adult grandson w/ possible BPD

[A0802]

I posted a message a few minutes ago about my BPD daughter.  After watching a video about breaking the cycle of conflict, I am now concerned about my grandson, my daughter's son.  He lived with her until he was 13 yrs. old and then lived with me.  I think he may have BPD or some other personality disorder.  He is 24 now and still living with me.  He hasn't worked in the past year, and very little before that.  I have been supporting him since he was 13.  He went to college for several years (I paid all his expenses not covered by a government grant) until he failed to maintain grades and credits, when he moved back here.  I don't know what to do with him.  He helps very little around the house, but when he does, he refuses to learn how to do something from me and wants to do it in a way I don't want because it will probably be a poor job or will have to be redone.  Now I have stopped asking for much of his help unless it is a simple task like emptying the trash.  He spends most of his time in his bedroom playing games on the computer or xBox or watching TV.   I obviously need a lot of help dealing with him and my daughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi A0802

I can understand your concern for your grandson, isolating himself in his bedroom is no life for an adult and it's likely he'll continue to until you decide what changes you'd like in your life and make them happen.

What behaviours are you dealing with? Does your grandson share with you his struggles?

WDx

[Shmoopy99]

I have a 19 year old daughter living with us who sounds similar to your grandson.
She is working but always seems to be in danger of losing her two part time jobs.
We have found ways to make her accountable around the house. Since we pay for most of her living expenses, it is easy to dole out a consequence.

For example, we bought her car for us, and she is paying us $200 a month like a car loan with no interest. If she doesn't manage her share of work at home, we take the keys to the car for a day. Or since she only pays a portion of her cell phone bill, we will take the phone from time to time as a consequence. We have some house rules.

This may help. I sent her this email recently, and she agreed to my terms (she didn't have much choice) -

Hi xxx,
I would like to talk to you about this face to face, but I won't be able to do that until tomorrow. If you read through this and email me back to let me know you read it and that you are in agreement, we can skip the talk.

I want to make some expectations clear to you for living at home:

1) You need to maintain 30 or more hours a week of work (not counting vacation or sick time)
You won't be able to afford your expenses if you don't. For weeks you work less, we're going to have to take the truck away on one of your days off.

2) When you have to work early the next morning, you need to come home by 11 PM the night before.
This is so you make sure to keep your jobs and get enough sleep.
.
3) You're expected to help out with chores and keep the house neat
This means doing something we leave on a note for you and not leaving a bunch of dishes

4) You're expected to do your own laundry

5) You're expected to pay your bills

You're doing fine with some of those expectations, and not so much with others. You should realize you have it pretty good living at our house. John and I are not in your business much, and you have a lot of freedom. But you need to be fine with these expectations and live with them or we're going to need to make a change in where you live.
Are we in agreement?

Thanks,
Mom