Trying to be Patient - Divorcing BPD Wife

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi. I posted a few months ago when I first got forced out of my house by my BPD wife (threatened to file false accusations of domestic violence against me - I was always actually the victim of her verbal and physical abuse). Had my initial divorce hearing and made her an offer. It's a brief second marriage (<4 years) so most of my pre-marital assets aren't on the table. I have been living on my own while paying for her to stay in my house (I bought it and paid all the expenses). She using her only leverage - a cottage that has been in my family for 17 years (and where my deceased daughter grew up at and loved) has become her major way to get at me. Her name is on the deed (biggest mistake I made) so I have to "buy her out of it", even though I put the down payment on it and paid all of the expenses for it for the four years we owned it (I bought it back from my ex-wife, who I initially co-owned it with, which is why it's been in my family this long). She claimed on her financial affidavit that it is worth $270,000. I bought it for $90,000 three years ago and it was appraised at that time as being worth $100,000.

Now... .my attorney says I have to pay half the cost of a new appraisal. Yes, this is pretty standard stuff, but it just irks me to no end that an appraisal has to be done in the first place. And now I have to pay half of the cost of determining its value just so she can decide whether or not to accept the offer I made to buy her out. Again, I am buying her out, even though I have put all of the money into this.

Meanwhile, she refuses to give me my mail for the last two months that slipped by the forwarding process, she hid or destroyed my personal possessions while in my home... .did all this really nasty mean-spirited stuff.

The end of this marriage is in sight (pre-trial hearing in mid January) but sheesh the stress of knowing you're paying for a cruel, yes disordered, individual to live in your home, run up your bills (my utility bills, which I continue to pay, are up 65% compared to when we lived there together), and make you pay to find out how much you have to pay her... .My lawyer seems to be a guy who doesn't want to make waves and he rarely does anything when he says he is going to do it, so that frustrates me too, but I don't want to switch attorneys when I am so close and he is affordable.

I am no longer to talk about it with friends (they can't do anything about it anyway) so I thought I would come in here and share and hope for some support.

I am a good man - have been professional and held it together throughout this split - but what a price to pay. I am doing all I can to reduce my stress (eating well, walking at least 8 miles a day) and still days like today just really make me come unglued.

The Teacher

[The Teacher]

Hi. I posted a few months ago when I first got forced out of my house by my BPD wife (threatened to file false accusations of domestic violence against me - I was always actually the victim of her verbal and physical abuse). Had my initial divorce hearing and made her an offer. It's a brief second marriage (<4 years) so most of my pre-marital assets aren't on the table. I have been living on my own while paying for her to stay in my house (I bought it and paid all the expenses). She using her only leverage - a cottage that has been in my family for 17 years (and where my deceased daughter grew up at and loved) has become her major way to get at me. Her name is on the deed (biggest mistake I made) so I have to "buy her out of it", even though I put the down payment on it and paid all of the expenses for it for the four years we owned it (I bought it back from my ex-wife, who I initially co-owned it with, which is why it's been in my family this long). She claimed on her financial affidavit that it is worth $270,000. I bought it for $90,000 three years ago and it was appraised at that time as being worth $100,000.

Now... .my attorney says I have to pay half the cost of a new appraisal. Yes, this is pretty standard stuff, but it just irks me to no end that an appraisal has to be done in the first place. And now I have to pay half of the cost of determining its value just so she can decide whether or not to accept the offer I made to buy her out. Again, I am buying her out, even though I have put all of the money into this.

Meanwhile, she refuses to give me my mail for the last two months that slipped by the forwarding process, she hid or destroyed my personal possessions while in my home... .did all this really nasty mean-spirited stuff.

The end of this marriage is in sight (pre-trial hearing in mid January) but sheesh the stress of knowing you're paying for a cruel, yes disordered, individual to live in your home, run up your bills (my utility bills, which I continue to pay, are up 65% compared to when we lived there together), and make you pay to find out how much you have to pay her... .My lawyer seems to be a guy who doesn't want to make waves and he rarely does anything when he says he is going to do it, so that frustrates me too, but I don't want to switch attorneys when I am so close and he is affordable.

I am no longer to talk about it with friends (they can't do anything about it anyway) so I thought I would come in here and share and hope for some support.

