Son in law with possible BPD

[Jcw127]

I am 67 years old and living  in a small Mediterreanean country.

Our daughter who is intellinent but with low self esteen lives inIeland with a partner who has evident BPD and possibliy NPD traits. They have a daughter with a congenital problem  (Hirschsprung Disease) that is now generally resolved as I paid for her surgery in Colombus  Ohio as the condition was not dealt with successfully in Ireland.

My daughter's partner often rages and often  calls us with the most nasty expletives. He expects us to pay for his life style of not working and spending time fising and cycling. He threateved us with physical harm and is now threatening our daughter if we 'harass him'. He often has psychotic incidents when he is totally detached from reality.

We are practically enstranged from our daughter who cannot stand up for her rights as a partner, We are not psychologists, but she is probably co-dependant.

We would like to help even financially but fear enabling  an unrealistic  life style. My daughter and her partner have a strong sense of entitlement... ,they expect the state and their family (my family! ) supporting them. They always have others to blame for their misfortunes and are unrealistcaly optimistic on how rosy their future will be after they overcome their temporary set backs.

Our big fear is our grand-daughter that we have not seen for over 2 years. She is 6 years old.

Do we swollow oyr pride and keep helping financially even if we are treated like dog's s*** stouck to their shoes, or do we stick it out and not provide further financial support?
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Jcw127 Welcome to  bpdfamily 

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with and understand the dilemma you describe in finding a way forward. Threats of physical harm against you are most concerning, despite living in another country, have you taken any advice? I'm not a grandparent, though there are many here dealing with difficult situations with concern for their grandchildren as you'll read on the board, you are not alone.

What to you envision happening if you decided to withdraw financial support?

WDx

[Jcw127]

Difficult to say what could happen if we withdraw financial support.

My biggest nightmare is that my daughter and grand daughter may end up homeless. My daughter is already depressed because of the financial stress. She may even lose her low paid job because in her condition she cannot concentrate on her work.

What is worse her partner shows little signs of recovery. He is completly dysfunctional, often rages and we do not really know what other disruptive behaviour he engages in because we live so far away,

At our age we have low limits of emotional stress that we can take.