When would I know if it were time to reconcile with BPD MIL?

[TDeer]

So I've posted before about my pwBPD is my mother-in-law.

I was basically walked through the idea that I can only "own what I own" and if this woman does not want to change, then I am not obligated to do anything really.

That said, I should practice detachment and try not to allow her behaviors to provoke me and I should try to get to a place where I don't let it bother me.

I also should try not to retaliate because that just adds fuel to the BPD fire and it comes back to me anyway like a boomerang.

So... .how could I know that it would be appropriate to try again? If ever?

Others have basically told me that she's pretty much just having one long tantrum since I "won" her son away from her (yes, they did also mention that it's from the mental illness and it's sick.) and that's why she won't acknowledge me or is mean.

I can't control her. I shouldn't even try to. I have to ask for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I get that part... .

but unless she gets major psychological treatment I don't see this getting any better, right?

Do people with BPD go through periods of time where they seem normal again or is the turmoil of the personal relationships constant? Do I even want to find out?

My husband is content to never make me see her again. It took a while for me to really believe him since it was tough to believe at all that someone could be that bad I guess and still be his mom. It's that gradual decline of the behavior of the pwBPD I guess?

So will she have permanently split me due to whatever it is she thinks I did to her?

Or will this change at some point?

Is it just unpredictable? (I'm assuming it's this answer?)

Do I care? (I guess I do, but I'm trying to stop caring so much and detach, but it's easier said than done.)


Pretty much I just chalk this up to c'est la vie?



What do I do if there's ever events in the future with a bigger group? Like if my sister-in-law has kids some day in the future and has a baby shower? I'm guessing my mother-in-law pwBPD will likely not be able to organize a big shower herself due to the personality issues? I just want to know what I do in the future about certain events.

However, if it's a smaller babyshower and my MIL pwBPD organizes it, I probably don't want to be invited anyway.

I could even throw my own shower for my sister-in-law and that could be perfectly socially acceptable? Her closest friends already know about her mom with BPD anyway.

I could also just go to another baby shower if her other friends have one or a small one that would likely happen with my husband's friends since both siblings (my husband and my sister-in-law) have a big overlap of friends.

Then again... .a baby would likely incite the pwBPD to rage if they don't get whatever they want since it's a big change and would likely trigger the pwBPDs fear of abandonment?

So... .perhaps no worries about my pwBPD MIL being even able to go to a baby shower because she will likely not be in her right mind anyways and won't be invited to anything.

Sorry for the ramble... .just trying to figure things out.

[P.F.Change]

These are all valid questions, TDeer.

When my father tells me he wants me to reconcile [with him and my mother], what he means is that he wants me to come embrace them and let them pretend we are and have always been a perfectly happy and close-knit family. When I respond to my father that I already feel reconciled, I mean I have forgiven and am not holding any grudges, and that the limited contact we have feels appropriate to me. Reconciliation can mean different things to different people.

So, since I've just about used up my quota of words for the day, maybe for now I will simply ask:

What does "reconciliation" mean to you? What result do you want?

[TDeer]

I suppose I really can't ever have a rational heart-to-heart with this woman since she simply isn't rational.

(Someone explained this to me recently rather well... .doesn't mean I'll understand it well anytime soon.)

So... .I basically just need to work on her behavior.

What kind of consequences are appropriate and effective for a pwBPD?

For example, she sends a Christmas card ignoring the fact that her son has a new wife.

For example, she sends a thank you card to just her son, when in fact her daughter-in-law made sure to send a gift for her mother-in-law pwBPD for Christmas.

For example, my pwBPD still hasn't apologized properly and has not taken real responsibility for the havoc and drama she created and the support she withdrew (monetarily and otherwise) during our wedding.

She still has "split" on me based on me sticking up for myself during her crazy drama.

So ... .moving forward... .what do my husband and I do to apply consequences clearly and strongly when she mistreats him and/or me?

My husband wants to apply the consequence that if we go to her house for dinner and she acts up, then we say thank you and leave.

However, that means that we'd actually be on good enough terms to go see her.

It also means that we'd be on good enough terms for her not to insist that I still owe her an apology for sticking up for myself.

Do I even bother? Is it a consequence for her not to see me? Or is it good in her mind?

What kind of consequences are effective and appropriate for BPD misbehaviors?

[P.F.Change]

So... .I basically just need to work on her behavior.

How? Her behavior is not something you have the power to control.

What kind of consequences are effective and appropriate for BPD misbehaviors?

I think it might be more helpful to frame the question in terms of what are effective ways to take care of yourself and your boundaries. You only have power over yourself. You can choose to act with integrity to protect what you value. You cannot punish your mother-in-law into behaving the way you want her to. This workshop might be a good place to start looking at things in that light: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Let's take the example your husband offered of leaving when she misbehaves during dinner. Here are two ways of looking at that action:
1)She's mistreating me. I will make her experience a negative consequence to her negative behavior so she'll feel bad that she did it, and maybe that'll teach her not to do it again.
2)I value respect, and I am worth respecting. She isn't respecting me right now, so I'm going to take care of myself by going somewhere I can be treated respectfully.

In both cases, the action of leaving is the same; the intent behind it is what's different. The first thought process, at the heart of it, is manipulative and punitive. And it's likely to increase the sense of conflict felt on all sides. The second is self-oriented. You can decide what you will and will not allow in your life. Does that distinction make sense?

I can tell you feel ignored and unappreciated by your MIL. That hurts. You want her to acknowledge that she's mistreated you and apologize. If she has BPD, you know it's not likely that's ever going to happen, TDeer. But you do always have the option of confronting her about the conflicts you've had or the way her behavior makes you feel. Just remember she will have the skill set of someone who has BPD, so she will behave accordingly. I recommend using some of these Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) if you ever do decide to try talking with her. Sometimes I have felt I need to engage in healthy confrontation, if only to express that I have needs and feelings, too; at other times, I find it better to move on without it. It's up to you in each situation.

All of that said, I see that you're wondering if it's even going to be relevant or if she'll give you the cold shoulder forever. Maybe she will; or maybe her mood will change and she'll act as if there was never a problem. It's not predictable. You don't need to sort out every possible contingency ahead of time. That's exhausting because there are so many. But if you take a look at your values and boundaries, and discuss your family values together with your husband, you'll both know what's best to do in any case when the time comes. And not just in your relationship with your MIL, but in other areas of your life as well.