I am a good man - have been professional and held it together throughout this split - but what a price to pay. I am doing all I can to reduce my stress (eating well, walking at least 8 miles a day) and still days like today just really make me come unglued.

The Teacher

[Butch13]

I feel for you! I'm nowhere near in the same boat as you are but just the same, it certainly wreaks havoc, doesn't it? It doesn't sound like you have much leverage either, in terms of documenting her antics. I am fortunate in that I have a lot of correspondence in which she wrote the exact opposite of what she's saying now. Additionally, she's misbehaved online, accessing people's private information through her computer access at work (mine, her ex's, my family & friends). 

Now she's just trying to get out of this marriage as fast as she can with as much $ as she can, much the same way she did in her first marriage. She's been able to finance a pretty decent lifestyle thanks to her first husband; I'm guessing she's hoping to get some mileage out of the proceeds from #2 - at least until she gets her hooks into #3.

As you, I'm a good guy (independently verified, but I've also got scores of emails from her that say so!) Exercise, sleep and nutrition are key - I'm barely getting 1/3 these days, but I think I'm starting to turn it around. I'm finally getting over my fear of the emotional harm that she can do and hoping to work through the divorce and come out not too far behind. In the meantime, I have to work on myself.

Good luck to you!

[whirlpoollife]

 My sympathy to you on your daughter.
Who picks the appraiser? Your attorney or hers? My first L was going to choose one from my xh's L 's list of appraisers and I pay half.  My next L said for me to pay in full for the appraisal and choose our own appraiser. ( years later xh got his own appraiser and the value came in just above mine.  I had to get a reappraisal to get the current value)  So the price used for splitting was the middle of the difference. The appraisal can be less than an asking sale price of the house.

Does she have any retirement accounts? I ask because if she does you are entitled to  part of that.  Anything made in the last fours years is yours too. A deal can be made that you won't touch those assets if she doesn't touch the house.
My xh went full 100% want it all , force at me, in order to get a 'compromise'. 

And my xh ran up the utilities intentionally while we lived together , after my filing for divorce, because they were in my name and he wasn't paying anything.

[Moselle]

Teacher, sorry to hear about your stress and pain.

Much if what you describe reflects my own painful experience so I can empathise in a very real way.

I recognise the pain. I recognise the crazy (Mine filed 5 DV's all defeated or withdrawn)

What support do you have going through this? Friends, family, counsellor?

You've come to the right place. We understand.

 

[ForeverDad]

I believe you may still have a right to consult with a more proactive lawyer.  It seems these days lawyer are taught to first try settlements.  However, negotiations with someone unwilling to negotiate will generally start by being impossible.  However, many here did reach settlements but usually only just before a big hearing or trial.  My mediation and prior settlement conferences failed but we did reach settlement minutes before my trial was to start.

If you have a lawyer unprepared or inexperienced for the prospect of a trial then that may leave you at a disadvantage to her demands and brinkmanship.

[The Teacher]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and your support.

In terms of my support network, my family and adult children have been there for me, as have a couple of longtime friends. This web site helps, too.

You know, it's hard enough dealing with the antics of a BPD partner, but to pay an attorneys and have him treat me like I am bothering him... .I put up with bullying for years from my wife... .I just can't handle it from someone I am paying to advocate for me. I didn't want the added stress and have decided to fire him. It took some searching, but I found an attorney with very positive reviews and have a meeting scheduled with her right after the first of the year.

In terms of rest, exercise, health... .all is well there, thanks. I've lost 60 pounds since June and am back to pre-marital weight. I'm going on two straight months of 15,000 steps a day, I eat much healthier, and my colleagues and my employer have been super supportive and understanding. My employer even gave me a free efficiency apartment to live in. I've been here for three months now and it has made all the difference. The first five weeks after leaving my home I was on various couches of friends, or renting a room in a house... .that was depressing.

In terms of retirement accounts, I've put in 38K since the marriage started, and she put in 5K. I offered her to keep her 5K and take an additional 18K - an equitable division. The appraisal thing is just getting dragged out for no good reason. I'm pretty sure I've figured out how she came up with an inflated valuation for the value of the cottage. On trulia.com, a real estate website, it says that "the average price of homes sold in this zip code in the last 30 days was $265,000" and "the average list of price of homes in this zip code is $323,000"... .sheesh... .what a load of crap. There are home ten times the size of my seasonal cottage on ten times the acreage for sale... .of course my cottage is nowhere near such listings in value.

