Parent with suspected BPD

[London43]

Hi there. I am 43 and I think that my mother has BPD/narcissistic PD. My adoptive father is also possibly NPD, or at the least, an emotional blackmailer, something he has learnt from his own mother who is an expert at it. I also believe that there is a chance that I have 'inherited' some of these behaviours. I  have been in counselling for a year now to overcome a lifetime of what I now know has been emotional abuse. I presented as a woman with no confidence, very low self esteem, feeling worthless and wondering what the point of me was, and with a history of anxiety, depression and panic attacks. As a teenager and into young adulthood, I undertook risky behaviours such as drinking a lot of alcohol, taking drugs and promiscuity. I also had a thwarted suicide attempt at the age of 20. I have had several mental health crises' where I have literally been unable to function and, other people have told me that they felt my reaction to these life events were totally disproportionate and an 'over reaction'. I have been prescribed anti depressants 4 times in my life between the ages of 21-40. My relationship with my mother has always been difficult and I was adopted aged 6 by my step father after not having seen my biological father since the age of 3 1/2. My mother never had a good word to say about him and the final time I ever saw him was hugely traumatic, whereby he had come to take me to visit him but was told by my mother that I did not want to go, (I was crying hysterically but was already very distressed before he arrived & I now  believe hat my mother caused this on purpose), so, enraged, he left and I never saw him again. It was like a death. He was never mentioned, unless it was to tell me how nasty he had been towards my mother and so I never asked or wanted to see him. I also felt a great deal of shame about him and myself. After a lot of soul searching and the support of my counsellor, i found my father in June of last year. He was delighted to hear from me and asked for my forgiveness for him not having  fought harder for me. He proceeded to tell me that my mother had packed up the house one day whilst he was at work and taken everything, me included, with my step father whom she had been having an affair with, (even though one of her upsets was my biological fathers affair 2 years before I was born). During counselling it was like a fog started to lift and I began to see my truth clearly. I tried putting boundaries in place with my parents (my mother has always been very controlling and demanding) and they, perhaps inevitably, became angry about them and refused to accept them. I was coerced into explaining myself only to have my feelings totally invalidated by both my parents and my eldest adoptive brother who believes that, despite me being a post graduate law student, my counsellor is 'putting ideas' into my head. I am currently not in contact, after my mother responded to my letter which expressed my feelings, telling me that I am not depressed-she would know if I was and she can 'tell' that I'm not-and that my actions have caused her and my adopted father huge upset and distress and, if I am hurt by my not having a relationship with my father then it is (in not so many words), his fault for 'walking out' on me and my own for not going to find him when I was 18. There is a lot of 'stuff' which happened whilst I was growing up-controlling behaviour, screaming & shouting, hitting, snooping in my bedroom for evidence of sexual activity and then loosing the plot when she found it, competitiveness (with herself and also always finding everything I did coming up short against my cousin who was literally the blond haired, blue eyed girl of the fantasy child my mother talked about when she told me that "somewhere I have blond haired, blue eyed daughter who is lovely and well behaved" and my personal favourite of when I asked her if she loved me (I was 16-17 at the time), she answered, after a pause "I love you but I don't like you very much." So. There we are... .thank you for taking the time to read this and any thoughts or advice on dealing with her from now on would be gratefully received.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome London43:
I'm so sorry about your situation, but I'm glad you have joined the family here. 

Personality disorders can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  Most of us have a few traits common to those who have personality disorders.  It is only when  most of the traits are strong and there are a high number of traits, that the label of something like BPD is attached. 

I'm glad you have been in therapy.  Are you doing okay without antidepressants right now?

I asked her if she loved me (I was 16-17 at the time), she answered, after a pause "I love you but I don't like you very much." So. There we are... .

That was a very cruel thing to say.  Sounds like your mother may have  SPLIT   you.

I tried putting boundaries in place with my parents (my mother has always been very controlling and demanding) and they, perhaps inevitably, became angry about them and refused to accept them. I was coerced into explaining myself only to have my feelings totally invalidated by both my parents and my eldest adoptive brother who believes that, despite me being a post graduate law student, my counsellor is 'putting ideas' into my head. I am currently not in contact, after my mother responded to my letter which expressed my feelings, telling me that I am not depressed-she would know if I was and she can 'tell' that I'm not-and that my actions have caused her and my adopted father huge upset and distress

Boundaries are for your benefit and for you to enforce.  The other person doesn't have to like them (most generally won't).  It is best to avoid arguing. 

The link below leads to a discussion about JADE and avoiding circular arguments.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

You can't change anyone else, only the way you interact with and react to others.  There is a lot of helpful information here and opportunities to learn communication skills that can help you.  There are several links to the right of this post.

This is a safe place to share.  We look forward to hearing more about your story.  Check out some of the links and let us know what you think and ask questions.

[London43]

Thank you for your response. I read the article which is very useful in helping me to repond to a letter that was sent to me by my mother in August last year. I have been finding it very difficult to know what to say to her without becoming emotional and slipping into victim mode or sounding harsh and critical. I guess the fact is that she is either in denial of my mental health issues or unable to view my feelings as valid and real. Either way it is very hard to deal with, especially when I have spent my life trying to appease her and my adoptive father, ultimately to my own detriment. I have been off of anti depressants for around 1 1/2 years now and I am OK on the whole but it is slowly starting to dawn on me that I may never be 'better' and that my brain wiring, which I described to my counsellor as being 'all wrong', it what it is. I have to accept that, due to circumstance, I have a mental health problem/condition that may not ever go away and I have to learn to manage it. Realising that makes me feel both relieved and sad at the same time.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey London43:   

I guess the fact is that she is either in denial of my mental health issues or unable to view my feelings as valid and real. Either way it is very hard to deal with, especially when I have spent my life trying to appease her and my adoptive father, ultimately to my own detriment.

Best to focus on yourself, how you can manage your interactions and reactions.  You won't be able to change anyone else.  RADICALLY ACCEPTING   that they won't change and that you need to stop trying, can be liberating.

I have been off of anti depressants for around 1 1/2 years now and I am OK on the whole but it is slowly starting to dawn on me that I may never be 'better' and that my brain wiring, which I described to my counsellor as being 'all wrong', it what it is.

We are all dealt a certain hand.  What matters most is how we play the hand.  Some depressions are situational, but when there is a family history, it is common for many people to have to deal with depression throughout their life.  Age, hormonal changes and some other factors may bring on a bout of depression.  At some point, some people may decide to stay on a particular antidepressant that agrees with them.

There shouldn't be any shame involved.  Some people who can't admit their own mental illness, won't likely recognize it in others or support treatment.  Don't waste your time to convince them or gain their validation, it won't likely happen.

One way to soften things you want to relay to your mom is to present them with "I" statements:

Here is a sample template:

Situation 1:  Enter whatever it may be.  One example would be name calling.
Feeling: I feel ________
When You or When: ______________
Because: ____________________________
Sample Statement:  I feel angry and frustrated when you call me a name, because it only causes harm and doesn't resolve anything.


The tutorials below might be helpful:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message

www.compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements