Urges to hug

[Maboo]

Hello everyone, been reading this board for a while and decided to join as it seems like a warm place for my mind. 

I’ll give some background about myself - I had a long-distance relationship (cross-atlantic, she is from the US) with a uBPD for a little less than an year. She left me about 3 months ago. It was the craziest (can’t find another word) year in my life. It’s been a while since I felt so… “alive”. I can’t remember such a big war between my mind, my heart and my body. I cried more then I did during all my years of life combined. I lost weight. I was scared. I had out of proportions rages, I injured myself to run away from the non-sense, I had suicidal thoughts. I also had the best sex in my entire life, I never felt so loved by someone (yet so hated), and I never cared about someone so much. I never had such an urge to hug, to kiss and to hold someone. I never felt belong to someone that much, like she just meant to be mine, and I meant to be her’s.

A day after I met her she told me she has PTSD. From the first moment I was doing my best to let her know that things like that won’t make someone like me run away. However, the fact that a few days after we met she had to go back to the US made the honeymoon phase very short and the fights came very early. I can’t find a reason, but I stayed and helped her, many sleepless nights given the time differences. Even when the mind screamed no, my heart would not let me. To cut things short, after a visit of her here, and me visiting her, and countless of texts, Skype calls and letters, it ended. During the visits I was physically abused. After visiting her I decided to see a therapist, which I saw given “I am dating a woman with depression, anxiety and PTSD, and I think I’m developing the same.”. About 10 minutes of me telling him stories, he said that she is very likely to have BPD and sent me to the internet to research a little. I, of course, was absolutely shocked to find out that half the internet dated the woman I am dating. Or maybe she just has BPD. Anyway, a few fights later (never shared with her before the break-up about what my therapist said, although she knew I’m seeing him to treat myself) we broke up. She blocked me on Facebook and everywhere else. Even though it tore my heart I think I am better like this. I remember that shortly after the break up it was the first cease-fire in my mind-heart war in a long time. I just felt my body and mind covering my heart and praising it for how big it can be when it loves someone. But it didn’t stay for long - I am in the most conflicted situation I’ve been in my life.

I can’t help but feel like I’m in a debt I can’t cover. It’s like I invested my heartbeats in the craziest stock, reaching an all-time high, then an all-time low on a daily basis. And yes, I got kicked out of this speculation at the lowest. I didn’t diversify as a good investor, I put 100% of my energy, emotions, love and hopes on her. It felt so empty when she left. And I know it’s the worst thing to depend on, and that I should definitely not derive my energy and self-esteem from such a thing, but I am so desperate to know that she miss me. That she cares even a little. That she is not seeing me as an enemy anymore. It’s like if I knew she miss me, I’d return a little from this investment and sell it forever, covering this huge void. I feel like 90% of my energy goes on thoughts about her, on extreme anger, on longings, on the urges to hug her head close to my heart. This is the hardest, the hugs. Of course, I miss the sex, I miss hearing about what she does, I miss laughing with her, but I also know those things are just drugs I am currently addicted to and will have their down after the high they’ll give me. But the hugs… it’s painful - I NEED it from her, specifically her. I’m in college, I go to the gym, I have social life, I have commitments, and I just can’t do it the way I want, because my energy is so scarce right now, my attention is already taken by diagnosed ADHD, maybe even OCD, so now this? It’s just not fair, I just wanted to love her. I really, genuinely love her. When I accidentally see a picture of her, in a blink of an eye I am hooked back to her eyes, and how much she is beautiful, outside.

I’m sorry if what I wrote here is a mess. English is not my mother-tongue, and I also seem to hardly find a way to put it in order in my own mind.

I’d do my best to help others on this board as well.
Wishing you all a nice weekend,
Maboo 

[Germanic]

Maboo,

I just read your posting.  Like you, I'm new to this website.  I just found "the family" a couple of nights ago and it has already helped me immensely to be able to read other's experiences and understand that we are not alone in these feelings coming out of a BPD relationship.

Also like you, my relationship was trans-Atlantic.  I met my former BPD partner a little over a year ago when he was visiting a friend of mine in the US.  He returned from Germany two months later to the US specifically to visit me and to connect.  I followed him back to Germany a month later and we commenced what I thought at the time was the most incredible relationship of a lifetime.  If I only knew then what I know now, however let me say this, if I had know anything about BPD or that my partner at the time was afflicted with it, I don't think I would have stayed in the relationship for very long.

