Beginning of divorce disaster -how do I play by unseen/unknown/unwritten rules?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I began the process of filing for divorce about two weeks ago.  I have been VERY open and transparent about the entire process with him, telling him everything I know, everything I have said NO to (lawyer's can be really aggressive, and I don't want to be), and I have tried to keep it super simple, calm, smooth, everything out in the open.  He was supposed to go in and review the papers and IF he agreed with it, sign them.

They call him a couple times, unbeknownst to me he doesn't respond.  Then I ask him about it yesterday morning and he tells me HE HAS HIRED A LAWYER!  I feel so slapped, so stabbed in the back, and so on.  And of course he won't discuss it with me.  And I ordered the book two weeks ago on high conflict divorce with a BPD but it hasn't shown up yet.

How am I supposed to maneuver through this BS?  I am not the type of person who can put on a front and act like nothing is wrong around our children!  When I hurt, I hurt and it shows.  He on the other hand can hide anything willy nilly, he's a master of it.

The kids are older, only one will even be involved in divorce proceedings. 

Any advice on navigating with an unstable, unhinged, Jekyll and Hyde?  And of course he waits until my last bit of support is gone - the day my brother leaves town (as he had been staying with me).  I can't play games like he does.

[thefarside]

I began the process of filing for divorce about two weeks ago.  I have been VERY open and transparent about the entire process with him, telling him everything I know, everything I have said NO to (lawyer's can be really aggressive, and I don't want to be), and I have tried to keep it super simple, calm, smooth, everything out in the open.  He was supposed to go in and review the papers and IF he agreed with it, sign them.

They call him a couple times, unbeknownst to me he doesn't respond.  Then I ask him about it yesterday morning and he tells me HE HAS HIRED A LAWYER!  I feel so slapped, so stabbed in the back, and so on.  And of course he won't discuss it with me.  And I ordered the book two weeks ago on high conflict divorce with a BPD but it hasn't shown up yet.

How am I supposed to maneuver through this BS?  I am not the type of person who can put on a front and act like nothing is wrong around our children!  When I hurt, I hurt and it shows.  He on the other hand can hide anything willy nilly, he's a master of it.

The kids are older, only one will even be involved in divorce proceedings. 

Any advice on navigating with an unstable, unhinged, Jekyll and Hyde?  And of course he waits until my last bit of support is gone - the day my brother leaves town (as he had been staying with me).  I can't play games like he does.

[flourdust]

Do not bend over backwards to be kind. You shouldn't play games, and you shouldn't engage in dirty tricks, but you need to protect your own interests and not expend your efforts on being generous or accessible. You will not earn any points or goodwill in doing this.

Document everything you can and get anything he agrees to IN WRITING. Do not count on him to honor agreements or suddenly become stable or rational.

[lovenature]

Probably better you post this on the family law board, more likely they can guide you better.

[joeramabeme]

thefarside

Agreed with lovenature to consider posting on the family board.

One thing though that caught my attention in your post; I have been VERY open and transparent about the entire process with him, telling him everything I know, everything I have said NO to (lawyer's can be really aggressive, and I don't want to be), and I have tried to keep it super simple, calm, smooth, everything out in the open.  

I am no lawyer and only divorced once but to me this is a VERY big no-no.  Remember, divorce means that they are no longer your partner, do not have your back and are no longer your confidant.  Your mindset has to radically change with the circumstances.

Further, pwBPD are fear and shame-based.  Your telling him all this information so openly is a green light that you are weak and easily manipulated.  

Keep posting questions, thoughts and feelings here.  Keep communication with stbxBPh to a minimum.  Here is an acronym for you about how to communicate (BIF): Brief, Informative, Friendly.

Write back anytime . . .

[ForeverDad]

I agree with the responses.  When you are trying to make a marriage succeed, you do share information to preserve love and trust, that is important.  In divorce, a different scenario and a different approach, you share only parenting information and limited other information.  Divorce is a process best kept on a businesslike level, being emotional or overly fair won't help when the other person is dysfunctional, obstructive or even oppositional.

As for the book, is it possible someone intercepted it?  Splitting by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger is available from Amazon (and elsewhere) and delivery should only take a couple days.

It's probably time to protect your privacy and confidentiality.  (Yes, you do not have to submit to interrogations or demands to comply.)  Change your passwords and backup email addresses.  Clear your browser's History after any confidential session.  If your cell phones are on a joint account he can probably see your call history, consider getting a new phone with a different account or provider and do not let him access your phone.  (If he gets access to your computer or phone he could install keyloggers or tracking software.)

We're not saying he will actively try to sabotage you — though he could — but at least don't enable him or sabotage yourself.

It may feel like a betrayal that he sought out a lawyer, but that's normal.  He has a right to protect himself just as much as you have that right.  That you wanted to do it low key is commendable but accept that it won't be possible.  Your divorce may or may not turn out to be high conflict, time will reveal that, but getting local legal advice from a few proactive attorneys should be enlightening and provide you strategies that fit your situation and local processes.  You need more than just any lawyer or the cheapest one.  One who is a form filer or hand holder isn't the one you want.  In your consultations choose one with practical strategies, proactive stance and experience in court, should that become necessary.

[thefarside]

I realize it has been a long time since I first posted this, but this garbage has been tough and I have been dealing with the day to day and nothing extra.

So my book Splitting?  BPD central sent it to an address of mine from 2011 (no idea how that occurred) and they won't respond to any of my emails.  I did get a copy of it from elsewhere.

