Did they ever come completely clean? More than silence or raging vs the facts?

[Octy]

Alright, so I was wondering if anyone ever experienced an almost intervention in order to try again with their xBPD. Particularly if they lied, cheated, and all together completely slandered you, that the only way you allowed them another chance was with a admission of guilt. Seems improbable beyond doubt, but there is a lot of us on here so Im doing the inquisitive thing.

[sad but wiser]

I think people have tried.  Some have gotten admissions only to get complete denials again in a couple of weeks.  Even denials of the admissions.
  Look, if you have to trap her into the truth, how are you saving anything?  Watch that one turn right back on you. BPD does not respond well to pressure.

[talks to angels]

Octy, good question, but not a cut dry answer. Yes mine while we were together apologized once, but it was a high level apology, you know the Im sorry Im not a good boyfriend, when I asked why he had done something specific i could tell he was getting annoyed so i dropped it, hey i was thinking baby steps right? Since the breakup I received an apology, started like the other ones, this time I tried to get the answers for specifics, i really didnt care if he was annoyed, so the tap dance began. So in short they will apologize but just like sad but wiser, later they will claim they never said that, did that. Plus you have no idea what the truth is.

Ultimately you are asking for honesty from them right? When are they honest ? When they arent talking!

[Duped 1]

Mine would not own her behavior. Almost never and the few apologies I did get were so incredibly shallow and insincere that they meant nothing

[talks to angels]

Duped 1  yes shallow- perfect word for mine's apologies too. Mine was very talented, he was able to intertwine pity for himself into the apology with out actually admitting any fault for anything... .after all everything was my fault

[Octy]

I got a lot of word play. She could put Bill Clinton to shame("I did not have sexual relations with that woman" I don't like asking people what their "excuse" is, rather I'll ask what their "explanation" is for selfish acts. Normally a less defensive answer is given. Not so with BPD. The run around was endless. Still I wonder if let's say all their reasoning for some acts( I cheated because I thought you were) disapated would they ever say they went too far because what was in their head was just chaos? Would acknowledgement ever come if it came at all outside of two people or even three(triangulation member) if their was a smear campaign? I believe the shame of a smear campaign means they've gone too far to the "other" side and can't turn back. Still these boards are my best chance for opinions and possible examples to my questions

[talks to angels]

Octy i actually experienced this, I am sharing in case it helps you. My ex would not let me meet anyone, I was included only 2 times, different people each time. I had 9 different people question me when he was not around why I was with him and they stated they felt bad for me, one person told me literally to run, 4 told me each individually that he was trying to sleep with this one girl and each of them gave me the same name of this girl. When I questioned him, and i did it in a half joking way. He played it off as they are just joking or dont let them get in your head, you know what we have. The second event when the name of that girl came out, and this was someone he was always talking about to me, I questioned him and he got defensive saying that i misunderstood, and when i told him it was 4 different people at different times, he got upset stating that I am really going to believe these people over him. Than the circular argument. You cant win. Let just say that even with evidence on his fb, he would still deny the facts .
So even if others are involved they still will keep changing the story and tap dancing around- it will never be their fault - it will be everyone else

[earlyL]

I am currently going through exactly this as I found out my partner had cheated. She did admit she had feelings for someone else but had not explained that she had fully been with her - I found out by chance. She hasn't apologised and that has been one of the hardest things I have been dealing with, I feel now I am in a place where I understand she won't and have to manage accepting that, but she did break down one night and told me she was sorry for all the pain she was causing, and that she was feeling overwhelmed. I guess this is as much of an apology as I can expect and is up to me to work out if this is enough to gain the trust back. Reading up on BPD has definitely been a good moving forward step for me, I don't know in the future if I can accept all this but for now it feels the right way.

[Weary1402]

This is a message I received this morning after a tough night.
"My anger and rage is going to kill me and I'm Going to take myself out with it especially with my medication. I'm uncontrollable and I can't stop myself how mad I am or get. I have no idea how to stop what I am doing. I try so hard to work on this and when I get discouraged I give up and think it's not worth me changing"

So it's proof they feel bad. But the abuse is just too much. It never stops. I want off this roller coaster ride. Just be carful.

[Duped 1]

Wow Weary mine would never admit to anything like that. EVER

[ynwa]

I have ad attempts at explanation, but like was said shallow. And more directed at herself, as more rationalizing than acceptance.  Usually when she was in the anxiety and sad part of her cycle and never clear.

At best we can't make sense of it, at worst it's just platitudes.

[cbm419]

Alright, so I was wondering if anyone ever experienced an almost intervention in order to try again with their xBPD. Particularly if they lied, cheated, and all together completely slandered you, that the only way you allowed them another chance was with a admission of guilt. Seems improbable beyond doubt, but there is a lot of us on here so Im doing the inquisitive thing.

Several. More than I can count. Mine was a big cheater, self soothed w the attention he got from new people. For me, and my BPD, these relationship interventions never worked. Because his cheating was a hard wired symptom of his BPD.

I had to recognize that an intervention is not a treatment for BPD, even though it may be an effective meditation in a normal relationship.

Also he was very good with honesty. I can hack and recover even deleted data so he knew it was pointless. To be honest I ended up hearing and learning a lot of things about him that were very painful. All about his immensely dysfunctional sexual past and all the gory details of what he was doing with these casual partners. Feel free to peruse my posts, I've written a lot on it.

Yes, we are now broken up. But I'm left with a lot of heavy baggage from all I got to hear and learn. And looking back, even tho the information has been helpful in keeping me broken up (it was really nasty stuff), I'm not sure it's something I needed to know to end the relationship.

I am now realizing it's my own poor self worth and lack of respect, as well as unhealthy white knight syndrome, that kept me coming back to him. These are things I have to work on my own and with a therapist to sort. And leaving the relationship with all this nasty info has definitely made my issues worse and the road to health longer.

Just my 2c.

[Weary1402]

 @duped Yes, she usually feels terrible about what she does to me. Which is a big hook for me. So hard. I notice that she is worse when she is taking pills. Her rage is awful. I know she doesn't want it. If I take care of her and see her often she is fine for longer periods of time. But inevitably, it still comes.