Apparently, like you, I had some wonderful and incredible times and experiences with my partner and for me, they came at a time in my life when I needed them.   I have to look back and recall all the positives and good things we shared together.  In all, I believe the positives outweigh the negatives.  I can arrive at that conclusion because I now understand that my partner was mentally ill and I was helpless to do anything to cure it.
My partner told me several months into the relationship he is ADHD and on medication.  Like you told your partner about the PTSD, I told him I could be supportive and not let that get in the way of our relationship.  I don't know if he knows he's BPD.  He's so incredibly intelligent I can't hardly think that he does not know.

Your analogy of investing in a stock is quite accurate.  You and I did invest heavily in a stock and rode that investment until the final liquidation.  I know you think it would be comforting to know whether you ex still has any feelings for you now.  I can tell you, I have obsessed at times about that idea as well regarding my ex but I do know when I lay my head on my pillow at night missing my partner I ask myself, "Would I want him here with me now?" and the answer is always "NO."  As much as I miss and would love him company, his hugs, his touch, his laughter, his advice, his smile, I know I can no longer have that from him.

As hard as it is to accept, we must move on.  You are apparently much younger than I and have your whole life ahead of you.  Be glad that you had the good fortune to have experienced that level of affection (I'm hesitant to call it real love) and understand where it came from.  This experience should help you sort through future potential partners as you move through your journey of life and avoid the pitfall of falling victim of another BPD.  I've come this far in my life, consider myself of slightly above average intelligence but until after I ended the relationship with my BPDex exactly a month ago, I had never heard of BPD nor had any experience with anyone with mental illness.

Invest sometime here in this website and I think you'll find information, tools and support to help you move forward and begin to heal your pain from this loss.  For me, I have some mileage and experience from other former relationship breakups which has helped to sustain me as  I recover from this one.  I've never been affected by a breakup quite like this one.  From what I read here, BPD breakups are some of the worst because the good was so incredibly good and closure just doesn't seem to exist.

I feel for you, my friend.  Remember, you go forth much smarter now.  From your posting you appear quite intelligent.  I send you all my care and support.  Hang in there.  I promise you it will get better.  You can and will find someone who can appreciate your qualities.  What your ex feels and does now cannot and should not be your concern.  This was NOT your fault!           

[Maboo]

Thank you for your reply Germanic.

It’s nice to hear about someone else who engaged in trans-Atlantic relationship with a BPD sufferer.

In fact I have this conflict you described every night, the desire to sleep next to her yet the acknowledging of how bad it will be eventually. I can say that I don’t want it. I’m terribly addicted to it, that’s for sure, but I remember the abuse, and I can’t say I miss it.

I agree that going through this kind of relationship in a relatively young age has its clear benefits. I feel like I am now more awake to my codependent nature and to the amount of self-esteem I put in others’ hands, especially a romantic partner. It’s funny because it’s something that I was working on short time before meeting her, and apparently she was one hell of a lesson.

Thanks a lot for your kind words, I hope you grow from it as much as possible as well, and I am sending my care and support. Have a wonderful year

[necchi]

"" half the internet dated the woman I am dating. Or maybe she just has BPD'' Ah! ha! that cracked me up!   You're at the right place. Hope this forum helps you as much as it helped me.

[Moselle]

I feel like I am now more awake to my codependent nature and to the amount of self-esteem I put in others’ hands, especially a romantic partner. It’s funny because it’s something that I was working on short time before meeting her, and apparently she was one hell of a lesson.

Hi Maboo. Welcome to the site. It's a place where you will feel understood as we have all in some way experienced the pain of a BPD relationship.

How did you come to be aware of your codependent traits?

And what do you think the next steps are to move on with your life?

[Maboo]

How did you come to be aware of your codependent traits?

And what do you think the next steps are to move on with your life?

As I mentioned, my mind was aware to the situation, yet it became the "normal reality". I constantly convinced myself that I'm doing it because the benefits outweighed the problems. It's like I was totally aware of being used, being the real caretaker, being the "sane voice", but I had no problem doing it "in the name of love". I felt like this is mine, this is what I chose, this is what I love, and I wouldn't replace it for any price. Just when I was approaching the final break up I started comparing it to my past relationships, and saw some repeating patterns. (although not in the same intensity like with the borderline)

As for the business plan, I am currently seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. I am learning the processes that run inside me which might have led me to this situation, and my thing with being "needed" by my partner. It's not easy or linear to heal now, and the feeling of being "stuck" is really exhausting me. I am very depressed and anxious. I hope it will pay off in the long-term, as I said - investing wisely is the key now, and I should start with myself.

