Completely at a loss.

[Spaceghost]

Hey, my first post here and I'm gonna just get right to this... .

My girlfriend has BPD and we've been together nearly a year. I also have mental ill issues (high functioning depression and anxiety) and we've both suffered different degrees of physical and mental abuse, she's had a couple of very abusive partners back to back, the first of which violently sexually abused her (as well as mentally) and the second was a controlling sociopath who is the cause for her 7 year old son not to live with her (she still has contact and sees him weekly, he lives with her mother). I was sexually abused when I was 10 by an older boy and I was mentally abused by an alcoholic stepfather. She also was in and out of hospital for 10years with anorexia from which she has recovered. We have both struggled with some substance abuse but both in control of that now. So... .lots of issues at play here. This is also a reasonably long distance relationship, around a couple of hours on a train so that makes things harder.

 We met while I was in my previous relationship through mutual friends, added each other on facebook but didn't really speak for two years. That relationship ended when I found out my partner had cheated on me and covered it up for two years. About 5 months later I met up with my current partner after gradually talking more over facebook. We completely hit it off, wasn't a rebound in the slightest and were totally into each other. She totally opened up about her abuse and everything, though I wasn't as forthcoming about my past as I guess I wasn't quite ready to me, opening up is an ongoing issue for me but I'm improved over the years.

A few weeks in everything was going really well, the distance sucked but we dealt with it. We had a conversation about one of her friends who was in a relationship liking pics of other girls on facebook and she said it would really hurt her if I did that. Then very stupidly I went and liked two pictures of my female friends, neither of which had any intent behind nor were they sexual in nature. My only real explanation is being stupid and inconsiderate of the consequences of social media. Around the time I was healing from my previous partners infidelity I became a bit sucked into the attention seeking side of social media but like I say, I was pretty ignorant to the consequences of it. Not making excuses for myself, if she says it would upset her and I go and do it then it's disrespectful regardless of why it happened. Maybe I wasn't totally ready to listen to her feelings and hadn't properly healed yet, which was selfish and inconsiderate and I truly felt sorry and tried to make up for it and thought I could do so as we are deeply in love. I really love her and would do anything to fix this.

To her, its as good as cheating. She hasn't trusted me since, accused me of everything you could imagine, insults me and becomes verbally abusive when she's upset. She continually says I make her feel ugly and unwanted (she is literally perfect), tells me I don't care, compares me to her sociopathic ex, tells me I make her want to die and that whenever she goes anywhere she is scared of me looking at other people and can't relax. She says I sold her a false dream and I'm fake and not a real person. She blames me for ruining stuff she goes too and says I stop her taking care of herself and takes attention away from her son.

Now its coming up to us being together a year, we've had some really, really good patches in our relationship where it really looked like it was better. But always becomes even more toxic each time it gets bad again. Right now it's really bad, she more or less has said I should suffer and not ever be happy and don't deserve to be trusted or loved or happy and should always pay.
I'm really confused because I don't know if this is all me, I try to never bring her BPD into things but I know that it DOES play a part in how she approaches things. I know what I did really hurt her but I don't know whether this is truly all me the way she says or whether this is something someone else would just be angry about but get over after talking it out. I am so stressed out and ill all the time, I'm doing badly at work, I dont do my art and music as much (which is essentially my therapy), I cant go anywhere by myself without us ending up arguing, I've self harmed for the first time in 8 years, just scratching myself but it is a slippery slope.

I completely accept responbility for my actions and I know I should have listened, I'd do anything for her. I love her and have tried to be patient with her, now I'm wound so tight all the time I get angry with her but I supress as I dont want to shout at her, but I have a few times though I've never been insulting or abusive (I hope), it's usually just out of desperation or frustration.

I've had experiences with BPD before, my best friend who is a high ranking mental health nurse had a two year relationship with someone with BPD and it almost literally killed him. I didn't know my partner had it until we were together a couple of months but I had suspicions of it.

The parts that are good are really good and she is incredible. I would do anything to save it. She's trying really hard, getting help and I completely feel wretched and like a failure in this. I feel like if I leave it will just show her I don't care and don't love her but if I stay I don't know if I'll even function much longer.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to sound lije a victim and make her to be the villain, I'm really not! I don't know what to do at all. Sorry it's such an essay!

