The pain and the fear

[Dayla]

I'm a musician and producer and met a client 4 years ago. She would email from this me to time for advice and eventually asked me to manage her. I initially said no. She contacted me everyday after until I relented. We began working closely together. She is very attractive. However in this business everyone is so I didn't expect anything to happen between us and as a rule I don't sleep with clients. She was married as well. Husband was nonexistent. I was in a bad relationship.

Long story short we became intimate after her showing interest and aggressively pursuing it. The thing is, We fell in love. We have been a secret because of the fact that I am also a minister and our love would be frowned upon.

She became violent and started crazy arguments for no reason and was completely illogical. I stayed with her. It was revealed that she was juggling me and 4 other men outside of her husband. I was so distraught I was searching for why I had to be a pawn in her game. I became aware of BPD through research trying to find ways to communicate with her. She fits all the criteria.

I attempted to leave her after finding out but she begged me to stay with her and not abandon her. I have been there when she has been on the brink of suicide. I have comforted and reassured as best I could. This year we worked on being together. However everyday it's something! Six months ago she filed for divorce and got an apartment. She wanted me to pay for it and all her bills . I did. Things just got worse. Every month since she got her apartment she attacked me at least once a month. I still stayed. She said it was self defense because I intimidated her because she is a rape victim. Ludicrous arguments, constant allegations of impropriety, and physical attacks became norm and I couldn't stop it. We went to counseling and once the counselor pointed out her insecurities she didn't want to go back because he was "taking sides". A few months went by and I begged her to go back to a different counselor we did and she pointed out her insecurities. Needless to say that didn't work out. She is completely jealous of everyone in my life. Because I live in the public eye and am popular makes it worse because a lot of women AND men express interest in me. Our secrecy has probably made that a worse element. She became insanely jealous of my friendship with a guy who is gay. SayIng that the goal of homosexuals is to turn a straight person gay and anyone who shows interest in her man has to go. She created scenarios to try t get me to not be his friend and my stance and refusal to give up YET ANOTHER friend for her brought us to a breaking point. One month ago she attacked me and it got really ugly. I DID NOT HIT HER. I left she told me we needed space but, we have continually communicated and so on. I probably have been a little more clingy. No sex though. A week after our fight a mutual friend of ours (a male who I told her I was uncomfortable with) spent the night. Now suddenly he's there all the time. He says nothing is going on and I am actually inclined to believe him to a degree. I believe he is just waiting out the finalization of her divorce in a few months.

My issue is, I love her. I don't want to lose her. I have endured so much heartache and pain but, I love her still. I swore to her that I would never abandon her. But she is abandoning me. I won't be able to take seeing her with our friend that would be devastating and really I think it's being done to hurt me. I have been in counseling and they say have no contact with her. The problem is, we work together and have many business endeavors together including one with our friend " the replacement" who has been spending the night.

I have noticed that when i am resolute and I don't contact her she finds a reason to contact me and at some point elude to how much she loves me which I believe she does. I have for months been educating myself and trying to get the techniques down. It is difficult because I am a co-dependent rescuer who hadn't previously set healthy boundaries.

If I am around I lose her because she needs time. If I cut business we both lose. Please help me. I am working on myself and my own issues but I flat out love her. What do I do? I feel like I have been hit by a tornado.

Have I gone through all this just to lose?

I just want her back.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 
Dayla

You are in the right place to help you get perspective back as i feel this is the first thing you have lost control of.

If you could emotionally step out of this for a moment and look at it through the eyes of a third party and give yourself objective advice what would you say?

I know that is not easy and it is hypothetical. But it is the beginning of grounding yourself. What does your inner self know, but is hiding from, what is it deluding itself about, and what can it not yet see?

To deal with a BPD relationship, whether we stay or go, we have to strip away delusions , as that is the basis the entrapment that holds us

[Dayla]

Waverider,
I am having a difficult time with giving her space because we have business ventures together. I feel I have been replaced emotionally with a mutual friend. She is currently splitting me black and is cutting people off who I "have manipulated into thinking she is wrong." She is also getting her "story" out there so that I look like the bad guy. The rabbit hole is very deep. How do, I while having to work with her, deal with being split black and become white again? If I cut her off she would lose a lot. I don't want to come off vindictive and frankly I don't want to harm her that way. What boundaries do I set? Do I quit my job? I am so hurt. I have endured much pain. I love her despite all and I just want my best friend and love back.



 I am in therapy and working on self improvement. I love her. I miss her.