He contacted me after 3 3/4 years.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am a long time reader (after my break-up) and have learned a lot about BPD. I suspect my ex has BPD, and possibly NPD due to his behaviors and things he said/did to me and others. Even without a diagnosis, there is something very wrong with him once you get to know him, although at first glance he appears to be the most charming and nice man. I experienced multiple silent treatments and what I call silent rages, which was the most damaging to me. He would get angry about things that no reasonable person would get upset about. I broke up with him after close to 2 years together when he went silent in a big way and I just couldn't do it anymore. We then both pushed and pulled each other periodically during the next 3 years.

I have spent years healing from this relationship, including seeing therapists. I fell totally and utterly fast in love with this man and thought he was the love of my life (and I'm 60 and been in love before). Yes, been there, done that. So breaking up with him was THE hardest thing I've ever done. But I had to for my sanity. This message Board and reading other people's experiences and what works and what doesn't work has helped me tremendously. It has helped me to stay no contact.

The last time we spoke or had contact was on the phone in March 2013. I realized I needed to go no contact forever (if I could) after that call and we were both upset and any possible r/s truly appeared over. Going no contact has also been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I take it one day at a time.  Honestly I never expected to hear from him, even though I have read over and over this happens a lot.

I saw his phone number ringing on my cell phone last night and I let it go to voice mail, I couldn't' believe how fast my heart began beating! He said he came across some video recordings of us, the cats and wanted to know if I wanted a copy. In his voice and words I heard the person I fell in love with... .whew. I listened a few times to the message as it wasn't short, to see exactly what he was asking. He also shared some information about someone we know. He did say he would understand if I didn't respond to his call or want a copy of the tapes. Then I fell apart and cried.

But you know what? What I've learned began to appear in my thoughts. This is a "pull" from him, this is how he is when I'm painted white, all sweetness and light. The holidays are very difficult for him and it's Christmas time, he may be lonely, this could be one reason he called me. But I told myself and then wrote in my journal, that the feelings evoked from his call, those will fade in a day or two. I know that nothing good can come from me calling him back and that it is best for me to continue with my no contact. I'm not saying it isn't tempting to call him back, but I know it is not a good thing for me to do. Unlike when I was with him, I am now thinking of myself and that may sound selfish, but with him, I have to think about what is best for myself and do really good self care. I don't want to undo the self-care I've been doing for the last few years. I did have a thought to call him back and ask him not to contact me again, but I don't think doing that is a good thing. My gut tells me to continue with my no contact and let this be. Let it be a blip on the screen and then gone.

So even after close to 4 years, he made contact; it does happen.  Any feedback or advice?

[Reader9]

I am a long time reader (after my break-up) and have learned a lot about BPD. I suspect my ex has BPD, and possibly NPD due to his behaviors and things he said/did to me and others. Even without a diagnosis, there is something very wrong with him once you get to know him, although at first glance he appears to be the most charming and nice man. I experienced multiple silent treatments and what I call silent rages, which was the most damaging to me. He would get angry about things that no reasonable person would get upset about. I broke up with him after close to 2 years together when he went silent in a big way and I just couldn't do it anymore. We then both pushed and pulled each other periodically during the next 3 years.

I have spent years healing from this relationship, including seeing therapists. I fell totally and utterly fast in love with this man and thought he was the love of my life (and I'm 60 and been in love before). Yes, been there, done that. So breaking up with him was THE hardest thing I've ever done. But I had to for my sanity. This message Board and reading other people's experiences and what works and what doesn't work has helped me tremendously. It has helped me to stay no contact.

The last time we spoke or had contact was on the phone in March 2013. I realized I needed to go no contact forever (if I could) after that call and we were both upset and any possible r/s truly appeared over. Going no contact has also been the hardest thing I've ever done, but I take it one day at a time.  Honestly I never expected to hear from him, even though I have read over and over this happens a lot.

I saw his phone number ringing on my cell phone last night and I let it go to voice mail, I couldn't' believe how fast my heart began beating! He said he came across some video recordings of us, the cats and wanted to know if I wanted a copy. In his voice and words I heard the person I fell in love with... .whew. I listened a few times to the message as it wasn't short, to see exactly what he was asking. He also shared some information about someone we know. He did say he would understand if I didn't respond to his call or want a copy of the tapes. Then I fell apart and cried.