Anyhow, I am hanging in there. I appreciate all of your helpful advice and kind words.

[livednlearned]

Hi Teach,

Your lawyer sounds like a dud! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else.

What are the plans to have her leave the cottage? As part of the appraisal and buy out process, you may want to have a stipulation that the place must be in the same condition as when it was appraised. Take pictures, etc. Then, she has to move out x number of days before she receives funds, deed transferred etc, and that the place must be in the same condition as it was during the appraisal.

A really good lawyer will help you think of loopholes and how to get her to agree to things that give you leverage in court. If your lawyer isn't creative, then think here with us and we'll help you. We have some experience with this kinda thing 

If she drags this out (she will), you want to be sure that if you end up in court, the consequences for unreasonable behavior is already in the agreement, so that your judge doesn't give her two and three bites of the apple. A judge will (hopefully) look at the agreement, see that she has deviated, and then impose consequences that she also signed off on.

Think three steps ahead and be super uptight in any court document you propose or have her sign.

Also, you're paying her utility bills while she is there. Is that because you expect her to move out and you don't want disruption in service?

Can you set something up where the cost of her utilities comes out of the buy out price?

[The Teacher]

Hi Teach,

Your lawyer sounds like a dud! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else.

What are the plans to have her leave the cottage? As part of the appraisal and buy out process, you may want to have a stipulation that the place must be in the same condition as when it was appraised. Take pictures, etc. Then, she has to move out x number of days before she receives funds, deed transferred etc, and that the place must be in the same condition as it was during the appraisal. 

Also, you're paying her utility bills while she is there. Is that because you expect her to move out and you don't want disruption in service?

Can you set something up where the cost of her utilities comes out of the buy out price?

Thank you. Great ideas. Wish my lawyer had been more proactive and specific.

The cottage is a seasonal cottage in Maine that has been in my family since 2000 (she is living in my home in Ohio, not in the cottage). The home I own outright - bought it before the marriage. I left it because of the risks associated with threats she made, inability to get any sleep, etc. The cottage - I awarded it to my ex-wife in my divorce in 2007. We (my BPD wife) bought it from her in 2014. I say "we" because both our names are on the mortgage and deed, but I have paid all of the expenses (down payment, mortgage, insurance, taxes, repairs, utilities, etc). I needed my wife's income to qualify for the loan, but when I asked her last year to invest equally in the cottage (to pay down the 75K mortgage), she refused. We spent three summers at the cottage in our four-year marriage. For her, it is OUR cottage. It is emotional and financial bargaining power for her, too, because I insist on keeping the cottage in my family. My daughters grew up going to this cottage. It is the only home in the country where we have shared memories of my deceased daughter (she died at age 24 in Feb 2016). It took my wife some time, but she has agreed to take her name off the mortgage and deed, but there's a price... .that is why she presented an inflated valuation and insisted on an appraisal. I'm not worried about the result of the appraisal - I valued it at 100K (what it was appraised for in 2014 when I purchased it) and I don't sense that it is worth much more than that. It's really the timing - asking for an appraisal in winter in Maine, delaying the process by making me send her lawyer my keys (she has keys), etc. Access to the cottage can be an issue in Maine winter time. It's a lakeside cottage off gravel roads that are not plowed year round... .

Here are the financials. We bought it for 90K, I made a down payment of 15K, and we took out a 75K mortgage. For my offer, I valued it at 100K, and I owe 67K on it (33K in equity). After my downpayment of 15K is subtracted, there's 18K in equity in the cottage. My total costs have been 50K to date. So... .I offered her 10K to remove her name from the deed and mortgage. Remember, she's incurred no real expense for the cottage. She bought some furniture, and I asked to retain it rather than have to replace it. She came back saying that the cottage is worth 270K and asked for an appraisal. I agreed and paid for half of the appraisal. It's tough paying a fee that may impact how much I pay my spouse for this (hey, let me put my face a little closer to your fist), but what to do... .

