Smear campaign advice needed asap can't take any more

[upstanding]

I have been divorced for nearly 2 years from a borderline/waif ex wife. We get along fine, have not had raised voices in well over a year & have a 12 year old daughter. Still she is the most frightening person I have ever met. I believed every word she said for about the first 10 years of our marriage while she went on about how mean her family & coworkers were to her on a daily basis. As time went on she also claimed one by one over the years how mean my friends or their wives or girlfriends were to her. Again I believed her. Once she eliminated all my friends from our life she didn't like very gradually & methodically she then moved on to my family and started to cause arguments with them again claiming they were so mean to her. Sometimes she would provoke the arguments, but claim they were mean to her first. That was about the time things started to click in my mind that there was no possible way all these people could have been so mean to her & now in about 14 years of marriage not once did I actually witness any incident where her family, coworkers, my friends or my family actually started an argument. This was her way of eliminating anyone in her life that she did not feel comfortable around or was jealous of, which was also a major problem. We lived in a beautiful home and had a fun life with good jobs, but somehow everyone else's life was better in her mind. I also had started to figure out the never ending triangle of her telling me how horrible her coworkers and family treated her, but then telling her family how horrible her coworkers and myself was to her & again telling her coworkers how mean her family and myself were to her if that makes sense. Her personality revolves around her making up any lie to play the role of a victim in some way shape or form 24/7. She even told a doctor how mean our six year old daughter was to her so believably that the doctor said our daughter needed counseling. I believe she repeats her lies so much she does eventually believe them. The frightening part is that she flutters around almost daily bringing cookies, brownies & little gifts to people & appears abnormally thoughtful, to the point of some people thinking it is weird or overboard. The problem is to those who have not figured her out they think she is a saint. So when it comes to myself absolutely any lie she tells them is completely believable and they wonder how I can be so mean & according to her abusive to such a wonderful person, even though we have not had a raised voice in well over a year or longer and as far as I know have no conflicts. She also lies to her psychologist. The only reason I figured out how badly she was lying about me was with arguments during our divorce where she would repeat the lies. Thank god one of my attorneys told me to record our arguments which is legal in our state and when I asked her what her so called abuse was she said it was " the silent treatment". Also when giving a deposition for the divorce my attorney had her so twisted up in her lies when she was asked about abuse she could not come up with any specifics although she still claimed to be abused. Briefly or marriage came to an end because I found out my wife was having multiple affairs with multiple married State Troopers including her best friends husband. She also works for the State Police as a dispatcher making lies more convincing. She had an entirely secret life away from myself & our daughter. I also figured out this behavior was happening pretty much ever since our daughter was born. Her first marriage ended for exactly the same reasons. I tried giving our marriage a second chance until friends told me about the smear campaign both her & one of the Troopers were using to try and discredit & deflect what they had done. A side note she did not have strong motherly instincts & told our daughter several times that she was the reason she had no fun in life. I am a retired Firefighter who had to leave due to being injured. I am now a Realtor in a small town. I recently was told by a friend that someone who I have never met went into a place I do business & started telling everyone have you heard what poor (my ex ) has been going through with (me) and went on to claim how horrible and abusive I am. She was told these things by her husband who is also a State Police dispatcher & also is someone I never met. I am a fairly well known person in my community and am President of an organization which helps fire victims. She is ruining my livelihood & my reputation, and has been for years. Some of the people she works with are old friends of mine that completely believe her. I get dirty looks on the street from people she has lied to. She has turned some of my old friends who she is friends with their wives & her lies are being repeated at the fire station I worked at. It is 2 years since our divorce was final and it still goes on. To make things worse one of the married Troopers is telling people I am a crazy nutcase so if his wife & others find out he can just claim I am nuts. My ex is so skilled that except for incidents like this current one she knows exactly the right people to lie to that will not compare notes with others. Examples of stunts she has pulled was while we were still married ( during the second chance period ) her mother was very ill & while visiting her 8 hours away she told me that some of her coworkers were going to that location and would give her a ride home, but she told them I refused to go get her while her mother was almost dead, which was a complete lie so she needed her coworkers to come rescue her making me look like the worlds most horrible person to the entire State Police Post. Funny thing is the people that drove to get her she constantly told me he was so mean to her at work & she hated his wife. They were tricked into unnecessarily going to get her because I had abandoned her at her moms deathbed in their minds. (she is ok). Ok running out of space so bottom line is I must put and end to this and confronting her will not work, she will twist it around. People always say "oh those people don't matter". I disagree it affects me financially and hurts my daughter too. The Police post knows very little about what she has done & the only way I feel I can stop it is to go to the post commander, lay the story out & ask for it to be stopped & maybe fear of being exposed will stop her. She has hid the truth from work so far. I can prove the truth. Please help!

