How do you feel now the holidays are coming up?

[Keef]

Hello everybody,

What are your thoughts now that the season is drawing close? Are you with friends? Alone? With family? Or couldn't you care less about that time of year, but still feeling lonely? All kinds of answers welcome, of course.

I for myself feel bad, since me and my ex were supposed to share the weekend. Didn't get to make proper plans though, she left me nearly a month ago. She declined the offer to go abroad with her already troubled family (them being a trigger for her), then she abandoned me. And here I am now. I know I will think of her and the loneliness she's put us both in for the weekend.

Hope you people are fine out there and not hurting too much.  

[heartandwhole]

Hi Keef,

I'm sorry things have broken down in your relationship. That is so hard, especially during the holidays. 

I'm having a bit of a rough time myself, not because of a breakup, but the loss of a dear friend to cancer. I've been struggling to get into the spirit of the holidays.

I am grateful to be spending time with my mom, however, and time for lots of self-care.

How are you handling things, Keef? What helps?

heartandwhole

[Keef]

Thank you heartandwhole,

Yes it is a sad place to be in at this time of year. I have invited myself over to a friend and his family on Christmas eve. They are aware of what I've been through and understand the drama and the circumstances very well. So I'm grateful for that. But yes, the image of my ex and her cat sitting alone in her apartment during Christmas is heart breaking. She has no friends anymore. F*** I'm really upset about this writing and thinking about it. Went to my T yesterday, I think those 45 mins really made me come in contact with my grief. What helps... good food, music, the T, knowing this doesn't have to be the end of the world... small steps and letting the emotions flow freely, not restricting myself in feeling sad or happy.

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. That's on a different level of pain. Glad to hear you won't be alone.

I guess there are a few of us right now wanting to fast forward into 2017 even though we know we'll just have to walk through it all if we want to heal properly.

Take care now.

[Keef]

The thing is it's a waste grieving too much for my ex gf's sake. She could be seeing someone new already... anything... I really don't know... and oh I wouldn't WANT to know. But it's nonetheless painful and sad. I never ever want to go through this again. It's just grief, it will pass, even though it keeps me awake at night... something like that... .

Let's stay strong.

Anyone else feel like joining in... ?

[Shedd]

Hello everybody,

What are your thoughts now that the season is drawing close? Are you with friends? Alone? With family? Or couldn't you care less about that time of year, but still feeling lonely? All kinds of answers welcome, of course.

Hope you people are fine out there and not hurting too much.  

 

I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

It's really hard. Not only is it Christmas, and all of my family brings their partners over, but my birthday (we met on my birthday), and our aniversary was yesterday.  Full of emotions.  Today is a little better, but still struggling.  

Hope you enjoy your holiday regardless! Hang in there! <3

[Keef]

burnerin, thank you.

That's tough. Many triggers there. You too - hang in there.! We'll be hangin-in-pros sooner or later...

Have a joyous holiday despite all the painful things.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Hi,

The holidays is just another day for me this year. I am lonely but without drama. I will visit my folks for a couple of days and that's it. I am not even sure what I am doing for New years really.

[wingy]

My sister and I have not spoken since Jan. 1, 2016. There have been emails. She has BPD diagnosed by two psychs. She will not go to a therapist, and if she does soon quits. I have been in therapy most of my life since I tend toward being codependent.

This holiday season my sister decided to visit my father and his wife who live about sixty miles from me. I figured I'd end up going there for a short visit, and I made plans with my father. But two days ago while journaling I decided to call him and cancel. I do not want to even see my sister let alone talk to her. Her fourth husband left her in May.

I deal with guilty and sadness most every single day about this. My sister has had mental problems since she was a teenager. They have worsened significantly as she has aged. I ran interference most of my life around her, walked on eggshells, tried to keep her in a good mood, etc. I got tired- so emotionally tired of it all, and I started to have physical symptoms. I noticed that when I would talk to her my stomach would feel jumpy, and if I was physically around her even for a day, I would have violent attacks of diarrhea. I have had to accept that I can't be around her anymore.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done and the saddest too, but I have a life too. I keep reminding myself of that.

I am not interested in the Christmas season. I will be relieved when it ends.

[Skyglass]

There have been lots of triggers throughout this holiday season. Not only is it holidays but memorable birthdays as well with my exBFwBPD. I feel a bit of disdain for him as well as utter disappointment in how it all turned out in the end. Months have gone by and I wondered if he thought at all about me today as today was a significant date for him and I shared this day with him for a few years. I welcome a new year with open arms, probably more so than I ever have before. It almost can't come quick enough. But I'm moving forward and I've done as much as I can so that I continue to do so. Today I will do something to celebrate ME... .first and foremost.

