Ever experience wanting to change your appearance to win someone back?

[Curiously1]

Where has the self awareness board gone? I can't remember the exact title. No idea if this question truly belongs in this board... feel free to shift... .

This is the kind of question that brings me a lot of shame and embarrassment. Like I should know better and why is this even an issue kind of question.


I honestly don't feel so confident right now.

I recognise that when it's a girl I really like I often feel like I am not good enough . If I am just on my own I generally am not plague with thoughts like oh I am just not good enough. I am normally at peace with myself which is interesting. Anyway...

I am self reflecting on this by the way but still like your thoughts on this

I am already in good shape to be honest but I was working on getting more fit anyway.
I've been reading a lot of books lately too in a range of subjects during my spare time.
Basically I've been working on myself hardcore and I question my motivations sometimes.
Found a job, getting better at cooking, getting better at all sorts of things I wanted to get good at for myself. Sometimes I tell myself yep I'm doing it for me so I feel great - which I do and so I'm going to keep working on my self in all aspects but other times I feel like I am actually secretly doing all of this amazing stuff not only for myself but as a way of impressing the pwBPD I really like. And just people in general I guess.

I've been reflecting and I think that it's a way I want to be noticed and that shes gonna love the new me a lot more. My perfectionist ways rearing an ugly head again.

But is it such a bad thing? Having someone as motivation to be the best you could be?

It's like I tell myself hmm maybe I'll reach out to her next year instead until I have everything completely sorted. Normally I snap out of it and remind myself hey I am doing this for myself and I truly am as well. I'm feeling good that I am doing all these things for myself.


Feeling like I'm not that interesting right now and feeling ashamed at times during low times has been an ongoing issue for me. Similar to a pwBPD I noticed I used to and or still have a tendency to study or do something I know or think a person I like... likes (which I often like as well) to impress them and feel more connected to them. Probably subconsciously as a way of getting love?


having stupid thoughts lately like... when I am my very best she'll most likely forgive when Im doing great and looking great. I know it's lame.

Has anybody ever felt this way?


Holding back and feeling like you wanting to change/transform yourself because you want to impress someone? I am sorry if all of this sounds lame.

I know I just need to to love myself for who I am right now and working on that. Usually I really do and dont have these thoughts. It'sjust one of these days... .and Ive catched that this one is a reoccuring one... even if its not sofrequent anymore its the same insecurity which I hate and wish to eliminate forever one day.

Also it's just not her, this is anybody who I like. I tend to think Im not good enough for them and so must make some more adjustments etc.  . Thats how I really feel even if I know it isnt true. This is what I want to mainly focus on getting better at right now. Feeling worthy and having myself truly convinced that I am enough. Truly feeling that way for someone I really like.

[Curiously1]

Also I asked my T about this cos it really bothers me. She reassured me that it is a good quality of mine. That I can keep changing if I want to since everybody changes and dont have to just be one thing all my life since nobody is etc. That there isn't anything wrong with that and no need with this 'Who am I really?' type questions I ponder about and taking too much of other peoples hobbies/likes/interests etc. To not label myself. That if this is the way I connect to others, by focusing more on their stuff to feel more connected to them that is not bad. That I can do whatever I want. She doesnt see that as anything wrong with how I approach things.

[livednlearned]

Why shame and embarrassment? It's a good, deep question.

Maybe the desire to earn someone's respect or attention or love triggers family of origin/primary caregiver dynamics for you?

When alone, you feel your attention is on the growth of your real self. Perhaps in childhood, you were more or less encouraged to develop qualities of a false self to please others, and the anxiety between the two is the source of tension?

having stupid thoughts lately like... when I am my very best she'll most likely forgive when Im doing great and looking great. I know it's lame.

It doesn't seem lame to notice something about yourself and wonder what it's about.

It is healthy to do things for yourself, and healthy if you secretly want those things to appeal to others, to make you more desirable.

The challenging part, I would think, is if you toss away what is meaningful to you in order to please someone else. Giving up your values, your priorities, what brings you satisfaction.

Did someone in your life make you feel bad for being curious about yourself?

[Curiously1]

Yes asking this brings shame and embarrassment so in a way I know its something important to look at.
I think you are spot on  about it having to do with my FOO.
At least now I recognise that a part of why I do certain things is to please others and I don't like that side of me but it's still there. I am trying to get better at doing something truly for myself more than just for other people. Looking back just felt like most of my life most of the things I have really done was to just be liked and accepted by others.
Now I really try and make sure my intent in doing something mostly do it for myself and I truly enjoy it. Even if putting myself first or thinking about doing something for myself doesnt feel natural.