[kentavr3]

You have a good detailed description. I could provide mine also, but looks like yours. I'll be short. I was pushed against my friends ( lost 2 close friends), my relatives, my daughter (10 ears old. she pushed her to record conversation with me on cell phone, send exBPDw and posted on Facebook). I went through denied PO against me and my mother (75 years old).I know how this hard time looks like. Also , I'm going through divorce now. First, I would reference you to the book of Bill Eddy "high Conflict people in legal disputes". This book contains a letter to your friends, that you can use. From my experience, I would suggest you to do absolutely nothing. Do not react. This is a good time when your  friends who were real friends will stay with you. None real will leave. No Contact. Stay "under water as submarine" for 6 months +-.  Russians, have a good idiom - "put your dick on everything". relax, smile. Take care of yourself. remember that your are important for your daughter. Do not project your problems on her. Man, just try to relax! Do you care for the rumor that she spreads? If yes, work on your self esteem.

[Pretty Woman]

The best advice anyone ever gave me was when you hear horrible things she is saying, when people TELL you directly, CALMLY say:

"That's really disappointing". Act completely unaffected by it and if people want to talk further just say, "I can't even waste a breath on such nonsense".

I am going to tell you my story, friend. I know your frustration.

I work for a very well-known company and have a high-profile position. I met my ex outside of work but ironically, her sister works WITH me. During all our ups and downs I was painted as a nutjob to my ex's sister who used to be my friend. My ex's sister is her enabler and also a defender.

Now the real unfortunate part of this is for awhile, all I attracted was BPD's. Be it friends, lovers, that is ALL I attracted. I was surrounded by emotionally unstable people. I am well-educated, self-sufficient and career successful, yet I attracted people like the one's I was raised around (my mother is a BPD).

About this time last year I had a falling out with a co-worker who you would say for many years was my closest confidante. She knew about my ex, and knew of her sister threatening me at work (trying to intimidate and control me). So this former friend decides to use the same tactics now that we aren't friends.

Listen, I don't work for some fly by night company. My reputation was being slandered ALL over the place, including inter-office IM, which my "very conservative" boss eventually saw while monitoring another employee on the company's radar.

There are MANY times I wanted to go to my boss and explain everything but it was such DRAMA and when it comes down to it, HR doesn't want to nor care about this BS. In fact, many organizations want no part of this nonsense.

If you are an upstanding person in your community the worst thing you can do is feed into it. Let people talk! I will tell you this... .the more I ignored it, the worse it got for me for awhile. These people tried all they could to make me look terrible and GOD I wanted to tell them off, I wanted to defend myself... .but I knew all that would do is make it worse. They would AMP it up because they knew it was getting to me.

In the end, I got two promotions a hefty raise and they look like petty gossips. In fact, one is in huge trouble with the company and the other left my department.

My ex friend was telling people I left cat piss on her desk.

?

It's hard not to want to defend yourself but c'mon, that's insane! Everyone here thinks she's nuts. A few people actually came to me (and they themselves are all gossips) to tell me of this cat piss accusation and my response was: Don't you think HR would have talked to me if I did that or they thought I did that?

That shut them up real quick. In retrospect, I wish I had said nothing. It really was none of these people's business. Same with the people telling you stuff. You will find a lot of people just like to stir the pot.

Stay away from the pot. Seriously. Don't engage with any of that bs. You will come out smelling like roses.

Keep all your "documented" evidence but don't use it unless you HAVE to. In other words, let them all act like morons. Trust me, the truth will always prevail. Let these people talk. Keep doing your job and doing it well. Trust me on this. If you react or respond all you do is draw attention to yourself that your bosses might have never found out had you not brought it to them in the first place.

People make threats and smear you to scare and intimidate. Don't let them have that power. If you did nothing wrong and you are a good employee let your record carry you.

You have the evidence. Just hold on to it and let them be their own undoing, trust me. I know it is extremely hard but they can't damage your reputation. If people believe what they hear that's THEIR stupidity, not your issue and you know the truth.

Walk with your head up high and ignore, ignore, ignore.

