Help with a breakup from a BPD male

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I've always thought I'd been in control of my feelings and relationships, even though had my occasional ups and downs of course but to be honest never properly felt in love in a proper relationship.

I dated a guy briefly a year ago and it broke my heart. I'd never had feelings like it, until I dared say something that upset him, which was pretty much everything I said after 2 weeks.  It didn't take me long to work out he was prototypical BPD and so I resisted and went NC.  A year of heartfelt messages from him, which took all my strength not to reply to.  Until... .I suffered a particular low point in my life and stupidly replied.  Just hi etc.  Thinking I was in control and not realising it's like smoking just that 1 cigarette and thinking you won't get addicted, well he managed to somehow without my even realising it hook me back in gradually. That was until he had me, hook, line and sinker and within 2 days of being together I found (he left open on my computer - on purpose or not I don't know) emails to a load of other girls, that he was writing exactly the same stuff to as to me, even when he was on his journey to me.  I love you, I can't bare being without you, you're the love of my life, etc etc.  It was obvious from their responses that he did the same to them i.e. "you are sweet and kind, capture me, then break me, I can't do this anymore" .  You get the picture.  He had been telling me that I was the only girl ever and he wanted to marry me and have my baby etc etc.

So even though he had flown across the world just to be with me for the week and had no money, I freaked out thinking what kind of psychopath do I have in my house and I got scared.  So I booked the ___tiest hotel I could find, ordered him a cab and packed his bag before telling him to f off out of my life and why.

Then the pain sets in of broken dreams. To cut a long story short, I've sat here this evening writing a pros and cons list about him to try and stop obsessing over him.  I would just like someone to please explain to me that after reading this list below, why oh why does it hurt so damn much.  Why do I feel so in love, like I've never done before and why am I still craving for him to come back to me.  I don't understand why I feel so crazy.

I'm honestly not usually like this in relationships.  Nobody has ever got me like this.  I need this obsessing to end and would love it if you could share your enlightenment please without judging.  I know I should have known what I was getting into.  I know.  But he got so deep with me and told me that his behaviour before was all because he was scared of love due to loosing his girlfriend and baby years ago and I'm the only person he's ever connected with since.  Obvious lies now but I feel for it and he seduced me again.  and I felt what if, what if he was the love of my life and I never gave it a go.  But I thought I was more guarded, obviously not.  I never expected to get so heartbroken again.  The worst bit is the broken dreams that we dreamed of doing together endlessly for weeks that never happened and the fact that after I threw him out, he blocked ME! and never apologised or explained or tried to come back.  Nothing.  Is that why It hurts so much? Anyone experienced similar?

Cons
Bullemia
Anxiety
On medication
Borderline Personality Disorder
Compulsive liar
Kidney failure
Liver failure
Rhumetism
Suicide attempts
Broken Back
Sciatica
Hip displacement/disjointed whatever it’s called
Lost first love to death who was carrying his baby
Beaten by father
Watched mother beaten by father
Left on his own from aged 10, working looking after father
Sick mother
Jealous
Possessive
Angry
Moody
Liar
Desperate for a baby
No money
No job
Family of immigrants
A compulsive cheat
Believed sex addict
Seriously over weight
Serious food / eating issues
Controlling and manipulative
Bloody lazy
Full of bull ___
Doesn’t listen to anything I say, just talks about himself
Makes me feel constantly on edge
Quite scary at times
Very demanding of attention
Not considerate to my needs
Makes digs and puts me down

PROS
Deep
Passionate
Charming
Good in bed
Lovely voice
Manly
I’ve never felt this way before about anyone

[mushroom]

I've always thought I'd been in control of my feelings and relationships, even though had my occasional ups and downs of course but to be honest never properly felt in love in a proper relationship.

I dated a guy briefly a year ago and it broke my heart. I'd never had feelings like it, until I dared say something that upset him, which was pretty much everything I said after 2 weeks.  It didn't take me long to work out he was prototypical BPD and so I resisted and went NC.  A year of heartfelt messages from him, which took all my strength not to reply to.  Until... .I suffered a particular low point in my life and stupidly replied.  Just hi etc.  Thinking I was in control and not realising it's like smoking just that 1 cigarette and thinking you won't get addicted, well he managed to somehow without my even realising it hook me back in gradually. That was until he had me, hook, line and sinker and within 2 days of being together I found (he left open on my computer - on purpose or not I don't know) emails to a load of other girls, that he was writing exactly the same stuff to as to me, even when he was on his journey to me.  I love you, I can't bare being without you, you're the love of my life, etc etc.  It was obvious from their responses that he did the same to them i.e. "you are sweet and kind, capture me, then break me, I can't do this anymore" .  You get the picture.  He had been telling me that I was the only girl ever and he wanted to marry me and have my baby etc etc.

So even though he had flown across the world just to be with me for the week and had no money, I freaked out thinking what kind of psychopath do I have in my house and I got scared.  So I booked the ___tiest hotel I could find, ordered him a cab and packed his bag before telling him to f off out of my life and why.

Then the pain sets in of broken dreams. To cut a long story short, I've sat here this evening writing a pros and cons list about him to try and stop obsessing over him.  I would just like someone to please explain to me that after reading this list below, why oh why does it hurt so damn much.  Why do I feel so in love, like I've never done before and why am I still craving for him to come back to me.  I don't understand why I feel so crazy.