But you know what? What I've learned began to appear in my thoughts. This is a "pull" from him, this is how he is when I'm painted white, all sweetness and light. The holidays are very difficult for him and it's Christmas time, he may be lonely, this could be one reason he called me. But I told myself and then wrote in my journal, that the feelings evoked from his call, those will fade in a day or two. I know that nothing good can come from me calling him back and that it is best for me to continue with my no contact. I'm not saying it isn't tempting to call him back, but I know it is not a good thing for me to do. Unlike when I was with him, I am now thinking of myself and that may sound selfish, but with him, I have to think about what is best for myself and do really good self care. I don't want to undo the self-care I've been doing for the last few years. I did have a thought to call him back and ask him not to contact me again, but I don't think doing that is a good thing. My gut tells me to continue with my no contact and let this be. Let it be a blip on the screen and then gone.

So even after close to 4 years, he made contact; it does happen.  Any feedback or advice?

[steelwork]

No advice, Reader9, except what you're doing: nothing, right away, until you've considered what's best for your own mental health. Good job. If I'm ever in your situation, I hope I have your fortitude.

[Duped 1]

Well Reader at least you know that you were important and meant something to him and I think that would feel good. I don't expect to ever hear from mine again

[Reader9]

No advice, Reader9, except what you're doing: nothing, right away, until you've considered what's best for your own mental health. Good job. If I'm ever in your situation, I hope I have your fortitude.

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I am not doing anything right away. Just sitting with it. I don't know if it is fortitude or not, but right now I feel blessed to not have any urgency about responding. I think because of the previous push-pull times I experienced, even on the phone, I just know it would not be good for me. Eventually he pushed me away every single time for some reason or the other. I know that returning his phone call back is most likely not the end of it. So why would I do that to myself again? Believe me I'm a bit surprised at what feels like clear-headed thinking, even though my emotions are stirred up a bit.

[Reader9]

Well Reader at least you know that you were important and meant something to him and I think that would feel good. I don't expect to ever hear from mine again

Honestly, thinking I was important and meant something to him was not something I've been thinking about at all. If I was important to him, he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. His mental illness prevents him doing that. I don't believe that is why he is calling me. I think he is fishing... .so it doesn't feel special to me at all. I guess I just know him well enough. I had the thought that if he had left a message that he was thinking of me and wanted to wish me happy holidays, that I would probably call him back. But something about this particular message has me very wary of his motives. But I appreciate your feedback.

[Fie]

Hi  

From where I am standing I think you are doing the one and only sane thing, which is : nothing. Please keep on doing exactly that. Ignore him. Your feelings will pass, like an image on a screen.

I do not agree with this though :

Unlike when I was with him, I am now thinking of myself and that may sound selfish,

It is not selfish. It's absolutely required and sane.

[hotncold]

I saw his phone number ringing on my cell phone last night and I let it go to voice mail, I couldn't' believe how fast my heart began beating!

I know how you feel with this. It feels like a trauma bond.  You feel a mix of fear and excitement. Because he feeds both of these things. He gives you pain and passion, and you know you will get both, but mostly pain if you respond. It's like a drug.

I think you are doing the right thing in letting this pass.

[Reader9]

Hi  

From where I am standing I think you are doing the one and only sane thing, which is : nothing. Please keep on doing exactly that. Ignore him. Your feelings will pass, like an image on a screen.

I do not agree with this though :
It is not selfish. It's absolutely required and sane.

Thank you so much. I needed someone to echo back what I'm thinking. That my feelings will pass, it is like a blip or image on a screen. To ignore him.  And yes, to keep my self-care and needs front and center.

[Reader9]

I deleted his message and the contact information!     I plan on continuing with no contact and ignore his call and message, stop thinking about his possible motives. This is a blip, and this too shall pass. Get on with day and enjoy the holidays.

[Reforming]

Hi Reader,

Well done.

I think you have handled this with great maturity and a lot of emotional intelligence.

Your  immediate reaction to his phone call is very natural and understandable. Accepting your feelings - being present with them while recognising that you had the power to choose not to react or respond is very wise.

I think deleting the message and his contact details is a also positive and mature step.

I agree with fie - you're not being selfish. I think your assessment that he's reaching out because he's looking for someone to meet his unhealthy needs is very wise too.

All the work you have done is paying off

Reforming

I deleted his message and the contact information!     I plan on continuing with no contact and ignore his call and message, stop thinking about his possible motives. This is a blip, and this too shall pass. Get on with day and enjoy the holidays.