The hardest thing about divorce in this is having to really alter who I am.  I am an open and honest person, really trying to be authentic and true to myself moment to moment.  Authenticity is of utmost importance as I had to quash so much of my authenticity being married to this person, but I'm learning how to juggle ... .how to still be me yet protect myself, especially in attacks from him via his attorney.  I HATE how BPDs can be nice to your face and act like all is well, but throw sharp tools via an attorney. 

I have one of my area's BEST attorneys and he has extensive mental health background, so he knows BPD.  And my soon to be ex hired an attorney known for high conflict, wasting her client's time and money, and everyone else's time as well.

That is a good acronym -- BIF.

I've already caught him in lies and I have documentation of it.  No BPD can always keep their junk together and I know that.

The toughest part is the personal attacks coming from him via his attorney.  I want to unleash on him but mum's the word.  So I have a baseball bat and I just bought a 12 pack of soda cans and every can I explode will be something he has done to try to hurt me recently.  Maybe I will write what those things are on the cans and as I explode them, I'll send the crap back to him, metaphorically speaking of course.

It's also hard to decide what to fight for in the legal process, and when to cut my losses and walk away.  The stuff I could fight for are personal ... .like he says he doesn't want to provide spousal support because he cannot afford it.  Most absurd thing I've heard as of late as he gross's just over $9k a month right now and that is about to go over $10k a month.  And due to his career AND ME PLAYING A HUGE ROLE IN THAT CAREER and moving every 6 to 23 months for the last 16 years, and being a stay at home mom most of the time, I haven't been able to have a career, so I'm starting off from scratch.  I've also got some health issues that are getting better controlled as the stress decreases (BPDs literally suck the life out of us), but that too prevents full on work, and all 3 kids are living with me... .  OH MY GOSH THERE IS JUST SO MUCH GARBAGE!

I just try to keep things in focus -- I'm the winner because I haven't been living with him for 8 months.  I live in emotional freedom.  I get the bed to myself and my dog all the time, every single night.  My dog loves me like no other.  I have a career door wide open for me right now, it's okay that it will take some time to get rolling.  I'm fine financially.

Why did I have to marry a BPD?  (being facetious) (banging head on desk) 

[ForeverDad]

If he is making that much money, then don't sweat it, he can't avoid the financial consequences of a relatively long 15+ year marriage.  If it is one thing the courts get halfway right, if you have a sharp lawyer, it is the financial division of assets and support.  Generally, alimony can be up to half the length of the marriage, depends on what is typical in your state and area.

So realistically, you can ask for alimony for no less than half the length of the marriage.  (And that may include the time during divorce, after all, you're not divorced until the final decree.  Ask your lawyer.)  You may make a deal to settle for less, or a lump sum, but at least that's a starting point that is not unreasonable.

Hmm, some financial gurus are saying we're heading into years of high inflation or even near financial collapse.  You might want your divorce settlement to award you more now with less later, perhaps better than one set amount for years that would effectively become worth less as the years go by.  It might appeal to him to put it behind him sooner and then you'd have better financial control over your portion.

It appears that the alimony concept is morphing more into a perspective of limited assistance as you transition into post-marriage life.  It's not unreasonable to ask firmly for his support while you get certification or college for a career.  It will help you to become independent and merge back into the work force.  Hint:  Don't meekly and timidly accept a token of support and then work in a supermarket or box store.  It is not at all unreasonable to ask for a couple years of schooling to have a foundation to begin or restart a career.

If he is intent on hiding his wealth, assets and income, you may need to have the court appoint a forensic accountant or Special Master to dig into his financial history and discover what he's hidden.

Are there any minor children?  How is that working currently and what do you want it to be?

[thefarside]

We have actually been married 19 years, it's just 16 in this career.  I figured out what he and his lawyer are trying to do, base his income off tax returns because part of his income is non-taxable, so they don't want to submit his pay statements.  I read last night in Splitting about the kind of lawyer BPDs like, well, he found the negative-advocate attorney.  Her first communications ever with my attorney were inflammatory letters!  THANKFULLY, my attorney knows her well and says when people have to oppose her, they hire him (thank God I had already hired the perfect attorney).

There is nothing he has hidden, I know it all.  He can't hide stupid.  Although he's very intelligent, the broken emotional part always peeks through every single day, multiple times a day, and he can't hide that crap.

We have one minor child.  The current is no schedule but that any visits are with input from her.  It's fine for now.  She has been staying over at his place about once per week starting about 3 weeks ago.  He's using the kids to fill his loneliness, not to spend genuine time with them nor to parent.

My preference was the parent amendment that was drafted but not filed and I still am not to the bottom of why my attorney did not file it ... .but it was that he would have one evening a week and up to 8 hrs every other week end until he goes through anger management classes AND the minor goes through therapy to continue to heal from past wounds from him and learns more coping tools to deal with future stuff from him.  He can only hold it together for so long, any time, any day.

All the kids are just being blinded by his nice exterior right now.  He's a master of appearances.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago I knew a mother who asked for help, her Ex had filed to reduce or end his child support payments.  He was claiming he didn't have income.  She had his tax filings, he drove late airline baggage to the passengers and so his mileage credits reduced his taxable income to zero.  Whether income is taxable or not doesn't matter in child support cases, just plain old income.  I explained the difference to her but lost touch with the family afterward.

[Mika1739]

Don't do things today that you will regret later on.  Get this program CustodyXchange and take notes on everything, put everything important in writing and make sure your writing as though a judge is reading it, get Ourfamilywizard.  Worst thing is you never have to use it but if you do you'll be glad.

You can still care about your ex but care about your future more.  Sorry Hun but your being nieve and if you snap out of it and protect yourself you could lose big.  Love yourself first and at least talk to a lawyer you can afford.  I always had a lawyer but we were never in court, he just provided top notch advice, good luck.