trying to divorce and need words of wisdom

[road8warrior]

Anything helps.  We've been separated for over a year,  stuck living in the same house together.  Our fights kept getting worse.  I went to counseling for myself.  During the first session my counselor guaranteed my wife had BPD.  I heard about "stop walking on eggshells". I started to get educated on the disorder and my wife is a textbook example of a BP. Now that I'm drawing clear boundaries in the relationship she is starting to get violent with me,  block me in rooms to try to get me to assault her.  Last night she tried to rip my postal mail out of my hands and I'm the process slipped and fell.  Immediately called someone,  I don't know who,  and asked them to call the cops because i threw her to the ground.  They only filed a report,  no jail time (thank the gods).  That was when realized how serious this is.  I will not step foot into any space she is occupying without witnesses from now on.  I need to see the light.  Please help.  I just want my kids to be OK.  And she uses them against me anytime I won't do her a favor etc. 

[Imoutofideas]

I would say this will not be an easy transition! Witnesses is a good idea! When it comes to the kids unfortunately be prepared for a fight... .write down everything! Keep receipts for everything! It is not uncommon for accusations to start... .there are several tips on divorcing and parenting with the "out of the fog website" just know whatever you do will never be enough... .find a place to exist where you can remove the emotion as much as possible... .when we make decisions based on emotions... .typically it doesn't work out ... .you can't make an irrational person... .act and think... .rationally

[livednlearned]

Hi road8warrior,

Living in the same house while separating must be awful

Where are you living at the moment? How old are the kids?

What's next in your divorce process?

Keep posting. It really does help.

You're not alone out there!

LnL

[ForeverDad]

I recorded with a voice recorder, kept it handy as much as I could.  By the time the worst of the conflict was past, about 8 years!, I had 3 recorders so if one had dead batteries or was full, I had a fall back device.  That was a decade ago, not that many ways to record then.  Today is quite different, there are even pen cams that record and write as well.  However, be very sure not to wave it in her face.  Don't create incidents!  I kept mine in my pocket mostly.

I had years of recordings but only needed a few of them, once for police, once for CPS and once at trial when I was seeking majority time.  That last time the magistrate's order castigated her a half dozen time for 'disparaging' me repeatedly in the presence of our child.  Most of the time professionals didn't want to deal with them.  For me it was a form of insurance (1) that I didn't do anything wrong, that I wasn't the one misbehaving and (2) to help me sleep a less restlessly.  Some here have said you can describe it, if ever needed, as you recording yourself and if it caught her doing or saying anything untoward, well, that was on her head... .

[road8warrior]

Hi road8warrior,

Living in the same house while separating must be awful

Where are you living at the moment? How old are the kids?

What's next in your divorce process?

Keep posting. It really does help.

You're not alone out there!

LnL

currently couch surfing.  Next week I want a residence.  I offered her she could stay but I would quit paying the mortgage,  she's on her own so I can afford to rent somewhere.  Or I stay and she figures out renting but the time is now.  Every time I find some independence and draw boundaries she gets vicious and spiteful and mean andnangry and physical.  Kids are 3 and 5. Next is reading about divorce.  Getting consultations and figuring out what custody will be like.

[livednlearned]

If your name is on the mortgage, and she stays in the house, be careful! If she is in a full dysregulation, she won't be thinking about ramifications of not paying the mortgage, which affects your credit.

It's a good idea to talk to a few lawyers -2 or 3- and tell them your goals. Ask them what strategies they recommend, and what kinds of tactics they propose. You'll get a sense of how things are done where you live, and start to see how different lawyers approach your specific case. Consultations can run between $100 or so an hour up to $500 and maybe beyond, depending on where you live.

Having a good lawyer is really important! You can lose a lot of ground with an incompetent or unprofessional lawyer.

How regularly do you see the kids?

Be really careful about being near her without a third-party witness (ideally, not a family member) or without a recording device. In some states, you can record without consent -- it's good to check into that (Google two-party consent laws). Some members, even if they live in a two-party consent state, will record just to elicit good behavior. Another member here points the recorder toward himself and describes what he's doing, which is apparently legal in his state (he recovered from a false DV allegation).

And read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. It's required reading around here 

[ForeverDad]

Try saying to the judge, "I told my stbEx that if she stayed in the house she would have to pay the bills but she won't agree."  That likely won't work with a judge and especially if your income is higher than hers.  It may be logical but that's not how domestic court works for most of us.

It is good that you recognize that you can't support two payments.  That will give you incentive to find strategies that will limit your exposure to lousy orders (for you) and enabling orders (for her).

If she can't afford the house on her own (her income and any potential child support) then one major goal (refrain) you need is to always point out the need to sell the house at every major hearing.  (Often the parents feel emotionally tied to a house when one or both can't afford to keep it for very long.  Face it, in many cases the kids don't get to stay in the original house or apartment anyway.  Accept that 'home' is where the family is, not where the house is.)

However, the reality is that courts often don't order a house to be sold until late in the divorce process.  If the parent who stays earns less, likely the parent who moves out, especially if of the male gender, will be ordered to pay a significant portion of the interim bills.

I recall my Ex had a favorable temp order, two of them actually.  From separation to divorce filing was nearly 6 months.  From divorce filing to final decree was nearly two years.  She had every incentive to keep the temp order in place as long as she could.

[SamwizeGamgee]

You're in the triage "stop the bleeding" phase, it sounds to me.
Foremost, protect yourself, legally and physically.  Carrying a concealed recorder running anytime you are around her is a great idea.  It's not necessarily the 5 minute fight you need recorded.  It's the five hours of silence and you not provoking her that makes a point.  Consider putting up security cameras in common areas in the house or outside.  If you feel trouble brewing remain where the cameras capture the view.  Get quality legal advice - not from your friends and not from your wife.  Staying in the house might be your only best option for remaining relevant in a custody hearing later.  If you move out now, you tell the courts you don't need the kids, and can afford to pay for the wife's house.  Status quo speaks loudly.  If she gets reasonable legal advice, she can craft it to where you get ordered to stay away from her, the house, the kids - and meanwhile pay for it all.  Prepare for the worst.  Put yourself in the position of the stories in Splitting, and come up with a plan.
So, get safe, then get healthy, then decide what's next.
Good luck