[troisette]

Hi Reader

Your post chimes with my situation.

Even without a diagnosis, there is something very wrong with him once you get to know him, although at first glance he appears to be the most charming and nice man.

Yes, my exBPD is the same, I found it caused confusion within me, trying to figure out whether my perceptions were distorted or not.

I am in a similar situation, 15 months nc and I think my ex is putting out feelers. I am happy with my emotional response, which is very similar to yours.

So why would I do that to myself again? Believe me I'm a bit surprised at what feels like clear-headed thinking, even though my emotions are stirred up a bit.

I find the clear-headed thinking liberating and I'm pleased with my responses. During nc I have wondered how I'd feel; now I know.

Your reaction to the phone call is entirely understandable but there are positives to be taken from it; you now know the strength and understanding you have gained during his absence.

You're not being selfish, you are looking after yourself - this is good. I have found that the triggering effect diminishes quite quickly now, much shorter recovery time than it used to be.

I didn't delete my ex's phone number because I wouldn't recognise his number and didn't want to mistakenly answer a call. So I changed his name to "BPD" as a signal not to answer.

Well done you, I think you are handling this unexpected blip very well.

[zeus123]

Reader9. I really feel proud of people who goes NC with BPDs and maintain NC. You are doing great for the past 4 years, stay the course and never break NC no matter what. No contact sends the loudest message that you have moved on and he won't matter for you anymore(even if he still does). be the exception among all of his exes who have tried to get back into his box. Stay with NC, you will stand out the only person in his life who have said no but thanks to him.

The difference between a lab rat and a human is that the lab rat do not go back to the same maze it found no nourishment, humans do.

Reader9 I am so proud of you for what you are doing... STAY NO CONTACT FOREVER!

[Reader9]

Zeus123 and everyone, thank you for your kind and encouraging words and advice. I have not contacted him and don't want to, but this afternoon I am weepy and feel sad about him, the breakup, all of it. I so wish he hadn't called me. But he did and I accept that. I'm alone at the holidays and I know I am vulnerable.  I am glad I deleted his voice mail message so I'm not tempted to listen to it.

Right now I am having to use pure willpower to not pick up the phone. I know I need to feel my feelings and not deny them, but at the same time use my smarts/thinking/resolve to not call him.  I need the encouragement, so please keep the postings coming. 

[lovenature]

I had the thought that if he had left a message that he was thinking of me and wanted to wish me happy holidays, that I would probably call him back.

This would just be another recycle attempt to maintain an attachment with you. Continue total NC so you aren't just another "orbiter".

[Reforming]

Zeus123 and everyone, thank you for your kind and encouraging words and advice. I have not contacted him and don't want to, but this afternoon I am weepy and feel sad about him, the breakup, all of it. I so wish he hadn't called me. But he did and I accept that. I'm alone at the holidays and I know I am vulnerable.  I am glad I deleted his voice mail message so I'm not tempted to listen to it.

Right now I am having to use pure willpower to not pick up the phone. I know I need to feel my feelings and not deny them, but at the same time use my smarts/thinking/resolve to not call him.  I need the encouragement, so please keep the postings coming.  

Hi Reader,

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad and weepy. In the circumstances your feelings are very natural and understandable. I found Christmas particularly difficult.

I know it's painful but there's nothing wrong with feeling grief and sadness. Accepting that and accepting your feelings with compassion gives them less power over you.

There's nothing wrong with missing someone even though when you recognise that being with them was not good for you.

This time of year is tough but your feelings of sadness will dissipate. If you feel a little overwhelmed it might be worth talking it through with your T

You said you think your ex is fishing. I think you're right. What do you think are the needs that are driving his phone call?

My ex contacted me over a year after we split - we had been NC and I ended up in tears too. I found it very hard not to respond, but thanks to this site and my T I managed to resist the urge.

I worked hard to remind myself of the reality of my relationship - not the fantasy of what I hoped it would be. It's surprisingly easy to forget the worst moments. I reviewed the darker moments and I tried to be realistic about my exes reasons for reaching out and the likely outcome of reconnecting.

Keep posting

We're here for you

Reforming

[Reader9]

"You said you think your ex is fishing. I think you're right. What do you think are the needs that are driving his phone call?"

