Hello, I'm here or maybe I'm not?

[ynwa]

Hello,  I am currently at that crossroads that I am sure many here have experienced.  It's not the first time in this 3 year relationship, 2 of which we have lived together.  It is however the first time, I have actively reached out to friends and resources like this one. My girlfriend is definitely in process of dealing with undiagnosed symptoms of BPD.

I have feelings of loss and confusion, after blindly going headlong into way too many arguments, using rational problem solving with someone who clearly does not respond. I thought it was me, I think it's my approach, I even let myself be punched more than once and left bloody knowing full well it was more than ME causing the fight and response as the only way I could get her to "calm down".

Slowly I began to see my mistakes, knowing that someone that had been abused and molested must be "damaged".  I too thought myself to be damaged. But those words are wrong.  All my words are wrong, and I don't know where to start or finish, even in this introduction.  I am afraid to be alone, to start again. I am also afraid to continue. I am facing 6 nine months off work for shoulder surgery, and it's the holidays. 

But I love her, and she loves me. We have a connection, but it gets lost in her somewhere, because she has more going on in there and can't let it out. And I can't and am not allowed to press or dig deeper. I can't tell when I'm going too far and she goes to defense/attack mode and flips me around. She makes final statements and works my own feelings against me. She's been dealing with this for years, I've only been here three.

She wants marriage, kids, and I can see the road head isn't that clear cut.  I've tried to been understanding and not make her the victim, to side step, to move past issues with no resolution, so they reappear.

But I've fallen down at times, I've called her names, I've been hateful, I've been brutally honest and let my emotions go full blast.

I'm almost a foot taller, I have a deep voice, and I have a short temper at times, but that if not correct is only natural.  And I do try to make amends, to explain, to

Christ, I could go on and on.    Which needs to stop.

[Larmoyant]

Hi ynwa and welcome to BPD family  .

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, but it’s great that you’ve reached out. You’ve come to a good place for understanding and help. We really do get it.

It sounds like you’ve been trying so hard and are being very hard on yourself. It can be extremely difficult dealing with our partner’s borderline emotions and so confusing. Your feelings of loss and fear intermixed with love and concern are familiar too. There is a lot of information here that can help you wade through all the conflicting emotions and help you come to a decision that is right for you.

I encourage you to keep reading and posting. Don’t be afraid to vent and let it all out. I’ve done this many times, and have been met with wonderful support and advice.

[ynwa]

Thank you Larmoyant,

I've been reading and have been able to take a breath. I know that I don't have to make a decision today, right now.  I will read further, and build from what I see others going through.