I'm honestly not usually like this in relationships.  Nobody has ever got me like this.  I need this obsessing to end and would love it if you could share your enlightenment please without judging.  I know I should have known what I was getting into.  I know.  But he got so deep with me and told me that his behaviour before was all because he was scared of love due to loosing his girlfriend and baby years ago and I'm the only person he's ever connected with since.  Obvious lies now but I feel for it and he seduced me again.  and I felt what if, what if he was the love of my life and I never gave it a go.  But I thought I was more guarded, obviously not.  I never expected to get so heartbroken again.  The worst bit is the broken dreams that we dreamed of doing together endlessly for weeks that never happened and the fact that after I threw him out, he blocked ME! and never apologised or explained or tried to come back.  Nothing.  Is that why It hurts so much? Anyone experienced similar?

Cons
Bullemia
Anxiety
On medication
Borderline Personality Disorder
Compulsive liar
Kidney failure
Liver failure
Rhumetism
Suicide attempts
Broken Back
Sciatica
Hip displacement/disjointed whatever it’s called
Lost first love to death who was carrying his baby
Beaten by father
Watched mother beaten by father
Left on his own from aged 10, working looking after father
Sick mother
Jealous
Possessive
Angry
Moody
Liar
Desperate for a baby
No money
No job
Family of immigrants
A compulsive cheat
Believed sex addict
Seriously over weight
Serious food / eating issues
Controlling and manipulative
Bloody lazy
Full of bull ___
Doesn’t listen to anything I say, just talks about himself
Makes me feel constantly on edge
Quite scary at times
Very demanding of attention
Not considerate to my needs
Makes digs and puts me down

PROS
Deep
Passionate
Charming
Good in bed
Lovely voice
Manly
I’ve never felt this way before about anyone

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi mushroom-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you've found us under these circumstances, but the good news is you did find us, we've all been there or are there, and you're not alone, put there's a ton of information here that will likely help.

Your cons list is clearly much longer than your pros list, common around here, yet the obsession lingers; what's that about?  Most of us have faced the same question.

I would just like someone to please explain to me that after reading this list below, why oh why does it hurt so damn much.  Why do I feel so in love, like I've never done before and why am I still craving for him to come back to me.  I don't understand why I feel so crazy.

Nobody has ever got me like this.  I need this obsessing to end and would love it if you could share your enlightenment please without judging.

Hey, no judging here, but notice first you say you're in love and then you say you're obsessing.  It's common to confuse that intensity, that addiction, that obsession, with love, although are they the same thing?  Borderlines, with their need to attach and focus on it, get emotional hooks into our deepest places, because they have to, and once those get pulled out we feel the loss to our core, but what is that?  Where does it come from and why?  Great questions and digging there can result in profound growth, but for now, here's an article that many of us have gotten value from at this stage https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Please read lots, post when you need to, have faith it gets better, and take care of you!

[K.G.]

I could have written the pros and cons list myself (with the exception of a few of the cons - you have quite a long list there). The attention that is given is quite intense at the beginning. For me this drew me in, despite the fact that I had a niggling doubt. It all felt too much and I wondered how someone could fall in love with me so easily (I am not that irresistible!). Anyhow, my point is that the intensity of the relationship gives it a significance. I myself felt amazed at the compatibility and the ease of the first few weeks - something I have never felt before. And this makes me feel as if I am in love with the man who I never really knew. The one thing that I have in my head is that the man never really fell in love with me. He fell in love with the fantasy of a possession who would make him feel wonderful. But when he didn't feel wonderful, well, off he went, leaving me broken-hearted and very confused.

Try to bring into focus the reality of your relationship.

[mushroom]

Thank you for your replies and links which I have read with interest.  My partner was most definitely text book in every way.  And I also had my doubts all along and stupidly thought I was in control of my feelings, but boy these people really capture you - it's like some seduction art which is unique to borderlines.

And yes I know it wasn't love, but also infatuation and fantasy for me too.  They are so convincing, even the second time around! Its also the unanswered questions left as to what happened.  It's so confusing.  Did he leave those emails on my laptop on purpose for me to see?

I sent him an email after I chucked him out saying how upset I was by his behaviour, and please could he just be a man and give me answer as to what he was doing with me, was it money/visa etc and he replied, actually saying 'i'm sorry, I was an ass and I was looking to find myself in you and couldn't'.  That's probably the only truth he's ever told me right?

It's the questions though like, when he saw me and spent time with me was he so disappointed in me (a real ego knocker right) or did my behaviour scare him as in, I had to send him out for a few hours when my kids came back and he saw my phone in the night and it had messages from another guy.  (i wasn't cheating on him) but there's a few things like this that could have led to his behaviour.  Its the questions, I have to accept I will never have the answers but they don't stop going over in your mind, so many things.  Its just a crazy insane experience and I know that if I wasn't look for a temporary escape from my own reality I would never have done it!

[mushroom]

Borderlines, with their need to attach and focus on it, get emotional hooks into our deepest places, because they have to, and once those get pulled out we feel the loss to our core, but what is that?

Wow that is so true, it's an incredible thing to be able to do isn't it.  How to get to someones deepest place.  Then we're left a gaping hole and a whole load of questions.  I don't know about everyone else but my ex was so consuming it's like they constantly message / call you and don't give you a chance to think straight. Anyone else?