Was I an attachment?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I read how BPD's hate to loose an attachment. All these years I must of been nothing more than an attachment? We were separated and still carried on a very different r/s. Several years ago Xw went on a trip, she called me often, we were separated, still sexual but she made no effort to tell me about her trip. She called to tell me how nice it was where she was at and how nice it would be to live there, told me there was lots of work for me in my occupation and she was offered a job in this city and how nice it would be to move to that city. We talked about this deeply, I found a job, did lots of foot work, Xw had input, but I did most of the work. I was showing my dedication to us but she was just keeping me on as an attachment. All the work I put into researching this city she said so coldly after she returned to our community " where are you going to live" i did so much all those years after she left me to prove my self and she only hung on to me until she found someone else. Being dedicated and loyal like a husband only to be told I didn't know how to be a husband or look after her kept me clinging to her. So I must of been nothing more than an attachment? Seems cruel and cold hearted. I guess it's things like this that cause so much pain in us non's, clinging to someone who knew all along they were going to discard you.

[bus boy]

I read how BPD's hate to loose an attachment. All these years I must of been nothing more than an attachment? We were separated and still carried on a very different r/s. Several years ago Xw went on a trip, she called me often, we were separated, still sexual but she made no effort to tell me about her trip. She called to tell me how nice it was where she was at and how nice it would be to live there, told me there was lots of work for me in my occupation and she was offered a job in this city and how nice it would be to move to that city. We talked about this deeply, I found a job, did lots of foot work, Xw had input, but I did most of the work. I was showing my dedication to us but she was just keeping me on as an attachment. All the work I put into researching this city she said so coldly after she returned to our community " where are you going to live" i did so much all those years after she left me to prove my self and she only hung on to me until she found someone else. Being dedicated and loyal like a husband only to be told I didn't know how to be a husband or look after her kept me clinging to her. So I must of been nothing more than an attachment? Seems cruel and cold hearted. I guess it's things like this that cause so much pain in us non's, clinging to someone who knew all along they were going to discard you.

[fromheeltoheal]

So I must of been nothing more than an attachment?

It's not nothing more than an attachment to a borderline bus boy, it's everything.  Someone, like a borderline, who doesn't have a fully formed self of their own, looks to attach to someone else, psychically fuse, to create one person out of two, to allow them to feel "complete" and "whole".  Problem is that's an inherently unstable situation: where do you draw the line between the two?  For a borderline there is no line, you're one person, very difficult to deal with for an autonomous partner with a whole self of their own, plus, once the attachment is established the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment show up, so someone gets too close, push them away, to far away, pull them back.  That's the hell a borderline lives in full time, and the motivation for coming up with all the psychological tools to deal with it, like telling you you didn't know how to be a husband, which was likely projection, she didn't know how to be a wife, because that would require being an autonomous individual with a whole self, which she literally could not do.  Standard borderline there, apply as applicable, and she couldn't articulate what's going on with her like that, she's not consciously aware of it, but the attachment focus is at the core of the disorder.

But there's what happened and what we make it mean, and what we make it mean is most of it.  How's your detachment going right now?  Do you see yourself working through stages and making progress?

[bus boy]

HI fromheeltoheal, you nailed a thought I had for years, was Xw telling me I was a bad husband projection. I remember before I ever heard of personality disorders, thinking, she is accusing me of everything she is doing, she still says my sister is a thief and she's not. Xw brother will steel the eyes out of your head and come back for the sockets. My detaching is going through the proper stages. I must keep reminding my self, maybe she left nine 1/2 years ago but we continued a very attached, emotionally abusive r/s up until one 1/2 years ago so I never really detached until recent plus the horrific pain of being discarded, finding out she was with another man. Lots of processing.