I think he is feeling lonely and is most likely alone. He has very few people in his life, no friends, detests his family and they live far away. I believe him when he said he was trying to clean up some piles in his house (he is a slob) and came across the tapes. Then he looked at some of them and was reminded of how sweet everything was in the first months of the r/s. Our r/s took off around the holidays and that first Christmas was magical and just wonderful. I too miss him, especially during the holidays but I have to stay strong to stay n/c. I have some wonderful memories of our first Christmas. But then my memories cause pain because of the dissonance between the beginning with him and what happened in later months, when I saw his dark and angry side.  

I suspect he misses me when he sees me/us on the videos. He sees us in the honeymoon phase. He can be very enthusiastic and obsessive when he's into something. So he probably thought I'd want to see me/us in the tapes just like he was doing the night he called. He lacks insight into why that might be painful for me to watch.


"I worked hard to remind myself of the reality of my relationship - not the fantasy of what I hoped it would be. It's surprisingly easy to forget the worst moments. I reviewed the darker moments and I tried to be realistic about my exes reasons for reaching out and the likely outcome of reconnecting."

This is what I'm doing, knowing the outcome of calling him and even reconnecting for one phone call, I know how painful that would be and is the driving force in keeping me from calling him back. But there is such a pull to call him, to return his call because I am caring and human. I'm not used to not responding to someone reaching out, and there is an element of feeling guilty and sad (in the past he would chide me as if I was a child for not returning his calls and then go into an unreachable emotional state that I find hard to describe). I have to pull myself away from what he may feel or think about me not calling him back and return again and again to the bigger picture of taking care of my own emotional and mental well-being.

I appreciate your insight and advice, it is so very helpful. Being able to post and read other's insights and postings is helping so much!

[Fie]

"Sorrow prepares you for joy.
It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter.
It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place.
It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow.
Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place."

- Rumi

[Reader9]

I changed my cell phone number and blocked his phone number on my home phone I'm not worried about him trying to find where I live due to the circumstances. If that should happen, I'll take steps about it. I did not want to wonder if he would call again, even if it is every 3-4 years. It was painful to hear his voice after all this time; hurtful to be reminded of it. However I did really think about his darker, negative side again and the painful parts of the r/s and my part in it. Doing that convinced me it was time to fully block him. Just be done. No more. I couldn't have done this 3-4 years ago, I wasn't ready.  Time and work has helped. People on this board have helped.

[hurting300]

I changed my cell phone number and blocked his phone number on my home phone I'm not worried about him trying to find where I live due to the circumstances. If that should happen, I'll take steps about it. I did not want to wonder if he would call again, even if it is every 3-4 years. It was painful to hear his voice after all this time; hurtful to be reminded of it. However I did really think about his darker, negative side again and the painful parts of the r/s and my part in it. Doing that convinced me it was time to fully block him. Just be done. No more. I couldn't have done this 3-4 years ago, I wasn't ready.  Time and work has helped. People on this board have helped.

What if he isn't BPD? What if he made a stupid mistake and wants to fix it? Can't hurt to hear him out.

[Sunfl0wer]

Just wanted to chime in because I really appreciated reading your experiences and felt some things very worthy of highlighting.

But you know what? What I've learned began to appear in my thoughts. This is a "pull" from him, this is how he is when I'm painted white, all sweetness and light. The holidays are very difficult for him and it's Christmas time, he may be lonely, this could be one reason he called me. But I told myself and then wrote in my journal, that the feelings evoked from his call, those will fade in a day or two

  Smart of you to remind yourself that the feelings this triggered will pass.  
I think many folks on here resume contact because they are "in the moment" with their feelings and cannot see past the current flood of feelings.

I don't want to undo the self-care I've been doing for the last few years.

  Wise of you to balance out what you are experiencing with the reality of the work you have been doing.  You seem to be able to keep all things in focus besides the feelings you are having now, you also are integrating the feelings and care you have for yourself into the experience.

I feel blessed to not have any urgency about responding.

  What an excellent way to frame things, and excellent self talk! Love this!

Honestly, thinking I was important and meant something to him was not something I've been thinking about at all.

 . I feel many of us attach value to the other person wanting us or such.  Often, the pwBPD seeking to connect is actually thinking of their own reasons and feelings to soothe.  They often are seeking to validate that they are worthy to get a response from you or such.  Their feelings are not about you, they are about them!  Smart of you not to allow this to falsely raise your sense of importance!  Other people do not make us important, self esteem comes from within.

I think he is feeling lonely and is most likely alone. He has very few people in his life, no friends, detests his family and they live far away. I believe him when he said he was trying to clean up some piles in his house (he is a slob) and came across the tapes. Then he looked at some of them and was reminded of how sweet everything was in the first months of the r/s.

