3 weeks NC initiated by me

[DreamerGirl]

Maybe I have finally reached my limit.  I hope so.

Anyone who has read my story will notice that I have always been on the receiving end of Silent Treatments and that in July this year he totally discarded me for 3 months.  Just threw me away like a piece of trash.

And just as I was getting a little bit stronger, almost three months to the day, he sent a smoke signal out to me.  This threw me, emotionally.  I had desperately craved hearing from him for three months.  I wanted to know why he had had left me without warning.

So, when I received the text I had dreamed about in the first two months after discard, it threw me backwards. 

Then one week after that text to me, I lost my Mom in an accident.  I immediately reached out to him.  And he was there for me, instantly.  He acted very sorry for discarding me, but he never exactly told me what happened. He did say he had been with other woman.  But due to my grief for Mom, I didn't even ask many questions and I was already numb so I didn't really take that in.

He has somehow, over the last two months, managed to turn his discarding me and cheating onto me.  He expected me to stay faithful to him when he disappeared.  Which I actually did.  But in his mind I didn't.  He said a few times he is struggling with the jealously of my new men.  There are no new men, just in his imagination.  He said he is scared, because he has never felt jealousy before and I have the power to hurt him.

I don't even understand that, he is the one who discarded me, found new supply, while I spent that time trying to survive what he did to me, then he comes back and practically blames me because now he is feeling insecure.

So the last two months have been super weird.  I have been on guard, waiting fo r him to leave me again, and also grieving my Mom.

Then after dinner three weeks ago, he was acting a little bit strange while we were out for dinner, and one of his women friends happened to arrive at the same restaurant we were at.  I had always had a very strange gut feeling about her, knowing they had done something, but for her to turn up while I was there with him was more than co-incidence.  It just felt strange.  My gut told me this.  Also he acted slightly different to our normal.

He has treated me in so many bad ways over 5 years.  So why this time I felt it so intensely, I'm not sure.  Maybe my loss of Mom, I don't know.

But the thing is I felt betrayed. 

He spent the night.  I didn't sleep much, my mind was all over the place, so confused.

I have gone NC since that.  When he left he next morning for work and I felt so confused, once again, wondering what did this other woman have to do with us, what is going on, I just thought... .I can't keep doing this.

He has tried to contact me, via text.  I can't respond anymore.  I can finally see the part I keep playing in this role.'

He likes the drama.  He needs it to feel alive.

I don't want nor need this anymore.  I love this man, but he has too many issues and I can't keep him close to me anymore because sadly his love is toxic, to me.





I thought I had

[sad but wiser]

Dear Dreamergirl,
Once you wake up, you are awake.  I am so sorry about your mom.  That is a terrible loss!
That thing at the restaurant sounds like it was set up.  What woke up was your self respect protecting your core.  What he did by trading the reality of his actions for yours was projecting.  It is very surreal and breaks down your internal compass.
  I doubt that you can get a true explaination or closure from him.  Be sure to keep safe physically.  Keep alert. 
Here was something that helped me detach:  if you drive 5 hours down the wrong road that doesn't lead where you want to go, should you keep going on it just because you've invested so much time driving on it?

[heartandwhole]

Hi DreamerGirl,

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mom. That must have been very difficult for you. I completely understand why you reached out to your ex. I'm sorry that things seemed to get weird between you, though.

It sounds as if something has shifted in you, and I commend you for realizing that this situation isn't working anymore. Understanding is one thing, but you then took action to protect yourself from behavior (his and yours) that wasn't helping you. That takes courage, especially when you are grieving your mom. Well done. 

It's been 3 weeks; what has helped the most? How do you keep yourself from responding to him?

Thanks for sharing, you give hope to others who are struggling. 

heartandwhole