 

[upstanding]

I am really appreciating the comments and advice although I am currently not convinced to just let it slide. It kills me to believe this is what my life has become. I once was one of the most social people I knew and had a ton of friends. Since becoming a dad and especially since the divorce I am mostly a homebody just being a father and not really seeing many people other than a few family members and a few times a year getting together with some old buddies. She works in a building with probably at least 50 or more people who are supposed to be our most honest and dignified citizens work.  Even the person who told me about the most recent incident said he tried to defend me and the person who, like I said I didn't even know and has never met me, would not even consider the possibility that I am not some abusive ass who is constantly tormenting his ex wife. I have an entire State Police force believing her and it is killing me knowing she is getting away with it and they are repeating her stories. I truly have so much proof that her job would likely be in danger. I guess it would actually be easier if I did not have so much proof of both her conduct and her admission that the worst I did to her was the silent treatment. Then there would be nothing I could do but suck it up, which is probably the case with most of the poor souls who are in the same position as you guys and myself. I look forward to hearing more comments not really knowing what I am looking for, but hoping something click one way or the other. It is somewhat healing to even express myself here because it is impossible to explain it to just about anyone. Everyone just says forget about it and blows it off. I am having a real hard time holding back and am afraid any minute I will snap and be at the door of the post commander. What my ex was doing was not just an affair, it was a scandal and she was actually juggling married troopers meeting them on different days sometimes while they were on duty. Her popularity rose dramatically among the officers after she made up a reason to get pissed at me and in her mind had an excuse to have a lesbian night at a casino out of town with a lot of public affection and invited a trooper to go with. He spread the word about what he saw among his cop friends and at least one trooper tried contacting both my wife and the other girl in hopes of a threesome. I expect her reputation among the Troopers is not actually outstanding, but she is so sly she is good friends with their wives so they are mostly concerned with covering their own ass and will go along with her bull___ just so they don't rock the boat or open anything up. OK now I am just venting, but I have a lot of frustrations held inside. Maybe being able to express myself here will help keep me from blowing my cork so thanks to anyone who listens and more to anyone willing to help.

[Pretty Woman]

Right now you are fueled more on your emotions than rationalizing things out. That's normal. Your ex has done terrible things and she sucks.

Go read some of my old posts. My ex was terrible and did a lot of unscrupulous things. She even accused me of raping and beating her.

If you met me you would immediately rule that out and probably laugh at the absurdity. This woman is five times my size and actually dragged me down a flight of stairs by my hair.

She was NOT victimized. Ever. At least not by me!

This was stuff told to my co workers, in my place of business. So I understand completely. If I reacted on my emotions I would have told a lot of people what I really thought of them and their involvement in spreading this stuff, Instead I kept quiet and went about life as usual and you know what?

No one important (like my managers) believe any of it. I know you are embarrassed and pissed off because they are defaming your reputation but really they aren't.

If you let it get to you they win. It only works if they get to you. If your ex is sleeping with all these people, fraternizing with all these troopers, I can guarantee she's going to eventually piss off the wrong guy and her crap will be revealed. She will tick off some lose cannon and her whole world will implode along with theirs.

Don't be the loose cannon.

Let someone else deal with it.  You are way too good for this crap.

Do me a favor... .sleep on the going to your boss. Wait a week and really think about the situation. Keep posting here and keep reading.  

 

[kentavr3]

OH! I was also accused of raping expdw and also beating her. None of these was true of course.
In the court, she said that I demanded sex from her 5 times par day!my attorney looked at me with a sense of respect. Now I understand why female judge denied PO. 
hey listen. you are playing a victim role. This is one of the first stages. But, it is Ok! You need to go through this.
one day , you'll be back on this site and support people too. I'm kind of happy that this crazy woman left me. I can raise my daughter normally.

[Pretty Woman]

Kent, I wouldn't say he's playing the victim role... .he's just very angry and that's understandable.  

I still get angry sometimes but then I take a step back and really think about why I'm angry.  Two years out I don't blame her as much because I could have walked away and I didn't. I dont beat myself up though either. I didn't walk away then but now I'm much stronger and put up with less BS because of the experience.

I understand anger well. It hurts to be painted a monster when you were the complete opposite, and the person with BPD is so convincing because of their innate ability to rewrite history. People do buy into it.  

I just got to a place where I wasn't going to acknowledge this insaneness. I was officially done.  Once I was done playing the BPD game, they all went away.  They had nothing to feed off anymore.  Oh they affected me but by not letting on they look st interest.

