moving over here from conflicted and deciding boards

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

OK, brief history,

wife has UBPDish behavior, forced celibacy going on 4 years (maybe 4 times in that period), also live with her 32 yr old son who is paranoid Schizophrenic. He is very intrusive in our life. The way she has handled him has been very destructive to our marriage. We have been married a little over 5 years.


We are getting a divorce.
I have been off the boards for a while just trying to work out the marriage and it will NEVER work.

I am going to need help here getting through the end of this marriage because I have decided I am not moving out of my house unless it becomes a matter of personal safety. At one point a while back I was talking about selling my house and giving her half of everything if we were going to divorce.

I need help figuring out what my obligations are vs what she thinks I owe her while we are under the same roof.
Last night she told me she she was getting a lawyer and that I would have to pay the retainer fee. I told her good luck because I am not paying a retainer fee for her to get one. She then tells me that she could get a court order that would make me pay it. I looked it up and It's possible.

This is the last leg of my journey in this. Its gonna be rough. The weird thing is even after all of this I still love her. I am dealing with emotions that don’t equal reality

Thanks
BF

[byfaith]

OK, brief history,

wife has UBPDish behavior, forced celibacy going on 4 years (maybe 4 times in that period), also live with her 32 yr old son who is paranoid Schizophrenic. He is very intrusive in our life. The way she has handled him has been very destructive to our marriage. We have been married a little over 5 years.


We are getting a divorce.
I have been off the boards for a while just trying to work out the marriage and it will NEVER work.

I am going to need help here getting through the end of this marriage because I have decided I am not moving out of my house unless it becomes a matter of personal safety. At one point a while back I was talking about selling my house and giving her half of everything if we were going to divorce.

I need help figuring out what my obligations are vs what she thinks I owe her while we are under the same roof.
Last night she told me she she was getting a lawyer and that I would have to pay the retainer fee. I told her good luck because I am not paying a retainer fee for her to get one. She then tells me that she could get a court order that would make me pay it. I looked it up and It's possible.

This is the last leg of my journey in this. Its gonna be rough. The weird thing is even after all of this I still love her. I am dealing with emotions that don’t equal reality

Thanks
BF

[Pretty Woman]

First, I want to thank you for sharing your story. Second, welcome to the Detachment Boards.
 

You are taking a solid step to regain sanity in your life. I know this is not easy. I was NOT married to my ex and we did not live together. I can only imagine the residuals from being in such intimate proximity to a disordered (and in your case) two disordered individuals.

I am not sure how you set boundaries while residing with this type of individual. We have several seasoned members on this board that were married to their BPD ex and I hope they will respond to this post. I hope Mutt responds as well as Jerry. Those fellas have great insight.

I want you to know, once this person is out of your life you will regain so much! I know it's scary and you still care deeply for her but once you are removed from the toxicity of your current environment you will see things so much clearer. Unfortunately, you have to go through the muck in the now to get there.

I will tell you, this website has been so instrumental in my recovery. Beyond words, friend.

You sound very healthy and understand your conflicted emotions. Know that this is all normal. Even two years out I still have empathy for my ex... .but then I remember how sick I was back then, overweight, unhappy and beat down. I don't miss being called a a-hole or a j-ass. I don't miss being dumped weekly and left for exes.

I know you might have to spend a little money to get out of this but it's worth it. I lost a lot of money in my relationship but now am doing better than ever. My work has improved and I am just a much happier, much more productive person. Love shouldn't hurt (physically or emotionally).

I wish you the best on this journey. If you are anything like me you will learn from this and grow into an even stronger person with healthy boundaries. You will attract happier, healthier people into your life.

 
PW

[Grey Kitty]

  I'm over here on detaching too.

Tell us more about your decision to stay under the same roof with her.

I can tell you that living with her like this will be difficult, and will make it harder for either of you to go forward with your lives separately.

I don't know if you've consulted a lawyer or not, but I could imagine legal reasons to do so.

I can also understand reluctance to take that step--it feels final and difficult. I was spared that choice because my wife and I were temporarily living apart for reasons having nothing to do with our relationship when we decided to split, and at that point, I made it clear that she wasn't welcome moving back as originally scheduled.

What are your reasons?

[byfaith]

my reasons for staying in the house has a few layers

She let me know this past Sunday evening her desire of wanting a divorce. It has been a long process but I had set some boundaries and she just

could not overcome her "dislike" for me because of them. Deep down I wanted the marriage to work and I still do. I cannot live an even close to

normal life with a disordered woman and her schizophrenic son when they are so enmeshed with each other that I am the outsider in my own

house. I am also standing up for myself more. I am tired of making everything easy on everyone else except me. Going on 4 years of the celibate

thing. She also let me know that her "plans" are to move to her friend's home for a while until she gets on her feet. She told me that her friend

accepts her and her son as a total package. So it made it "easier" to decide to stay and I also realize it's my house. If I have to endure some

hardship for a little while I think I can handle it. I can go stay at my daughters for a couple nights here and there. I really am just worn out with

being pushed around mentally and emotionally, called names, told what a hypocrite I am, how bad I have treated her son (which is bull-ony),

how hard it is to get along with me. I am a human being with my flaws BUT I am not letting

someone convince me I am those things. I am staying to prove a point to myself and to get my old self back (with improvements). I am also

staying so I can deal with trying to separate my emotions and feeling from what is really going on. There was a reason inside of me why I got

into this relationship am learning how to deal with the hurt of it ending but I am going to come out better for it.  I feel sorry for her that she

cannot see what she is doing to herself and her son who she says she loves so much but that can't be my problem.

I am pretty much to the place of letting the chips fall where they fall. yes I have consulted a couple of lawyers. I feel ok with what they have told

me. You are right it feels final and difficult. I don't know maybe this sounds like the easy way out but when I heard her say she was done it

made all of this a little easier.

Thanks
BF

[Grey Kitty]

When does your wife "plan" to move out with her son?

Given past behavior, do you expect her to follow through on schedule, or do you think she will delay, change her mind, or something else?