 . Yea, more of what I just said.  His reaching out is about him, not you.  If you had a personal reason to connect that suited YOU, maybe consider it.  However, considering reconnecting with a person because their attention made you feel important... .Not a good idea!  (I think this you know)

Just had the urge to point these things out because I really feel many can learn from this.

What is remarkable to notice is not the behavior of NC.  Sure, that is fine.  
What I find remarkable to notice for those of us struggling with detaching is your mind set, your way of thinking through this and processing it.

Good on you!

I read around here a lot.
I see many folks doing NC because they feel their ex is now a "bad person" therefore not worthy of a r/s from them.  That is fine to choose I suppose.  Yet, imo, a more mature choice is not simply NOT choosing "bad" things, but transitioning to choosing what works for you... .Imo is greater growth.

Sounds to me like you are being quite mindful to keep the feelings this triggered in balance with a broader perspective.  That you are making a choice for what is best for you, reminding yourself what you deserve, what works, and that this piece of him is not all of who he is as this feeling of yours is not all of your feelings.

You are not simply avoiding your feelings, trying to eradicate them.  You are seeing them, noticing them and keeping them in perspective.

You are not simply avoiding poor choices, but you are choosing wisely, choosing for you!

[Reader9]

What if he isn't BPD? What if he made a stupid mistake and wants to fix it? Can't hurt to hear him out.

Perhaps you didn't read my earlier postings, but we recycled several times for 2-3 years after I broke up with him (due to weeks of silent treatment and anger directed at me about something in his life I had nothing to do with) and he pushed and pulled at me as he did when we were together. There were plenty of times to fix the stupid mistake and I was still blamed for it. No he isn't diagnosed (he ridicules therapy and therapists) and maybe he doesn't have BPD, that's okay if he doesn't, but he behaves in ways very consistent with BPD and possibly NPD. I have done my homework as much as possible.

You can't know how much of FOG I still experience about him, so it is hard to read your suggestion. He made huge deals if I didn't return some phone calls during our recycling times when I was trying to limit my contact and heal (shaming me, calling me a liar, then he would disappear again). So me not calling him back is HUGE for me. I'm not comfortable with it at all yet. But again, I am doing my best to protect my mental and emotional well-being.

[Reader9]

Fie and Sunflower, thank you for your encouragement. I am taking these steps, but inside I'm not feeling strong and healthy at all. I am low today. I am emotionally and physically wiped out by this. I can't believe how his one phone call and message has brought me back to a place I thought I had gotten past. I tell myself I can only take one day at a time. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. Thank you again.

[DreamGirl]

A quick reminder that the discussion platform here is collegium, not debate (see below). I removed two posts that violate collegium.

Diversity of opinion is valuable. Let's embrace it!

2.1 Collegium, Not Debate:  bpdfamily.com is set up as a collegium. We follow a Collegial Discussion format which is characterized as having "authority" vested equally among colleagues/peers. As such, members present their ideas in "collegial harmony" and the credibility of their positions are based solely on the quality of the points they advance in writing. Diversity is to be embraced - there is often much to be learned from others views and perspectives. Collegial Discussion is the exchange of ideas, not a debate or an argument to be won. Our common interests and goals are what brings us together - let it not be what comes between us. Please be mindful that one of the important roles we all have is to help “center” others, not pile on or inflame emotional unrest. Member should not "hijack" the threads of others by changing the subject. All posts should be targeted to the subject matter introduced by the host of the thread. Our individual thoughts and ideas are important to each of us. Members shall be patient and understanding of other members that are in different stages of the learning or healing process or have different opinions than their own.

Please note that collegial discussion is different than debate. Debate is an argument or a discussion generally ending with a vote or agreement on the best decision. In debate, unity is the objective. Members are discouraged from debating and arguing against others' positions, or questioning the wisdom of others, or restating of their position repeatedly.
bpdfamily.com/guidelines#collegium

[Skip]

I am low today. I am emotionally and physically wiped out by this

One thing that stands out more than anything is how significant a pull you are having three plus years out. There is clearly some unfinished business here. What do you think is tugging at your heart.

I know someone mentioned, "no contact forever". To me, no contact is a crutch. I wouldn't yell "crutches forever". Healed forever or emotionally mature forever sounds better.  