[Keef]

notsurewhattothinkofthis: I'm glad there's no drama surrounding you. I'm there too, but I still feel sad and empty every other day.

wingy: I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds very tough, I see you have tried your best and have had your best intentions, and finally have reached an end point. It's so hard sometimes, reminding oneself of what's best for oneself. We come from different places in all of this but we have to keep trying. I too will be so relieved when the Season is over.

Skyglass: I hear you. Oh my am I tired of being triggered. I am out of the r/s but I want out completely... So tired of this FOG.

To all of us: Yes. Let's welcome the forthcoming year.

[TommyBahama]

Sorry to hear that you will be alone for the holidays keep.  I will be spending the holiday with my BPD wife, she will try to isolate me from my son as much as possible.  She doesn't really like him that much and ignores him a lot of times.  But I am trying to make him as happy as possible.  I am not that concerned about myself once he is ok.  After he opens his gifts I am going to let him go to spend time with his biological mom so that he can be somewhere where he can have fun and be happy.  His mom is another story with a mental disorder also (compulsive behaviors, etc) but she does know how to have fun if nothing else.

Are any of your other family or friends around to share the holidays with?  It's tough being alone during the holidays.

[Keef]

TommyBahama: Thanks for joining in. I will be working a lot during the Season (I'm a musician... that's a way of spreading joy even if you feel crap yourself   ). And I recently invited myself to a friend w family on Xmas eve + will be seeing my mom/dad/brother in their home town on Xmas day. So there won't be too much time for ruminating, even though it seeps in when I least expect it to. I can't wait til the Holidays are over though. Glad to hear you have a plan for the weekend. Take care of yourself and your son, and stay out of drama.

[Duped 1]

I'm 3 mos NC after a 2 year rs after she had her adult children threaten to get the police involved if I emailed her again and she jumped into a new rs immediately even after telling me dozens of times that that would never happen. I thought I was improving but today has been awful. I saw her in traffic the other day and I know she saw me. Today was my last day of work until Jan 2 and I'm going to be alone a LOT with not much to do. I have had random events of tearing up and outright breakdowns and sobbing today. As awful as she was to me (especially at the end), I miss her and I miss being busy during the holidays as she wanted all of my time (even though it was never enough).

it's hard for me to understand why she wouldn't maintain some form of contact considering what we once were to each other.

[Herodias]

Thanks for asking... .sorry you are feeling blue. This is my first Xmas divorced. I think I have just been ignoring the whole thing. Christmas is happening all around me, but I have not decorated one thing. I am going out of state in the morning to be with family. Part of my not decorating is that I won't be home, but part of it is not wanting the hassle. My horrific ending to my marriage was on Christmas and it's pretty painful to even think about. Last year I had surgery on the day before Christmas, just so I could stay drugged up and not think about it I suppose. He is having his first Christmas with a new baby. I wonder how that will be for him... .personally I think he will not like not having the focus on himself, but then again... .babies provide a sort of focus on the parent don't they. I have been to a couple of parties and I have had a couple of guys interested in me, but I am not interested in them... .so it has been depressing in that it reminds me of what I miss about my marriage. I have to remain focused on how unhappy I was and yet try and be happy about Christmas... .I can't wait until it's all over with personally. I feel like a pwBPD pretending to like Christmas now,    Just kidding... .

[Herodias]

"it's hard for me to understand why she wouldn't maintain some form of contact considering what we once were to each other."

Duped 1, because they can compartmentalize and they would rather not think about us... .it's too painful. They are able to do what we wish we could... .not think about it. Sorry for your pain. xo

[Keef]

Duped 1, that's hard on you. Sorry for this. It seems like you've had a fair share of drama with your ex.

I thought I was improving but today has been awful.

 
I know how that feels. I've only been out of the r/s for one month and we've stayed LC. I cry for no obvious reasons at times. Sleep is disturbed. Et c. It's rough and I've learned it's a non-linear ride towards healing. Seeing her recently must've been a real trigger for you, and I hope when you see her next time that you can just let her "pass by". These people have already stolen parts from us, we don't want them to snatch our hearts again and again!

it's hard for me to understand why she wouldn't maintain some form of contact considering what we once were to each other.

I know where you're coming from. But please remember she does not function the same way you do. I am struggling a lot with these things at the moment, my ex contacted me yesterday and still I feel confused and hurt.

Take care, and try to see a therapist if you aren't already!  