My father was mostly emotionally absent and wouldn't notice me that much unless to tell me off or buy  me food . I would try to get recognition from him through my art work cos he is also good at drawing or whatever I am doing at the time. He would say 'wow thats good' something like that or 'yeah yeah, good job. ok' but he would always be busy with his eyes elsewherre like watching TV not really engaged so it came off insincere and always felt hurt when I reached out to him in anyway. I also felt resentful of him because he was just never there and never taught me anything except to put me down if he noticed I slipped up or made some mistake while he happened to be walking past.

My mother was overly involved in my life but still on the emotionally unavailable side. It was pretty unhealthy. She has no real hobbies, just chores to do and if she was particuarlly frustrated she would blow up and take it out on me. She would make me feel all sorts of things  by saying things such as 'look at how much I do for you.'... .'You should be greatful' 'Nobody helps me' etc. She would of course teach me stuff, her values everything. I think she wanted a mini me. She picked on mannerisms etc. She cared a lot about image. Also If I did help her out in anyway eventually she would take over whatever it is that we are doing and my self esteem would just drop. For example cooking, she will just end up taking everything over anyway. I would point that out to her like you say nobody helps you but looks like you dont want anybody to help you even if you complain. Of course she denies it and still insists that I help her with whatever it is she wants and becomes nice and encouraging for a second and then take over again and say its ok i can leave. If I made any mistakes both my parents really liked to hone into them a lot more than spending quality time with me. Like their quality time seemed like a chore or felt more time limited because they really looked at the clock at times which I noticed or before say starting a movie they would ask me how long it is (so it did feel like whatever I want to do is not in their best interest) but when it came to lecturing me they seemed a lot more passionate about that and can spend hours on that.

And yes I was made to feel bad if I had a mind of my own or curious or questioned anything or said NO. If I disagreed. If I made a mistake as to yell back out of frustation too or tell them I was upset and give my reasons I would be shamed. I would be locked up in my room for ages. I would be called ungreatful. I was held to the floor by my mum until I would just accept and listen to whatever it is that I needed to learn and just say yes to her. If I disagreed with my father he might just smash something that meant something to me and then give me something new the next day. He might want to drag me out of the house for some petty reason that he couldnt control his temper. I had to comply or else I 'direspected' them as parents. I think I was taught by mum to walk on eggshells since she would tell me to make compromises so much for my fathers temper rather than have him change instead. That I need to care about their health or else they might have a heart attack and die . Oh yeah so my father would replacin my stuff or buying something extra. It was kind of weird after a while I kind of used to it and looked forward to my him breaking something because I knew he would feel guilt or regret later and then by me a bonus whatever to please me.

I noticed growing up that I was the Golden Child despite my relationships with my parents. I equated that to being the best example and the 'best-looking' kid in the family. Like they used to feel great that I was the favourite of most of our extended family and I pretty much made sure to be perfect for them. Like the more others were impressed by me, the more they were complimented and felt great so I'd earn more of their love, attention, recognition that way. How I presented to the world bonded us it felt. They would go on to say so and so noticed this about me and thats good. Mum would like to compare people and point out flaws and I would notice such things too. I think all of this created a false self in a way. I was mostly living for them it seems. I equated my self-worth by others good reactions to my external gains really as a way to be noticed. Im good at knowing what people need from me and then becoming useful for lack of a better word. If I am not doing all of this and figuring out what people want/need from me I felt invisible or nothing to love or look at or not worth spending time with.

[Notwendy]

Hi Curiously-
I don't think it is a problem to work on self improvement if it is intrinsically satisfying. However - if it comes out of that place of " I am not good enough to be loved" or "I am not good enough"- I think you recognize that something is amiss with this- because that feeling is the part of us that gets us in trouble with relationships. It is a part of us that feel inadequate no matter what attributes we have. Feeling shame is also something that causes relationship dysfunction because it can be triggered by others. Yet, the shame is probably from how we grew up- and so we can work on getting rid of that.