[Moselle]

As for the business plan, I am currently seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. I am learning the processes that run inside me which might have led me to this situation, and my thing with being "needed" by my partner. It's not easy or linear to heal now, and the feeling of being "stuck" is really exhausting me. I am very depressed and anxious. I hope it will pay off in the long-term, as I said - investing wisely is the key now, and I should start with myself.

Well done Maboo. Recovery from this can be a joyful journey. I know that's hard to believe when we're in a painful and dark place, but its true. There are discoveries and understanding which cannot come another way.  

You're on the right track, and that "stuck" place is not fun, having been there myself. Try to work on it a little at a time. The irony is that these things (our issues) were there already, before the Borderline. What it did for me was highlight the stuff I need to work on, and helped me become better.

It really is an opportunity to transform and move on to better things. Have a look at the 5 stages of detachment on the right hand side of the screen. Where so you think you are?

Please keep posting. Your story is valued here

[Maboo]

It really is an opportunity to transform and move on to better things. Have a look at the 5 stages of detachment on the right hand side of the screen. Where so you think you are?

Thanks Moselle.

I believe I am somewhere around stage 3. I feel the deep anger and frustration that drain me when I try to unsuccessfully go to stage 4. I feel that I can't move the energy from my head to my feet. I hope it will end soon. It's like a circle, sometimes I can't focus and do things because I am angry and sad, which leads me to be... .angry and sad. Hey there, chicken and egg. Trying to break out of this circle. Maybe it's a matter of time and I should let go. Still brings me to levels of depression I've never experienced in my life.

[jo19854]

MABOO  I do  understand your pain. Please read my profile and be lucky you are saved from what happened to me. I really know how you might feel and it is hell on earth. But find some peace by reading how crazy it can be, Jo

[Moselle]

I feel the deep anger and frustration that drain me when I try to unsuccessfully go to stage 4. I feel that I can't move the energy from my head to my feet.

Maybe you could start small. For example I enjoy writing articles about my passion. Some paint, some start playing the guitar. The point is to give the brain some creative time in stead of ruminating about what's happened.

What do you thing the sadness and anger is communicating to you? Ie what's the message? I'm learning that I we accept our emotions including anger and sadness, give them airtime and try to understand the message, they pass and we can move onto other emotions. They aren't good or bad. They all have a useful purpose or natural section would have eliminated them centuries ago.

Anger tells me that my rights and boundaries have been breached by someone.

Sadness tells me things need to change

What do they mean for you?

[lovenature]

Hi Maboo

You're writing is fine, and remember that there are times when members are very emotional when posting, what matters is getting it out.

I know how painful it is to want to help your ex. so much, have another hug with her; mine lives across the street and would continuously call and come over and bang on my doors while I tried to end it (my heart won over my head many times). Total NC on my part finally stopped most of her attempts at contact, it is very painful but the best way to detach and heal.
I understand your stock market analogy, it was a feeling I had as well; we invest so much of ourselves in these relationships, to the point of loosing ourselves, that we feel like if only some how it can work out it wasn't all for nothing. Truth is our sanity is more important and we must cut our losses. The gift of a BPD relationship is the wisdom we gain from it, if we learn what we need to fix with ourselves then we can avoid another crazy relationship and have a healthy one.

[Maboo]

What do they mean for you?

It took me a while to think about that. To be fair, right now I appreciate the sadness, as it for some unclear reason gives me (eventually) energy to push myself forward. Anger on the other hand is still very negative in my mind.

I think that the sadness reminds me I'm a healthy human being. My therapist suggested that my anger is a tool my body use to protect itself from the sadness. My only question is why would my body protect itself from something that pushes it forward with something that pulls it backwards.

The gift of a BPD relationship is the wisdom we gain from it, if we learn what we need to fix with ourselves then we can avoid another crazy relationship and have a healthy one.

I agree lovenature.
If this is about to be profitable in the long-run, perhaps it's a good investment after all.