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Author Topic: Therapist told me I may die or end up in jail of I stay in relationship  (Read 1516 times)
kentavr3
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 119


« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2017, 07:58:50 AM »

She filed protection order against me and my 75 years old Mon. Protection order  was denied by female judge. A friend of mine was arrested to the breaking PO. He never did at all.
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LifeIsBeautiful
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« Reply #31 on: January 19, 2017, 07:20:04 AM »

Yes my therapist said a similar thing. To make a choice to stay and risk getting hurt, or go. It sounds so simple now that I am looking back, yes i did leave, but at that time that option just wasn't obvious to me.
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Aiming4Kindness
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« Reply #32 on: January 19, 2017, 02:54:54 PM »

Yes my therapist said a similar thing. To make a choice to stay and risk getting hurt, or go. It sounds so simple now that I am looking back, yes i did leave, but at that time that option just wasn't obvious to me.

Thanks for sharing this.  So few words carry so much support.  :-)   

I'm finding my way out right now.  I'm feeling so much compassion for her, but I'm finally feeling a good amount of compassion for myself as well.  It's such a gift.
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Aiming4Kindness
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« Reply #33 on: January 26, 2017, 01:45:40 AM »

Thanks in advance for continuing to read and reply here.

I recently retained a lawyer to help me navigate my way out of my relationship with my uBPD fiancee.  The lawyer hired an expert witness who specializes in BPD.  I shared the "you're going to end up dead or framed and in jail" thoughts with the expert witness, and she agreed.  That was yesterday afternoon.

Last night, while giving our 9 month old a bath, my fiancee' and I began to get into an argument.  (We made an agreement before our child was born that I would work full time to support our family and she would care for our kiddo.  She has started to book work meetings for herself during my work hours with the expectation that I would come home and watch our daughter.  I told her that it's great that she wants to work, but we need to hire a nanny ASAP as I can't just come home whenever she books a meeting during my working hours and wants me to watch our baby.  She believed that I was being selfish since she's made so many career sacrifices to care for our child.)  Anyway, I told her that I didn't want to argue in front of our baby.  She told me that arguing in front of our child doesn't affect her.

This same argument tends to happen 2-3 times a week.  I get upset about her yelling in front of our kiddo and eventually go to another room in the house, hide in a locked bathroom until she calms down, go for a walk, etc.  As I was washing our baby, I couldn't really leave.  I got so upset that I took a few steps towards her, and told her softly but firmly, "Shut the f*** up.  Shut the f*** up."  She looked at me, picked our child up from the bathtub, and told me that I was "abusing" her.  This marked the second time in three weeks that she accused me of abusing her.  (The first is when I lost all tact and told her that an e-mail she sent me that was full of allegations about how I'm a horrible partner/never there for her was "full of s***" and lies.)

With all of the concerns my therapist and now legal team have expressed about me being framed for abuse, I grabbed my phone, turned on the video camera, put it on her, and said, "This video confirms that you're claiming that I abused you for telling you to shut the f*** up when you would not stop an argument in front of our daughter."  She immediately walked out of the kitchen (where I was giving the bath) and said she was leaving with our daughter.  She didn't leave... .She went and put our kiddo to bed.

I'm feeling completely insane.  It's like I'm messed up in the head from all of the drama from my fiancee, and now I have new fears of abuse allegations from my obviously good-intentioned mental health/legal team.

I suppose I just need to breathe, but if you think I'm going off the rails here, please let me know.

PS: FWIW, the moment described above happened at a time when, earlier in the day, I told her that I had phone meetings at work from 9:30 to 1:30 and would be unavailable during that time.  She texted me around 10:30 and said she needs a loan from me to take a class and that she needs to register right away.  I told her that I needed to hold off on discussing until 1:30.  She then sent a flurry of texts about how I'm never there for her.  I told her that I'd push back my 11:30 meeting by 5 minutes to talk briefly, which led to more texts from her about how I never make time for her when it's important.  I had a feeling that she was going to come to my office, so I left the office and went to the Starbucks down the street.  About 30 minutes later, she sends a text saying, "We're at your office for lunch, but the door is locked.  I'm worried."  SHE KNEW I WAS IN MEETINGS UNTIL 1:30!  I told her I was at Starbucks (big mistake... .I need to learn to ignore/lie better?), and asked her to not come as I was in a conference call.  Of course, she shows up and tells me that she needs to talk immediately because our baby needs to get home to take a nap.

Thanks for reading... .  Felt so good to get this out!
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heartandwhole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #34 on: January 26, 2017, 06:17:04 AM »

Hi Aiming,

I'm glad you have retained a lawyer (although I'm not happy for the reason). I recommend getting as much info. as you can from him/her regarding potential abuse accusations. Sadly, it sometimes happens when emotions escalate. I really hope it won't happen in your case.

Practicing good communication skills can help the situation, especially if your wife is feeling stressed by what she may feel is an impending abandonment.

Have you seen this thread?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=140947.0;all

It will give you some insight in to what others here have experienced. Again, it's not a given. When emotions are high, though, it can be really hard to remember to stay centered.

One step at a time. We're here for you.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
infjEpic
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Relationship status: In a new relationship
Posts: 245


« Reply #35 on: January 26, 2017, 11:28:10 AM »

Thanks in advance for continuing to read and reply here.

I recently retained a lawyer to help me navigate my way out of my relationship with my uBPD fiancee.  The lawyer hired an expert witness who specializes in BPD.  I shared the "you're going to end up dead or framed and in jail" thoughts with the expert witness, and she agreed.  That was yesterday afternoon.