While I'm not suggesting you call or not call / text or don't text / email or don't email, I do suggest detaching. Sometimes an important part of that is actually contact. You will find many members who have written here that contact was the final stage and test of their detachment. Its like a person with fear of heights climbing a ladder.

How might you do that? You could simply send him a text saying you also have fond memories of the past and hope we both will remember each other kindly. You could then share some friend news like "Aunt Sally passed".  Wish him a happy holiday. Tell him you are really looking forward to a busy fun week off from work (as in not available).

You could try the same on the phone, although the degree of difficulty is greater there.

Maybe you can't do this now. That's OK. Knowing yourself is an important step, too.

But the long term goal is not "crutches forever", its detachment from the wounds and releasing with grace and strength.

[steelwork]

Whether or not I get to the stage where I can have some bit of contact, this reply from Skip gave me a little flutter of hope that there might be a future beyond this grim adherence to silence. To speak once, with sincere good wishes, then float away... .

[Reader9]

You could try the same on the phone, although the degree of difficulty is greater there.
Maybe you can't do this now. That's OK. Knowing yourself is an important step, too.
But the long term goal is not "crutches forever", its detachment from the wounds and releasing with grace and strength.

Skip, I appreciate your feedback and I agree I am not as detached as I'd like to be.  There are other factors involved, I have a history of long ago DV and other types of abuse from a former r/s. Makes it more complicated, with the old emotional scars and some similarities in the two men, the two r/s. Whether or not I make contact with him (phone or note is the only option), my goal is to reach a more detached, healed state. I do like the image of moving forward with grace and strength, that is very fitting with my values and who I am.

[hopealways]

Reader, remind yourself that these people do not magically get better over time. So you are doing the absolute right thing. It would just be another hurtful recycle.

[hotncold]

Whether or not I get to the stage where I can have some bit of contact, this reply from Skip gave me a little flutter of hope that there might be a future beyond this grim adherence to silence. To speak once, with sincere good wishes, then float away... .

Yes, I am so glad that the shackles of silence have a key and can be discarded. I adhered so strongly to NC that I think it actually prolonged my recovery. I made up so many fantasies of how terrible he was and yet I remembered some wonderful things about him, I could not reconcile my fear and attraction for him.  I think if I had broken NC a bit more I would have been more hurt, yes, but also likely seen him more for what he was - a full-blown teenager in a grown man's body.

[Reader9]

It's been about a month since my original post about my ex (67 years old) contacting me after close to 4 years of NC and I decided to get a new cell phone number and block my landline. I know everyone has varying opinions about continuing or not continuing NC, detachment, etc. But only we know our ex in a way no one else can know them and what we went through in the r/s. I don't know if this will help anyone, but I feel so empowered by deciding to continue my NC and to block any further contact from him. I didn't do it in a mean, uncaring way. I didn't do it for revenge.

But now I feel the most detached I've ever felt, something really shifted in me with his call and my decisions about continuing NC. I am at peace about these decisions, but most important I am at peace and feel free about this past r/s and all that went with it. I wish him the best and wish him happiness. Unlike previous times, I don't feel responsible for his happiness or where he is in his life. I really did my best for years with him and it didn't work out. But peace and freedom from the past, wow! 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks for the update, it is something I appreciate hearing ... .that kind of perspective.

Seems similar to an event after my own breakup... .
However, it was my ex that blocked me from his social media, and also got his family and friends to block me as well.  There was no justified reason, in my mind, to take away his family who I considered my own, and friendships that I had independent of him, yet, for whatever reason, he must have fabricated a story to get them to follow through with NC to me.

Anyways... .
Just knowing, for me, that there was so limited connections in my life to him, (that he was of the type of character to go to such an extreme) actually did facilitate detachment for me.  Also knowing he took such extreme, "unecessary" action to alienate me from people I loved, helped me to realize that there was no way I was going to behave in a way that intruded in his life, even as a friend.

Just saying this because, seems like we all gotta find our own way, our own path, our own way to heal.  Seems to be a very individual and a very personal journey.

After he took that action, it kinda severed all minor doubts of anything, even aquaintances with him really.  After that, I gradually had more peace.

I am at peace about these decisions, but most important I am at peace and feel free about this past r/s and all that went with it. I wish him the best and wish him happiness. Unlike previous times, I don't feel responsible for his happiness or where he is in his life. I really did my best for years with him and it didn't work out. But peace and freedom from the past, wow!  smiley

Sounds like a good place to be.