I broke up with my BPD ex last week after 2 years (where I was told I'm abusive and couldn't seem to do anything right despite listening, changing, and giving everything I had.) A few months ago she asked for an open relationship, I insisted I couldn't... .something didn't sit right and last week I found out she'd already been sleeping with someone else... ."
It floored me a bit to read this - this is exactly what happened to me. Of course at the time she asked there was "no one else"; then she admitted there was but that they only met for coffee and kissed a few times; later (of course) I found out they had an affair.
After the "we met for coffee conversation" I told her that I thought she needed a therapist - and she agreed. She once told me that her therapist told her that her request (for the open r/s) was unhealthy.
Our r/s ended when I found out she remained in touch with her affair partner through the year she was in therapy - even though she promised to stop.
Your situation is emotionally abusive. You don't owe her "one last conversation." What you do owe YOURSELF is to protect your wounded heart at all costs. This person's words and behavior, if she does have BPD, will never be something you can make sense of. After all, it's a mental illness. There's nothing logical about it.
Your residual feelings for her are normal - but don't let them guide your behavior. Her chaos will be part of the equation in any r/s, and even with therapy there are no guarantees - I found out the hard way. If you were able to rekindle the r/s, could you live with unfaithfulness, or in an open r/s? I couldn't - no matter how much I loved her.
Your heightened emotions will begin to fade over time, and then you will begin to wonder why you were so terribly, achingly drawn to someone who had such little regard for your heart. You deserve much, much more.