Last night, ... .[snip

Hi,
I've been a lurker on these forums for a while.

I felt compelled to sign up and respond to your post. Suffice to say - Alarm bells are deafening.

You are not going off the rails. You are experiencing temporary insanity. That is what happens to people in BPD relationships.
Not so long ago - I was at exactly the point you are at now psychologically. I believed I was a complete mess.
Truth is, you will recover - but only once you cut contact. That's probably the hardest thing to accept.
Unfortunately, doing the right thing often means doing the hardest thing.

In response to your original question, Yes, a counsellor I was seeing - his final words to me were -
"You need to get away from this woman. I'm warning you, I have seen it before - if she cannot have you, she is going to destroy you"

Ultimately, I did not feel he was helping me in the way I needed - too many platitudes and not enough specifics, so I chose a different counsellor to help me with the recovery process [who is outstanding], but I cannot deny the original counsellor was accurate in his assessment.

By the end of the relationship

- Fake pregnancy claims and threatened suicide in a very convincing manner
- Went to police, accused me of domestic violence (police did little to help me)
- Following day, asked me on FB to take her back 7 times, to which I said No, No, No, No, No, No, No, - to which she replied 'well, it's in my interest to continue pressing charges then, isn't it?' (my previous ex of 9 years and my ex before that of 3 years both wanted to provide character witness on my behalf - the relationship with my xBPDgf lasted 126 days!)
- 2 months after the relationship had ended and 1 month of NC, she was passenger in a car driven at me, at high speed - in a shopping car park (reported to the police, police did little to help me)
- 4 months after the relationship ended and 3 months of NC, she had been stalking me, had painted my replacement black (who she had overlapped with me and contracted an infection), 'accidentally' bumped into me & was now attempting to get me back.
[I didn't even bother to report the stalking to the police - face it, if you're Male, you're not going to be taken seriously ex-ante and possibly even ex-post]
- Just last week she was attempting to smear me on Facebook/Instagram

So yes, I could have ended up in jail, or dead. I was very lucky.

I have a private picture album on Facebook, shared with only very specific friends, which contains screenshots of some of the abuse and threats and so on. This is primarily in case anything does happen me in the future - I can't rule that out.

Now while I would say that my ex seems to have been an outlier with regard to the attempted hit'n'run - She had strong narcissistic and antisocial traits -  but the other stuff is almost part of the BPD template.

There were no children involved, but I would almost certainly expect child sexual abuse allegations to be coming your way.
You need to prepare immediately.
.
.
.


So here is the ugly truth... .unless my ex had accused me of Domestic Violence, there is a high probability I would have stayed in the relationship. The FOG was intense. After that point - it was choose between my family or her, and I chose my family.
In fact, despite everything - I took her back twice, briefly, in secret after the domestic violence allegation, as I bought into her lies and her sob stories about having nowhere to live and staying in a hostel. She was the best manipulator I ever encountered in my life. It was incredible. She built up incredible feelings of toxic guilt and shame in me.
Her family have essentially disowned her, or she them, and her sister didn't seem in the least bit surprised by the suicide threats - she was just like - 'yea, cut contact'.


Even still, after the false allegations, I didn't want to abandon her and tried to remain friends for 1 month, asked her to try DBT. Deep down, I hoped somehow it could return to the sheer bliss of the first 2 months.
It was the exact same pattern every time - 1 day of lucidity espousing love and forgiveness, followed by a day of being blindsided by inexplicable accusations, shaming & a level of nastiness I had never even conceived possible from an enemy, not to mind someone who claims to love you!

All my life - I've been a very sensible/boring and responsible person.
If a friend told me my story as their own, and asked for my advice - I would think they have lost to mind to stay in such a situation... .but to take them back twice! Temporary Insanity!
(In fact, my best friend described it as 'psychological warfare'

But... .honestly - BPD relationships are like Vietnam - unless one has experienced it for themselves, one simply cannot relate or understand. Extricating yourself is the thing you most urgently need to do, while simultaneously feeling like the most repulsive thing you could do.
It was the most traumatic experience of my entire life. To be idolised, then devalued. To think you've met 'the one', then a few months later she's 'the one trying to run you over'. The triangulation, gaslighting, cheating, manipulation, splitting, projection, passive-aggression and explosive rages.

I've only recently gotten to the point of forgiveness.
I have 'de-normalised' all of that which I had 'normalised'. I look back at my temporary insanity (at one stage, she asked me to apologise to the cat for scaring him) and even still, while I accept it, I find it difficult to process that, that is part of my life and my story. It feels surreal.

Right now - you are in the cauldron. It's horrible, because if you thought it was bad until now, it's only going to get a lot worse before it gets better I suspect.

I hope you are able to take the advice to prepare yourself for all possibilities, and get the hell out as fast as possible. Recognise the manipulation for what it is. If they didn't treat you right during the relationship, they are not going to suddenly change their ways. They can't.

I couldn't take the advice. But I felt obliged to warn you, because you're entering into the most psychologically devastating part of the BPD relationship template.

I really hope you will be as lucky as I was.
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Aiming4Kindness
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Posts: 62


« Reply #36 on: January 26, 2017, 10:44:01 PM »

Thanks so much, heartandwhole.

I really appreciated the communication skills reminder and used it this evening to prevent another storm.  Also appreciate the link to the board on abuse allegations.

Thanks tons.
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Aiming4Kindness
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« Reply #37 on: January 26, 2017, 10:47:12 PM »

infjEpic, it sounds like you've been through so much pain, learning, and growth.  Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom with me -- and for shifting from "lurker" to participant!
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