Just wanted to say Hi

[Stilltryin]

I'm not really sure where to start.  My wife of 24 years has struggled with anger and resentment issues for as long as I have known her.  We struggled along for many years, but started seeing a marriage counselor off and on about 7 years ago.  Recently, I scheduled a meeting with him by myself and he shared with me that he believed my wife suffers from BPD and recommended that I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I'm not much of a reader, but have started through it and found that I am not alone, and that a lot of folks are going through the same pain and frustration that I am.  Two counselors have suggested to me that divorce may be the only option.  However, it is not.  I knew that she had problems when I married her and took a vow for better or for worse.  It is certainly worse, but I signed on for that.  What I never considered all those years ago were the 5 children that we have now.  They are wonderful kids (ages 14 - 23) but they are suffering for my commitment.  Things have gotten progressively worse, and my wife has pretty much completely shut me out emotionally.  She hates the counselor that we are now seeing, but continues to go, hoping that he will "fix" me.  The fact is that I can learn a lot about being supporting and loving, but when he points out something that I can/should do, she hones in on that like a laser and hears nothing else.  She does not know of the original counselor's opinion that this is BPD and I certainly haven't shared that.  She has agreed to see a psychiatrist and has told me that once he confirms that there is nothing wrong with her, I will have to take responsibility for the way that I treat her.  She continually threatens to divorce me, but I don't think she will follow through because she threatened it in front of the kids and they told her that she would never see them again if she does.  I guess that this leads me to a couple of questions.
- Do I need to talk with the psychiatrist separately and share with him the counselors opinion of BPD or just hope that it doesn't take him another 7 years to figure it out?
- Is there anything that I can do to proactively protect my two minor children in case she actually does file for divorce?  I can't bear the thought of be getting tossed out and leaving the kids alone without being there to defend them.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Stilltryin:   
I'm sorry for what you are going through with your wife.  Would you have wanted to hear about the BPD diagnosis earlier?   

I'm not much of a reader, but have started through it and found that I am not alone,

Many books are available as audio books.  That could be an option for further reading and learning.

Do I need to talk with the psychiatrist separately and share with him the counselors opinion of BPD or just hope that it doesn't take him another 7 years to figure it out?

Is part of the reason for the psychiatrist visit to get a prescription for some meds?  Typically, psychiatrist visits are short, compared to visits with a psychologist.  I'm thinking there is value in having a private discussion and advising the psychiatrist that a therapist thought your wife has BPD. Perhaps you can make a phone call and have a short private discussion with the psychiatrist before the appt. It would be better than mentioning it in a joint session, or waiting for your wife to admit to the diagnosis.  I'm thinking that some people with BPD could hide their true nature, during short visits, for an extended length of time.  It's hard to treat someone, if the truth is hidden.

Best wishes.