I am a very outspoken person. I believe in myself and my convictions so much it's hard to stay quiet when I see an injustice. It was very hard not to walk into HR and lay it all out... .
But I'm glad I didn't. The few that did go to management are all on their shyt list for other stuff, HR never approached me and I'm doing really great at work which actually pisses these people off more, seeing me happy and doing well.

Happiness is what kills them inside. I just keep doing my thing, being me and in return if attracted much more sane people into my life. ❤

[upstanding]

I really appreciate the comments. I am in a hurry right now, but wanted to say that. A handful or a couple people she works with likely know the truth, or at least a rosy painted picture with shades of the truth. Our friends who were told the truth when it all blew up believed me for a while, but she is so skilled she has turned them all against me because I have done nothing, while she carries on with her lies and I have let her get away with it. One of the first things I told myself a while back was that I would not lie or exaggerate what she has done. The things she did to me, her best friend, other wives and our daughter was so bad I don't need to. If I ever get called a liar by one of her believers I want to be able to prove what I say, and not loose all credibility by lying myself. I will keep on reading and keep on thinking. Grrrr it is just so hard... .

[Pretty Woman]

Please keep in mind some of these people will always be on her side strictly because they fall into the enabler category. Those people, don't even bother. They have just as many problems being rescuers etc and trying to "prove" yourself to them will only re-enforce her accusations that you are "crazy" or a "stalker". It's best not to speak to these people at all, really.

Eventually none of this will matter. Trust me. Right now it's fresh and you are obsessing over the stupidity of it all. I know how it goes. You have your stuff together and will triumph. I am 100% confident you will.

You know how they say "ignorance is bliss"? There IS some truth to that. Instead of worrying about what she's saying, try to focus on being the best person YOU can be. Turn your ear away from the rumblings. You are a great example for your daughter. Continue being that stand up guy with a moral compass.

Like I said, there will ALWAYS be people who believe your ex. OR they may not believe her but they take on this whacked out protector role. In many cases these people are just as screwed up as your ex and if your ex IS BPD she is using all of them anyways.
She will screw them over... .eventually.

My ex's BFF is an BPD and just as crazy as she is. The only time she ever contacts this person is when she is securing a new replacement. My ex has no real friends because she has no concept of how to be one. All her FB friends are people she hasn't seen in over 30yrs.  Anyways, to create the illusion to her new person she contacts all these people out of the blue but the rest of the time ignores, even talks poorly about them.

Trust me, any NORMAL HEALTHY person will see through your ex. You have nothing to prove to anyone as you did nothing wrong so why lay out any "facts" when your bosses aren't asking questions? Just keep those handy as your "ace in the hole" IF you need them.

At least that's my theory. I never said anything bad about the people accusing me of stuff at work. I didn't participate in idle office gossip. In fact, I was very nice and complimentary of them... .not directly but if other people brought them up. It actually made them look like complete morons and made me look like this sweet, kind person, which I am  . A bonus but really not what I was trying to do!

When you rise above and they talk all it does is look like they have nothing better to do while you are making things happen with your life.

Go make things happen. Rise above the ick because really that's all this is.

[upstanding]

Thanks again for the comments. I am finding each response interesting and insightful. Just so folks understand we do not work in the same place. She works for the State Police and I am a Retired Firefighter who left due to an injury that could not be fixed and am now a Realtor. My income has been greatly affected by the smear campaign, but my boss wouldn't listen to one minute of her crap if she ever tried. My ex and I actually get along fine and I feel it is mainly because she knows that I have information that would cause her much shame. Her lies are all behind the scenes. Her personality revolves around playing a victim of someone being mean to her almost daily. She has proven no lie is too big. She is so skilled she knows exactly the right people to lie to that won't speak to me, but gets them to believe her roll as a victim, and her claims are so outrageous they are memorable to folks I don't even know, and they spread her stories and do the damage for her. The fact she can be so nice in person while raising havoc behind your back is why she frightens me so much. While having sex with her best friends husband several times a week she continued to go to lunches, movies, hang out with and constantly bring baked goods and small gifts to her. She even invited them to our daughters first communion. I suppose there are lots of people like this in the world, but I have never known any that are this bad and also this sly. I know how she operates since as I said earlier I completely believed her family, coworkers and even my own friends were mean to her. I fell for it hook line and sinker until she started alienating family members then I finally caught on because I knew for a fact they had not done anything to her, and at about the same time I came to realize the problems with her own family were caused by herself and no one else. I feel a slight weight coming off my shoulders expressing myself here, but then again I expect if I hear one more lie I will feel forced to expose her. I appreciate the time you have all taken to respond. I will continue taking it all in.