Extinction burst examples and how you succeeded...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been reading about extinction bursts and not reinforcing bad behavior. One site gave the example of giving a child a candy bar in the market when she starts to cry. If you do that every time the child will learn to cry to get the candy bar. To stop the reinforcement, you stop giving the candy bar. First time the kid cries during the entire shopping. Next time cries part of the time. Next time cries when she sees the candy bar... .by the 6th time or so no more crying.

Have any of you put this into practice? Did it work? I am trying to glean examples to see if I can understand it better and perhaps equate it to my situation and make use of it.

[michel71]

I have been reading about extinction bursts and not reinforcing bad behavior. One site gave the example of giving a child a candy bar in the market when she starts to cry. If you do that every time the child will learn to cry to get the candy bar. To stop the reinforcement, you stop giving the candy bar. First time the kid cries during the entire shopping. Next time cries part of the time. Next time cries when she sees the candy bar... .by the 6th time or so no more crying.

Have any of you put this into practice? Did it work? I am trying to glean examples to see if I can understand it better and perhaps equate it to my situation and make use of it.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Michel71:
The thread below is an example where someone is setting a boundary that will likely have some extinction bursts along the way.  In the example, the member would generally apologize and take the blame, in order to stop a rant.  He has started to hold onto his boundary and not apologize.  (not validating the invalid) Towards the end of the thread, he refuses to apologize and argue.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303058.msg12833036#msg12833036

Have you read the lesson on Extinction Bursts, at the link below?

EXTINCTION BURSTS

Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.

[Notwendy]

My H doesn't like me to go out and do things on my own in a social setting. When the kids were little, he would refuse to watch them, or agree and then back out at the last minute. I became isolated- basically was with the kids all the time. The other mothers were home most of the time, but got together with friends, a church group, or took a class in the evenings once a week.Their husbands seemed to be OK taking their turn with the kids. Mine was not. Some of my friends went on their own to visit family or friends. My H would protest that it wasn't fair.

They are older now, and don't need to be babysat all the time. A counselor encouraged me to go out to 12 step co-dependency groups. I don't think my H liked it, but realized that the counselor said I had to do it. In MC, I was the one with the label- co-dependency. At first I thought it was unfair, but with this label- there was instructions to follow- and I got to leave the house once a week.

We took a trip to visit family. I have some old friends there too. We had gone there before, but I didn't even think of contacting them. My H would have a fit- because these old friends included male friends from childhood. He gets very jealous of them, even though there is nothing going on to be jealous of. Even though we are all married with children and would get together in a group, my H got very agitated.

I went with my kids and another family member. I had such a good time catching up, I lost track of time. When I returned - he was raging, accusing me of ignoring him ,not answering his calls-but there were no calls on my phone. Then he blamed me for some things that had nothing to do with. Then on another trip, the same situation happened ,I contacted my friends, this time my H came along but raged again.

Before working on co-dependency, I would have said forget it- and not tried to see friends again when visiting.  But I had the chance to take this trip without him and stay with family. He would have likely raised some argument about how I shouldn't go. But I was no longer afraid of his anger ( he was not a physical threat). The anger didn't work- because I didn't have the fear. I went. He didn't rage.