Thankyou to anyone who reads it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Spaceghost,

Right now it's really bad, she more or less has said I should suffer and not ever be happy and don't deserve to be trusted or loved or happy and should always pay.
I'm really confused because I don't know if this is all me, I try to never bring her BPD into things but I know that it DOES play a part in how she approaches things. I know what I did really hurt her but I don't know whether this is truly all me the way she says or whether this is something someone else would just be angry about but get over after talking it out. I am so stressed out and ill all the time, I'm doing badly at work

I'm sorry that it's difficult for you right now and it's affecting your performance at work. You mentioned that you're high functioning with depression / anxiety have you sought out help for that? I have major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders and I take medication that helps my symptoms.

Don't beat yourself up, you're not responsible for someone else's feelings a pwBPD can't process or regulate emotions and project their feelings and actions on others. You're not responsible for her disorder, I know that it's difficult to deal with BPD when a loved one is affected by it. I'd suggest to read as much as  you can about the disorder, just as much as you should read about depression and anxiety. It will help you to understand why she acts the way that she does and you can learn to depersonalize the behaviours and become indifferent to them, you neither like it or hate it.

Your performance at work worries me, do you have a counselor or therapist that you can talk to?

[Spaceghost]

Thanks for replying.

I did seek help and I was at a point where I was managing it well without the need for medication etc until recently. Even going through the break up of my last relationship I still managed it well, it's been recently that I've started to really struggle again.

I did read a lot about how to deal with BPD, not just for my partner but also when my best friend was with his pwBPD, as she was a good friend of mine back then. I was doing well with dealing with the behaviours, and we actually used to be able to calmly talk about our relationship at times. Now anything I do makes it worse, if I stay patient she accuses me of not caring and lacking empathy. She is actually trying to paint our relationship as that 'empath with a narcissist' thing from the looks of it, I'm sure you can guess who is supposed to be the narcissist!

It's only recently that she's started considering what happened in the beginning as cheating from the looks of it, I asked if that's how she felt and she said yes, even though a fair while ago she said she I knew I hadn't cheated. Wish I never asked! I understand that doesn't necessarily make that a BPD thing, that could just be her opinion and I agree it's disrespectful especially as I said I wouldn't. But I'm don't know whether this is all going way too far.

I wanted to add that I'm 31 and she's 35.

[pearlsw]

Hi Spaceghost,

Welcome to the family! It sounds like there is a lot going on here  - a lot of issues that take a lot of time, patience, and hope to work on. I would suggest focusing a bit on yourself - that is the part you have control over, not her. The more grounded you are, the more you can bring to the relationship and set a healthier tone for it. I am concerned you mention you self-harmed after having not done in so years because the stress is so high. I am also concerned that your frustration levels are leading you to yell/react at times. Are those things you could put some attention to?

Have you seen the lesson on the right side of the board about Ending Conflict?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict/ ?

When I first came to this site I was overwhelmed too. I wasn't even sure what all was available here, but was relieved to hear about others having similar experiences. There is a lot to read and absorb so it's worthwhile to stick around! There are lots of lessons and videos to watch. Hope you can find some relief here from these hard times!

What next steps do you feel ready to take?

[Spaceghost]

Before I met her, I was reasonably grounded or at least was working on it. One of the things that is preventing me from being more grounded is my living situation. I live with my mother atm due to struggles with finding work for a while but now have a permanent job, but I can't afford to have my own place again now because I spend at least £350 of my paycheck to see her (she has her own place so she doesn't come to me often) so I feel somewhat stuck there.

A lot of what I've read on here is not far from what I had been doing to be honest, a lot of it has fell apart now due to being overstressed. I work a lot, travel to see her twice a week so I'm always exhausted and I struggle to stay as calm as I did. At the moment, I sometimes feel like I hate her which makes me feel worse. I am willing to work on whatever I can, but I do sometimes consider if I should walk away from it.

I am relieved to read some of the posts here though and see that it isn't just me.