Going to need help getting through the last leg of this marriage

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife and I are getting a divorce.
I have been off the boards for a while just trying to work out the marriage and it will NEVER work.

At one point a while back I was talking about selling my house and giving her half of everything if we were going to divorce.
I am going to need help here getting through the end of this marriage because I have decided I am not moving out of my house unless it becomes a matter of personal safety.

is it ok for me to stay on this board for now? Or should i move to the detaching board?

I need help figuring out what my obligations are vs what she thinks I owe her.
Last night I told her if she went and got a lawyer good luck because I am not paying a retainer fee for her to get one. She then comes back and tells me that she could get a court order that would make me pay it. I looked it up and It's possible.

She doesnt work. That is a long story as to why not.

This is the last leg of my journey in this. Its gonna be rough.
Thanks
BF

[byfaith]

My wife and I are getting a divorce.
I have been off the boards for a while just trying to work out the marriage and it will NEVER work.

At one point a while back I was talking about selling my house and giving her half of everything if we were going to divorce.
I am going to need help here getting through the end of this marriage because I have decided I am not moving out of my house unless it becomes a matter of personal safety.

is it ok for me to stay on this board for now? Or should i move to the detaching board?

I need help figuring out what my obligations are vs what she thinks I owe her.
Last night I told her if she went and got a lawyer good luck because I am not paying a retainer fee for her to get one. She then comes back and tells me that she could get a court order that would make me pay it. I looked it up and It's possible.

She doesnt work. That is a long story as to why not.

This is the last leg of my journey in this. Its gonna be rough.
Thanks
BF

[Notwendy]

Hi BF,

I know you have worked very hard on your marriage and have made a decision. I don't make the rules of this board, but I think "conflicted" formerly "undecided" is a difficult place to post when one has made a decision- because of the focus. I think each section is designed to support the posters in their certain situations and being undecided is it's own emotional space.

The two sections that come to mind for your situation are "detaching" and "family law". People can arrive at detaching feeling hurt and angry. Many are not in contact with their ex. Some are NC. You are in the situation of staying in the house- I assume with your soon to be ex wife. This is an emotional situation.

The question is - how do you stand firm in your decision- even when emotions are running rampant? Do you need to have some space for yourself to keep a focus? ( this may not mean moving out, but spending some time during the day away, maybe some hotel nights if you need the quiet). Being on a conflicted "undecided" board may not help you to stand firm during these challenges, and you will need to stand firm with your decision during difficult times in order to honor what you want.

I know that you have emotional support and experience in a relationship from several people on this board. One experience I do not have is this one- divorce. This isn't because I was better at saving things than you are, but that our situations are different- every relationship is different. I did not encounter the challenges that you did- the enforced celibacy, intrusive relationship with the grown mentally handicapped son along with the challenges of BPD. You have every right to choose to leave this marriage- and to get support for your decision. I support your right to make this choice- but I don't have experience with walking through it.

The posters you have "met" here can be of emotional support. However, I think the wisdom and experience of ending a relationship and moving on from that are on detaching and legal boards. I would recommend them because I don't know if reading/hearing conflicted points of view will be the best help to support your decision.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BF, You are not alone.  I went through a divorce w/my BPDxW about four years ago.  It might help to view the end of your marriage as short-term pain in exchange for long-term happiness.  I don't miss the drama, believe me.  Let me know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Hey man, I feel for you. Knowing that it is the right thing to do, even though you still feel horrible doing it. Knowing that anything else you could do would be even worse.

I do encourage you to post both on the family law board--and I hope your divorce doesn't become as contentious and drawn out as many there have.

And look at what you see on the detaching board as well. There are many there who are angry and hurt at the betrayal of their ex's, and lashing out at them there. I didn't find that those voices helped me either. You will find some who are going through the split with sadness and regret, trying to find their resolve like you are as well.

[formflier]

I'll make a point to look for you on both boards.

I do think you should post specific legal issues on the legal board.


     

Dude... .my heart breaks for you.  I so know what you want... .

Big picture:  Stop challenging her to do things... .if she threatens to do stuff... .is there any need to respond?

Whatever you can do to lower the temp, will make it easier to get this thing over with.

Again... .  


Back to big picture:

1.  There is the deal you want.
2.  There is a range of things that would be acceptable.
3.  There is a deal you would fight... ."go to the Matt" over.

My hope is that you have clearly looked at all of these options with your attorney.  Do you have an attorney retained on this matter?

Next:  Much of what your stbxw is saying is emotions coming out.  I'm guessing she has not "put a deal" in front of you.

That's going to be up to you.

Get the deal you want.  Put it in front of her.  Ask for her response in writing. 

Ask your attorney if he can facilitate things if she is agreeable but doesn't have an attorney.

Make sure that the attorney is still yours. 

I vote for some interim deal that gets her and her son out of the house.  Pay a couple months rent if you have to.  Do NOT be on lease with her.

If physical safety becomes and issue... .get appropriate restraining orders and get them out. 

Have recorder ready on your phone at all times.

Hang in there!

FF

[Verbena]

I strongly encourage you to get her and her son out of your house as quickly as you can. My ex was here throughout the divorce proceedings and moved out barely a month before the divorce was final.

He pulled every trick in the book prior to his finally leaving and really went off the rails after he left. In hindsight, I would have gotten a restraining order and gotten him out of here a lot faster. We owned our home together (it was paid for) and I bought him out.

I really do feel for you. This won't be easy, but you are doing the right thing. You can't fix this and staying with her will destroy you. I stayed for 34 years and will be in therapy for a long time to deal with the damage he did to me.

[SettingBorders]

I need help figuring out what my obligations are vs what she thinks I owe her.
Last night I told her if she went and got a lawyer good luck because I am not paying a retainer fee for her to get one. She then comes back and tells me that she could get a court order that would make me pay it. I looked it up and It's possible.

Hey byfaith,

I haven't read your other posts and I don't know anything about your situation. First I want to tell you I'm sorry for how it went for you. Not knowing your personal situation I might be wrong, but I think you shouldn't persist too much on constituted obligations, especially if the law tells you wrong.

First, a house wife or a house husband does work for the working spouse, so she or he should have some personal money to spend as they like. I think it's right she can owe you to pay her lawyer. It's money you earned, but she helped you to earn it by doing the housework.

Second, it's for your peace of mind. She will feel less defensive if she sees a way out, if she sees she can have a life after you, if she sees she's not dependent on you. Your generosity can help her help herself and can help you, too. She won't fight as much, everything will be over quicker.

And how do you imagine staying living in the same house as your wife? Maybe you can find an arrangement?

[formflier]

Byfaith,

I strongly encourage you to get her and her son out of your house as quickly as you can. 

Even if this costs you some $$... .such as paying a month or two of rent for her.  You need to "change the facts on the ground".

My understanding is that you have an interest is selling the house that you are in to and moving to another place for a new start.

Is this still what you are still thinking about? 

Two big benefits for my reasoning on getting her and her son out.

1.  Calm in your life in your home.  That home is a place of rest and renewal, NOT a place of conflict and boundary busting.

2.  Financial realities.  You need control of the home to get the best financial outcome possible.  From what I know of your wife, there is zero chance she will be able to get the house fixed up.  If she is around, likelihood of sabotage of your efforts is high.

   

Please be kind to yourself... .keep posting here. 

FF