WHY are THEY the way THEY ARE?

[WifeInOz]

Hi Everyone,

  Im just wondering how my husband BECAME a person with BPD?Is it always genetic or is it because of something that happened to them?  A little background, he was adopted by his parents when he was 20 months old. Before adoption he lived in an orphange for  8 months because his mother gave him up at 12months old(Evidently they were very poor, 7 children and the dad was overseas in the military alot ,so the mother gave up a few of the kids). From what I was told he had a somewhat normal childhood, but he did tell me that his adoptive dad(the only dad he knew) called him stupid often. Forgive me if this isn't the right place to post this but I am just trying to understand my husband. I have asked him if anything traumatic has happened to him as a child and he said no. However, I would think being given up at a year old by your mother and then leaving your safe place AGAIN at 20months would be hard on a baby? Yet he doesn't remember any of it... .obviously.

Any insight appreciated xoxox

J

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[borderlinebunny]

Many of those with BPD were abused in some way, or we constantly had our emotions invalidated throughout childhood and so we didn't learn how to process, name, or deal with emotions in a healthy way.

It's an interesting thing to study, and it can help make sense of why pwBPD are the way we are.

Many of us were born very sensitive people, but were raised by parents who didn't know how to treat a sensitive person. I think this explains why you can have a few siblings, but only one of those siblings grows up to have BPD whereas the others might not. Although if the household was invalidating, neglectful, or abusive, then other personality disorders can manifest in other siblings.  

From what it sounds like, your husband did experience the sorts of things which lead to someone developing BPD. The reason so many of us have a pathological fear of abandonment is because many of us actually were abandoned and we are scared of it happening again.

[Tattered Heart]

If children from birth to about 3 years of age do not have their physical and emotional needs met during this time, they will likely develop attachment disorder. Living in an orphange at such a young age, it is likely that your husband did not receive physical affection or have his needs met like he would have if a parent had been raising him.

There are two different types of attachment disorder: inhibitive or Disinhibited. IN children with the inhibitive attachment disorder, they do not attempt to reach out to others. They dont' seek comfort in times of stress. In children with disinhibitive attachment disorder, they attach too quickly to other people.

Everything I"ve read on the subject points to children are diagnosed with attachment disorder; adults are diagnosed with BPD (although it is not clear cut. This is just my observation when I've tried to search the difference between attachment disorder and BPD). Children with attachment disorder often grow up to be adults with a BPD diagnosis. Many of the behaviors are the same. You can read a lot about attachment theory and attachment style by doing a quick search online. It's quite interesting.

[isilme]

Somehow their emotional development hit a roadblock in very early childhood, usually.  I grew up with two parents who both had variations of BPD/NPD/ASD themselves, which put me into the co-dependent side of the spectrum, growing up thinking I existed to meet their needs, not that they were adults who were supposed to meet mine. 

I think you can see that there may be some sort of biochemical predisposition to, as someone else mentioned, be sensitive, but also there are circumstances that can either trigger or set the stage for BPD to develop, and also for how strong of a disruption the disorder can be. 

H's mother's first husband, his birth father was apparently very abusive and may have used drugs in addition to alcohol.  She left him when H was between 2 and 3 years old.  His sister was about 7 or 8.  His mother soon remarried, and had a 3rd kid, and all three of them have anxiety issues that manifest in different ways.  The sister is a controlling perfectionist who schedules things to the minute, and needs attention for being perfect, and can be super irrational since she had children.  She used to be better able to control herself, but after getting preganant, her hormones stepped in and removed whatever mask of control she had, to where he husband would talk about walking her out of stores because she became hysterical.  H is the middle kid, feels alone, overlooked, and marginalized by his family, both happy to be in the shadows at times, and upset and angry at others, also sits on the edge of needing to be a perfectionist to the point he self sabotages rather than give things an honest try, in case he fails.  The youngest is prone to rage fits and his wife told me finally that he gets so jealous she doesn't do social media because he's afraid she will talk to other men. 

Some home, same mother, different reactions to same stimuli.

So it's a bit of a crap shoot.  Nature and nurture all play a role, but just look at the Coping with Family members board, and you will find a lot of varieties of co-dependents like me, with siblings who went full BPD. 

[Lockjaw]

My uGF told me her dad didn't do anything with her. He never had time for her, never talked to her, never gave her any affection.

Her mom tried to make up for it, and taught her a lot. Thankfully she was raised well enough not to be promiscuous or abuse drugs and alcohol.

Her hubs treated her much like her dad, except substance abuse and verbal abuse. He didn't want anything to do with her. Now that they are divorced, she has at least moved on, but those scars are permanent. So I see her abandonment issues, I see how she would not feel good about herself. I find it puzzling because she is stunningly beautiful, and I love being seen with her. Makes me feel like the guys I used to see with hot women and wondered what they did I didn't. YA know?

And she has done a lot for me too. Helped me in ways. And I help her. I am co-dependent, thanks to my upbringing. But I have resolved myself this 2017 was the year people pleasing LJ goes away, and I have already begun at work. Hey, sorry if NO upsets you.

So try to view them as a grown toddler. Something upsets them, and the only tool in their toolbox is to fuss.

[enlighten me]

Heres a thought. If BPD has a genetic link then isn't it possible that one or both of the parents has BPD so the invalidating behaviour seen by the child is actually BPD behaviour. If that is the case then growing up we take our social cues from our parents so not only would the child have the genetic predisposition, have been invalidated, they would also have traits reinforced by learned behaviour. This would mean that by the time the child reached 18 and could be formally diagnosed they would have their full lifetimes worth of learned behaviour to work on.

One last thought. As Borderlinebunny stated pwBPD have a higher sensitivity level. Could some of the invalidating behaviour be this heightened sensitivity making things seem more extreme. I ask this as my ex wifes version of her upbringing compared to what her mum and brother say is a lot harsher. Ive often wondered whether some things just seemed more extreme to her.