In terms of utilities at my house, I offered to continue paying them because at first she was going after my house as well as the cottage. I'm keeping records of how utilities have increased (I even have an excel graph - very dramatic when you see it in graphical form). She filed a motion two months ago for temporary spousal support, and during our hearing in November, lawyers went into a room while I sat in the hallway and came out with a one page document for me to sign saying I would continue to pay the mortgage and utilities as before. In hindsight, given what people are saying here, I would have made my lawyer change that, but heck - he is my advocate. I think he is risk averse and just wants to keep things moving and not fight over things. That is why I am replacing him. In addition to the stress of the divorce and my first holidays without my daughter, I have an attorney who vocally groans at my phone calls, seems bother by my requests, etc. It's just not right. I tolerated bullying in my marriage. I can't tolerate his any longer. Anyway, he had said I should get some credit for these costs I am paying, and I will take that up with my new lawyer in January. I just have to wait patiently the next few weeks before I sign on with a new attorney. I reached out to her only moments before she was headed out the door for a two week vacation.

Thanks again

The Teacher

[Sunfl0wer]

I wonder if it would be possible or helpful to cease any real negotiations on any division and focus first on the cottage.  (Maybe not tell her this, maybe actually lead her on with the other stuff she toys with, but in your actual behavior be unmoved in any regard until you buy her out, maybe to independently fix buying her out FIRST, until it actually is in enforceable legal writing.) I worry that with the expectation of pwBPD person going through the divorce process, well, she may feel entitled, "need" a place to put more revenge, etc.  Well, maybe you are more willing to allow that emotional bargaining to happen with all other assets and separate this ONE asset somehow?, to untie it from the rest? 

(Idk, I am just making it up and have no experience at all diving assets so just applying what I learned when trying to create PP with my ex's ex.)

[The Teacher]

Thank you to all who have replied. Here is my update.

After doing an extensive research of reviewed attorneys and meeting with one who impressed me not only with her knowledge of the law, but her willingness to advocate for me, I fired my attorney and hired her. Not surprisingly, my attorney replied to my termination letter by contacting me for the first time in three weeks! No surprise there at all. Honestly, the guy has no shame. He did next to nothing for four months to stand up for me, let my inquiries go unanswered for three weeks, then had the gall to tell me that he believed he would have settled the case in the next two weeks, and would be willing me for "substantial work on my case". The guy couldn't even get me my mail! (held hostage for three months now). He never even gave me a written agreement. I don't even know his billing rate, and he's been working for me for five months. Shameless. I've read the state bar association's Code of Professional conduct and his performance has fallen very short.

The good news - my employer extended the apartment they are allowing me to live in for free for as long as it takes.

The Teacher

 

[Moselle]

Well done for taking charge of your life. It's so important to have a good working relationship with your lawyer.

[ForeverDad]

A proactive lawyer with effective strategies is worth every penny.  Muddling his way through the divorce process was not a good strategy for you or your prior lawyer.  Do you have the SPLITTING handbook by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger?  It is essential in high conflict separation and legal cases, including false allegations.

Sadly, she can make whatever claims she wishes on the value of the home or cottage, it's up to you to refute and debunk her claims or demands with the facts.

[The Teacher]

A proactive lawyer with effective strategies is worth every penny.  Muddling his way through the divorce process was not a good strategy for you or your prior lawyer. 

Thank you. I agree. I received a copy of my new attorney's first communication with opposing counsel today. How refreshingly professional. I am filing a complaint with the state bar association against my former attorney. I've read the bar's professional code of conduct and he truly fell far short. It might not amount to much, but if it helps him to rethink how he treats his clients, it'll be worth it.

Do you have the SPLITTING handbook by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger?  It is essential in high conflict separation and legal cases, including false allegations.

I do, and found it helpful, and have used what I could from it. That said... .Eddy & Kreger's advice works better when you have an attorney who is willing to listen to your advice. My attorney's actions were consistent with someone who wanted to do as little work as possible. He wouldn't engage opposing counsel effectively, get the four of us together to discuss a settlement, or advance the discussion in any way.

Sadly, she can make whatever claims she wishes on the value of the home or cottage, it's up to you to refute and debunk her claims or demands with the facts.

Agreed. My new attorney recognized and discussed this immediately with me, letting me know that when it comes to establishing separate property, it all comes down to a matter of tracing - showing how homes/personal property was purchased with funds acquired prior to the marriage, for example. I am in a much stringer negotiating position because of my detailed record-keeping.