and there was no danger of having to see him again.

That's not really an option. And i really like my job. Gosh yes, if only he'd move away. But I'm also in a state of mind that I'm like: "girl you've got yourself into this mess (r/s with a coworker!), you'll get yourself out. I feel it's my repsonsability and I see this as a big learning experience. And I'll probably fall more than once, like today, but I will get up and try again... . 

XOXO

[Julia S]

His feelings for you at the time probably were real. But he can't do real, that's the problem. As soon as he senses real he can't cope with it.

Maybe the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to accept that whatever feelings either of you might have, he can't be in a relationship with you. He can't be in a proper relationship with anyone. Maybe the kindest thing he could do for you was to walk away when he did.

I find the whole BPD thing so very sad. It affects so many people, not just those with the disorder.

And while it's good to take responsibility for your actions, don't blame yourself for getting involved with a pwBPD. You will have been drawn in subconsciously, in a way that doesn't happen when the other person is psychologically healthy.

[Shedd]

Yes, I too work with my ex so I run into her a lot.  It is really hard when you see them every day.

Does your work know you two were dating? I am surprised that they put you together if they know you're broken up.  Anyway, If it was me I would ask them to put me with someone else.

I'm not sure what you do for work so maybe you can't?

Hope things get better.

[Pretty Woman]

Stacey,
  If they followed the EXACT pattern each time people would be on to them quicker.

My replacement has been with my ex for close to two years now. They are fighting just as I was with my ex however THEY live together. My ex and I did not live together so she would dump me and disappear for weeks at a time. When she couldn't "replace" me she would come back. She's now found a sucker that let her move into her home.

I know several of my ex's exes and I can tell you this... .they are ALL still exes and the ones who lived with her had stuff stolen from them and more violent episodes involving the police. Those are the exes that still engage with her... .likely because they took much more crap from her and are more co-d.

I feel badly you have to deal with your ex one on one. I feel badly you have to hear about your replacement.

Do me a favor. You don't know me, and you don't owe me anything... .but I am here on this site for the same reason you are... .

Hold your head up high.

Be professional

Don't stoop to any of his tactics

You will soar above this. You are doing great. Do not give him a reaction. They thrive on that. Be cordial, be beautiful. Be you. If he brings up the new person, be "That's great. I am very happy you found someone more compatible".

Kill em with kindness. You CAN do this.

 

[I_am_Stacey]

Maybe the kindest thing he could do for you was to walk away when he did.

Thank you Julia S, this is actually helping me a lot. He walked away before the drama, and he did it in the only way he could. It IS sad isn't it? Because you also know the person that's underneath the disorder: the other side. That's what makes detaching hard for me at times. And that he never took responsebility for what he did. But I know he can't... .That's why I have to take mine.

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi burnerin,

It's hard isn't it, seeing them every day? Especially when they seem all happy and perky.

Does your work know you two were dating? I am surprised that they put you together if they know you're broken up.  Anyway, If it was me I would ask them to put me with someone else.

They don't. That's the problem and a very long story. We're not allowed to date in the office. In the beginning of our r/s I got transferred to a different department. But about 3 months after the discard I got transferred back. I've no choice but to work with him. I try to see this as a big 'test' of how strong I am. If I can do this and get through this, I probably can do anything  

XOXO

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi Pretty Woman,

I feel badly you have to deal with your ex one on one. I feel badly you have to hear about your replacement.

Do me a favor. You don't know me, and you don't owe me anything... .but I am here on this site for the same reason you are... .

Hold your head up high.

Be professional

Don't stoop to any of his tactics

You will soar above this. You are doing great. Do not give him a reaction. They thrive on that. Be cordial, be beautiful. Be you. If he brings up the new person, be "That's great. I am very happy you found someone more compatible".

Kill em with kindness. You CAN do this.

 

Thank you! I needed this! I found myself engaging with him again, some small talk, him trying to get a reaction out of me and I gave in. And he's getting to me, his way of keeping me around in case he needs something.

Today's a new day at the office and I've written it down on a sticky note: Don't take the bait! Be you! Kill em with kindness. You CAN do this.

I can be cordial and professional. This is just a new curveball life throws at me... .

We can do this Pretty Woman! We all can! Thanks again for replying and your support!

XOXO