[Duped 1]

Do they ever have a weak moment and reach out?

[Herodias]

Do they ever have a weak moment and reach out?

Yes... .mine did, but used an excuse.

[Duped 1]

Yes... .mine did, but used an excuse.

Can you explain a little more about this? How long had you been apart and NC and what did they say?

[Herodias]

I had not talked to him since last Jan. or Feb.  He was drunk and called me telling me he was sorry to hear my Step-dad wasn't doing well. Where he heard that and if he believed to to be true was a different story. I think his Mother told him and I told her 5 months ago. She doesn't tell him much since she never knows how is going to take things. He got all emotional and told me that he loved him and he was always like a Father to him... .I think he thought he was dying or something (not the case). He got off the phone quickly when I said thank you... .He said he would "talk to me later".  The gf must have walked in... .

[tammym1972]

Christmas is hard for me because I spent the last 3 years attending holidays at my exBPDbf family. I wonder if any of them miss me or are thinking about me. We broke up two months ago and now he has an on again off again relationship with this new girl that has BPD and PTSD. I wonder if she is spending the holidays with them.

I was forced to move in with my Mom (who has her own issues) so I'll be spending Christmas with her. I might go to a friends too.

I especially miss buying presents for his two kids. I moved an hour away and he left me without a car or I'd drive up and see them at their Mom's.

[bus boy]

Hi everyone, I will spend xmas with my son and my family. First actual xmas morning I have had with my son in 5 years.    xmas xmas.
 Merry Christmas

[JJacks0]

This will be my first xmas alone in 7 years. We used to spend all of xmas eve and xmas day together with our families.

Now we've been split for 5 months and I haven't heard from my ex in nearly 2 months.
I don't even want to acknowledge the holidays this year. I don't want to show up at my family's house alone and see all my aunts, uncles and cousins w/ their significant others & kids.
I didn't decorate at all or even really buy many gifts. I used to spend all my money on her, trying to find the perfect presents.

I plan on seeing some friends tonight and tomorrow night after the family portion, for a distraction and to switch things up. I just want to treat this like any other day.

Over the past 7 years we had so many miserable holidays together because she was always upset about something. But right now I miss her so much I'd take that over being without her. I always wanted a peaceful xmas - this year I guess I'll have it, but it seems worthless now without her.

Good luck to everyone struggling over the next few days.  

[The Teacher]

Thank you heartandwhole:

I am alone this Christmas (forced out of my house during a divorce from my BPD wife) and my grown children are far away. My 24-year old died earlier this year and it is my first holiday without her. I had a flight out west to see family over Christmas and it was cancelled due to weather (Frontier Airlines disaster).

I am finding places to go - heading to a Christmas Eve mass and potluck dinner at a church I've never attended just so I am not by myself tonight. Tomorrow I'll visit friends from my grief support group who invited me. I'm living in a town with only one family member (moved here four years ago to be with my wife as she grew up here) and it's hard. The building I live in is completely empty - my employer gave me an emergency studio apartment in it and the building is closed for the holidays except for me. It's surreal.

Hang in there everybody.

[ynwa]

To everyone who has posted... .   

reading your stories and hearing you guys open up, helps me as much as I hope it helps yourselves.  Thank you for sharing. For so long I felt I was an alien and had lost myself dealing with my uBPD so. 

[Duped 1]

This is so painful. I'm missing her terribly and I know her and my replacement are hanging out with her family and I'm doubting I'll ever even hear from her again. It's crazy what a profound impact she has had on my life when no one has ever treated me worse than she did.

[michel71]

Duped I feel the same way and am struggling today as well. I am looking forward to when the holidays are over. My uBPDw is moving out next week. I am out of town and when I return home she will be gone. I planned it that way so as to not have to witness her move. Too painful. This move was for the best and we both wanted it. We were going to evaluate our relationship thereafter although I had little hope.

Today I have no hope. She hacked into my computer and read my emails before I left town. Found some emails where I said some pretty harsh things about her to a friend. She wasn't supposed to see them of course. It was a real rant. Needless to say she was very upset, especially reading words I used like "sociopath" and "BPD". Hasn't texted me since I left so I reached out to her... .So she told me that she does not want to speak to me anymore.

Blocked my number. Told me to only communicate via email. Of course I emailed and got a poo poo load of venom back. Really upset me. She absolutely hates me now.

And I feel awful. And its Christmas. And I am with my daughter whom I love but trying to fight back tears all the time.

[tammym1972]

Duped1 I feel the exact same way. Can't wait for a new year to begin!