Abandonment issues

[Gypsy_lady]

Good evening everyone I have a couple of questions.
My fiance has some very extreme abandonment issues. When I started doing a lot of reading about the BPDw/abandonment issues. I realized that it fits my fiance much more than my son.
I also learned that I am an empath, which is a real gift but also can be a curse. But it made me an excellent paramedic/firefighter in a large east coast fire department. I am 64 yo and retired. I moved out in the boonies, where my nearest neighbor is 1-4miles away. I had peace and quiet, no one shooting at me, no one trying to jump off a bridge and take me with them. If I never saw another human being I was happy. Then I met my fiance. Love at 1st sight. Now 2 years later, I have kept thinking something is just not quite right. I thought maybe it was the age gap. I'm 64 he is 49. I caught him with another woman, all his stuff was packed by the time he came home. I don't like to argue so I said its over, all your things are neatly packed. He chased me down with his truck, I was dumbstruck when he kept saying," I'm not garbage, how can you throw me away? I'm not a piece of Sh*t! He begged and pleaded for me not to put him out in the garbage! I have never encountered anything like it.
I am just learning about BPD, I thought long and hard about what it was going to take to make this work. I have to slip into paramedic mode to keep him from hurting me, doesn't always work.
He is always saying that no matter what he will be with me to the end, he will never leave me. finally my question:
do BPD people with abandonment issues, usually go out of their way to try and get you to throw them out? Mine does. I keep telling him, Mike I love you, I don't care what you do, I will NEVER throw you out or away, if you want to leave, you will do it on your own accord. There may come a time when we no longer sleep in the same room, you may move to a spare room, but you will ALWAYS have a home here!
He seems to finally believe me, I think, the arguing has almost completely stopped; I will not engage him in arguing and name calling etc. Is this normal for BPD people, to try and push their partners to the edge? I know he is seeing about 4 other women, even though he says it's not sexual.  But its like they have to have girls on the side JUST in case they get thrown out. Is this true? For the first time he threw one of the women away. He said it was really hard, but "us" was more important. For the first time, he is looking at the future as "us" instead of just him. Or is this just wishful thinking on my part?
because he will NOT talk about his childhood, I found out that he was physically,mentally and  emotionally assaulted as a child. The one clue he told me was that his mother watched as his step-father whipped the crap out of him and his brother. When his brother became of age he left, but Mike refused to leave his mother. His mother did not want anything to do with him once he turned 15, he was out on the street.
here is an example of what I deal withne morning he started blowing up my phone, I'm asleep and I have no idea what triggered him. So I went into the kitchen an got my first cup of tea, all the while he sent over 50 texts, no clue what started it. After my tea, I went to the garage and he was in attack mode, making no sense to me at all. So while he was yelling, screaming etc. I walked over to him, grabbed him hard, wrapped my arms around him and just kept saying, "I love you, everything is ok", he calmed down and we went on with business as usual. Is this normal for BPD people?   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Most of what you describe is common.

They expect to be abandoned, it has happened all their life so they test you to see if you will, almost like playing chicken. They can't see that it is in effect self sabotage and part of the reason they are constantly abandoned in the first place.

Struggling to link cause and effect, rather they will link effect and blame, as they seem unable to change the cause so they avoid it, and assuming the effect is inevitable. It is the world of the perpetual victim.

Like someone who always complains about being hurt by the ground, they will blame the ground for being hard, rather than owning responsibility for throwing themselves on the ground. Eventually the rescuers throw their arms in the air and walk away after many futile attempts to convince them to stop throwing themselves on the ground if they dont want to get hurt.

The rescuer is then awarded the new roll of persecutor/abandoner. This then brings in the role of these other women whose duty it is to be the rescuer, someone he can complain to about you being a persecutor. You now have the classic DRAMA TRIANGLE

His role as perpetual victim is hence validated, he need not do anything further about it, as it is inevitable.

If you tell him you wont abandon him no matter what he does he can then abdicate all responsibility for what he does, and nothing will change. Change is difficult, it will not be attempted if it is not deemed essential.

Be careful of disabling someone by enabling their own dysfunction.

Waverider