Newly Dx SD, husband struggling

[jennaberk]

Does anyone have any insight or advice on a recent BPD diagnosis (SD 14 yo, although behaviors have been evident for years) when your spouse is struggling? My husband grew up with BPD mom and sister and it seems the survival strategies he developed then are all he reverts to with his daughter. We've been in marriage counseling for a year, and have our own therapists. I am not expecting him to change his daughter, but having boundaries and holding her accountable would make a huge difference for our marriage and also our other kids who are on the sidelines watching this daughter cause chaos and get away with everything.

I've noticed he only seems to be really irritated by her behaviors when it interferes with him getting recognition or talking about his day, probably related to the dynamic with his sister monopolizing. I totally understand why these coping mechanisms developed but after years of waiting for change, I feel like he's choosing my suffering over his discomfort that he'd have when in therapy when learning better coping to handle this more appropriately.

They just did the DBT training and SD will start in January. And not like I expect everyone to be on a message board over Christmas, but I'm pregnant and spent this morning in tears  at the indoor play place I took my son to because I had to get out of the house. I feel hopeless that there will be change. Our marriage therapist says this is going to be a long and slow process for him--but I've already been waiting for 7 years, and my empathy and patience is out. If it weren't Christmas Eve my son and I would be in a hotel after this mornings series of events.

Now I feel like I can't count on anyone else, that my husband doesn't truly understand the pain this is causing me, I'm scared for my son and the baby to be living in this... .I just feel depressed. I've been reading the books recommended and am trying to find ways to better protect myself from the behaviors but I just go back to feeling alone and  depressed.

Anything anyone has done or experienced to help get through this would be great because for now I just feel trapped in my own life. Outside of the issues surrounding how my husband handles (or doesn't) SD behaviors, things are great and when she's not with us, I feel so much better and enjoy my husband, son and our life. When she's here, I'm hiding in my bedroom or scheduling things to avoid being home and it's not how I want to live. It's 50/50 custody so a good amount of time.

[livednlearned]

Hi jennaberk,

I can relate to everything you are saying.

You're not alone   even on Christmas Eve.

I'm spending the holidays with friends 3000 miles away from SO and D19 to get a respite.  

Did your spouse seem to pick anything up from the DBT training?

What happens when you talk to him about your concerns? How do you talk to him, and what are the trigger issues?

I think the hard truth is that we have to become the emotional leaders in these dynamics. Your spouse is a good guy who happens to be a bit crazy (and unskilled) when it comes to his D14. My SO is the same way.

Even so, I cannot imagine doing this without the help of a counselor. When/if D19 lives with us again, I need him to come to counseling with me before and during her stay. Is that something your spouse would commit to, if he isn't already?