I can relate to how you grew up and this feeling. I always felt that I had to do something to be loved. I needed to be perfectly nice all the time, have a perfect figure, make people happy, not argue. Some of the feeling of inadequacy was the result of our culture. My figure was fine, but not like the photoshopped models on magazines, so I didn't feel good enough. The problem though was that, I didn't feel good enough anyway, nor did I feel deserving.

The danger in feeling this way is that- we bring this feeling and the mask of our ideal selves into a relationship, but we are really hoping to find someone who loves us as we are- and doing this doesn't result in that. We tend to attract and be attracted to people who match us in a similar way- someone else who puts on a mask because they don't feel they are good enough either.

I think taking care of ourselves, exercising, pursuing interests are good things to do- as a form of self care. But that is also external work. If what we want is an emotionally healthy relationship- we have to work on the "insides" too. I've heard it said " Be the person you want to meet". While it is a good thing to take care of our appearance- and we want to meet someone we are attracted to- it is a good thing up to a point- but it isn't the whole of who someone is. I think it is important to love ourselves-to not feel ashamed of being ourselves and to truly believe we are "enough"- and to bring those qualities into any relationship. I think we are all capable of achieving this- through counseling of some sort- either in or out of a relationship- and it can help us.

[livednlearned]

It's really tough when you feel conditioned (through FOO) to please others or seek their attention and approval, and then are shamed for wanting to please them or wanting attention. That dynamic is so confusing!

Can you be gentle with yourself when you want to be admired for something, and gentle when you feel shame about wanting that recognition?

It's healthy to want others to admire what we do, who we are.

My family is covertly narcissistic and I struggled a lot with succeeding/achieving. I punished myself for having goals because I thought it meant I was self-centered, which put me between a rock and a hard place.

[Curiously1]

  Notwendy

I do remember that each time I felt I had wronged my exBPDgf I felt a lot of shame. I doubted myself a lot especially when my BPD insisted I was wrong. I needed a lot of reassurance that I was forgiven etc. It was a must for me to say sorry to lessen that shameful feeling.

Perhaps you are right in regards to attracting someone who also has a mask. It's probably why I also feel more ashamed being with a more healthier person. That trauma bond with the BPD. We had similar childhood wounds and in a way that made me feel less bad about myself. In some way I feel less pressure to be perfect because I know how mentally ill my exBPD is but then at the same time her gaslighting and projection really did some damage on me psychologically.

I do feel good about the things I am doing for myself so I will continue pursuing all of these things. I will try not to get trapped into perfectionism though.

I really did want someone to see me who I really was and accept me and love me flaws and all. Thing is, I was attracted to mentally ill people because it felt more safe in a way (I knew they had issues too) and when I felt she accepted me it felt like yeah we could relate in regards to our own wounds and that she loved me anyway. Truly felt like I was healing with her help and of course the idealisation didn't last. Thought I met my 'soulmate.' Healing truly takes place from within and doing that work ourselves you're absolutely right.

[Curiously1]

  livednlearned

It really is difficult. It's so conflicting yes... to want to please and seek their attention and then feel ashamed for doing so at the same time. I can identify it. I feel it. I know what's going on with me for the most part and I suppose it's just a matter of time and getting used to approaching what this means for me a bit differently. Using the knowledge and tools that I have now for myself and when I feel this way not to panic whenever I feel like I am making a mistake in some way or noticing some flawed thinking and getting annoyed that I feel a certain way at the given time.

I will try to be gentle on myself when I am feeling these conflicting feelings.
I will try and remember that it is ok to want to be admired for who I am and what I do as well.

Punishing yourself for having goals and yet wanting to succeed sounds like very conflicting things to do too.
I think that covert abuse is a lot more damaging/worse than overt.

Somewhat relating to your experience I didn't struggle to succeed (at first) however, I had narcissistic best friend who was always upset about me achieving a higher grade etc. Always try to sabotage me and always wished for me to fail everyday and always said it in a joking manner. What I would do is hide or pretend I haven't done my work when he wanted to compare and see what I have done. I knew it would upset him and especially when others were admiring my work... and to please him of course I pretended I wasn't on task to keep the peace and friendship. Eventually I reached a point where I was so psychologically worn out from him constantly wanting me to fail I actually began acting the way he wanted me to and began having issues with being terrified of even trying to do my school work and sabotaged myself in the end. In the end the friend didn't care about me at all and actually was happy to watch me self destruct and not be able to do my best. I managed to finish school though despite the torment. Thank god.