I'm confused

[pineapple]

I've never been to a board like this but feel desperate today.  Spend an entire evening in anguish with my spouse who believes that my behavior toward him is evil.  I don't believe this to be the case.  He has been diagnosed with depression and I was once told he had a personality disorder. We go through cycles like this but this is a bad round.  I am worn out and struggling to stop the cycle; to be balanced in my understanding (it's hard to believe some of what he believes), etc.  Any suggestions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I know the frustration and desperation you feel. It seems like a never ending battle, and it just may be. The constant accusations and arguments wear you down. I'm new here and I've been reading through the information on the right side of the page. I've been studying BPD for awhile and it really helps me to understand what is going on with him. It's easier for me to deal with him when I see that he is currently incapable of not acting the way he does. It's important to begin validating him but also setting boundaries for yourself. It may not completely fix things but it sure does help you gain some sanity.

[livednlearned]

Oof, being told your behavior is evil is painful  

What behaviors? Usually it's a projection, often it can come from past trauma, especially family of origin stuff that has never been resolved. He may be feeling evil, or grew up in a home where someone said that to him, and in his emotional dysregulation, he projects it onto you where it easier to process negative emotions from a safe distance.

I know it's hard to experience these dysregulations. Often it is not personal, and sometimes it can even pass without them fully remembering what they said and did.

Do you feel comfortable describing an interaction, what he says and how you respond? Maybe we can help find places where there is an opportunity to diffuse the escalation.

LnL

[pineapple]

Thanks for your responses ... .helped me feel not so alone.  It's been a rough few days in the current cycle.  Between holidays, the sudden death of my mother in January and the death of my husband's beloved dog in August, plus the pressures of building a cabin have created a perfect storm at year's end.  A few other notes about my story:  I have been married to my husband for almost 15 years.  There were signs of issues before we got married - in hindsight.  I ignored most chalking them up to early 20s bachelor type behavior.  But he's not been employed since before we married.  He has bouts of deep depression.  For several years, threats of suicide were great but he never stays on meds.  Now the suicide threats are no more (because I promised to call 911 if the threats came again) and are replaced by a general desire to die (though there are reportedly no active plans to act on the desire.)  This week, there were middle of the night proclamations that he wanted a divorce because he could not spend the rest of his life feeling so unloved followed by singing, yes singing, the next morning.  Over the years these cycles have been really wearing.  They are often predictable but frequently unpredictable.  Just when I have managed to put the trauma of the episodes out of my mind, they start up again. And that is really how they feel to me... .days of trauma of being described as an awful person who makes him feel terrible, from whom he wants to divorce; that I am constantly bringing anxiety to our household and that it is his full time job to keep the house calm.  I feel defensive even writing this.  But here's the facts: I work a very demanding corporate job, am the sole breadwinner, we have no children, only small dogs.  He naps every day, doesn't work, does very little to maintain our house and home without prodding and is likely a computer addict with periodic bouts of porn addicted behavior.  I do all the food shopping and whatever cooking is done, I pay the bills and manage our finances, I keep the house clean and decorated (with the exception that he helps prep for the cleaning lady who comes twice a month), I do all of the maintenance of family relationships including things like Christmas shopping and coordination.  It is a highly inequitable marriage.  Yet he is the one who feels I have created the inequity.  It feels insane to me.  I don't use that word lightly because I don't intend to diminish the experiences of mental illness.  But I am perpetually confused, sad, upset, stressed, without a partner.  I feel abused.  Yet these are all the things he says I am doing to him... .my own perception tells me something very different than what he tells me.  It's all around an awful life experience.  I remain committed to my marital vows.  I love my husband.  I also have a really hard time being married to him and living the current life we live.

Somehow putting a lot of this in writing is soothing.  But I remain confused.  Do any of you participate in support groups? What is the experience like?  ALSO, I am frustrated that my husband's therapist does not seem to want to give a diagnosis.  Over the years she mentioned to me that he had a personality disorder.  He shared that he has depression and oppositional defiance disorder.  I am frustrated at the lack of specific diagnosis that might help me better understand how to support and navigate our relationship.  Any thoughts on how to address these aspects?

THANK YOU, dear BPD community.

Till next time,
Pineapple

[livednlearned]

It's so hard to go through the trauma/tender cycle.

Do you have a therapist to help you make sense of his behaviors and how they impact you? Therapists who treat people with BPD have their own therapists, that's how trying and confusing it can be to make sense of the behaviors. Trying to figure out what is their stuff and what is ours can feel crazy making to sort it out, like you describe.

Middle of the night proclamations are the worst. I don't know what it is about BPD and the late night arguing, but it seems to be a thing.

What's the one thing that you most want to improve in the relationship? Sometimes it helps to focus on a specific pattern that repeats -- like the middle of the night stuff.

The tough thing is that he probably suffers from a crippling sense of inadequacy, made worse by the fact that you are highly competent. Sometimes minor ways of changing how we communicate can help improve their self-worth, at least to the point where they aren't lashing out in pain and anger to deflect from their own intense pain.

[pineapple]

Thanks, LivedandLearned.  I wish I could better keep him with a stable sense of adequacy.  I know it isn't my responsibility to do that but if I could help keep that more even, it would help the dynamic tremendously.  Most times it feels like a lost cause because he doesn't seem to believe (or remember, perhaps) the things I say and do to demonstrate my appreciation and admiration for his achievements - however large or small.  Any thoughts for the day to day things that I can do to help him feel more adequate?