Hi rzr,
I hope the holidays are going well for you too!
You seem aware of your situation and, as you say, more wanted to vent than ask for help. So let me just note a few things that jump out at me reading your post.
it was the usual one sided relationship only when she wanted to talk or meet she would get ahold of me.
... .
I'm the exception to her and how she paints people.
What are you each getting out of this connection, which clearly feels dysfunctional to you in various ways? From your post, it sounds like she feels secure in you being someone who will always be there, no matter what her behaviour is and no matter how much you discover and call her out on. Sounds like you enjoy the feeling of being that special person in her life who will put up with all of it and still see her as a good person -- so that you are never fully painted black.
Is this a fair trade for you? If this is the foundation of the relationship, is it one you want to hold onto?
She said no, and what said next was creepy, I wish many of times I had a child with you because I would have you for life (she can't have kids anymore)!
My ex said the same thing to me. It would be a guarantee that the attachment will always be there in some form.
Yep she said that and the fact she will never fully let me go. I believe this to be true now I tried maybe having her paint me black, called her out on everything, and told her bf about what was going on.
All the things you say you tried in order to have her let you go ... .they are all ways in which you put the decision back in her hands. It sounds like you are each testing one another to see whether one of you will make the decision to break the attachment. If you reach a point where you truly want to detach, you'll have to make that decision for yourself, not rely on her to let you go.
I'm the only person she trust and puts up with her.
Again, the dynamic seems to be that you'll put up with everything she does, so she never fully cuts you out. Is that fair?
It's no use, I can't I realize that and need to protect myself.
... .
I think I got a month before she may try a backdoor way of getting ahold of me. 8 some years of off and on crazy, I just want it to end.
Is this really what you want? If so, why are you unable to resist when she tries to get ahold of you? Is there something specific you can think of that draws you back in? Do you have hope she'll leave her bf someday to be with you?
You seem to have a good understanding of the situation you're in. The question is -- what do you want moving forward? Not an easy question! But only you can make the decision to end this attachment, if that's what you want. That is not her choice to make for you.