Lately some things have been said by friends that hurt and leave me questioning myself more. I will never know what I triggered in her to make her feel so unsafe. No matter how much affection I showed her, it never made a difference.
As others have said, I would not invest in advice from friends that are not familiar with BPD or other cluster B personality traits. They will simply compare it to their more standard experiences - and why wouldn't they, it is all they know.
Regarding the safety/protection piece; at the core of it all there is a deeply hurt child. This exists BEFORE the relationship starts. Unbeknownst to you, when you became involved with your Xwife, you were seen as the person that could protect her and resolve the fear and hurt of the originating injuries. In some ways, this may actually be true as we all tend to work out the unresolved parts of our lives within relationships with others.
However, she is completely unaware of the hurt and source of fear and is unknowingly reacting to feelings that, while real, are not anchored in the present day. To her, the fear and need for protection feel completely valid.
If you could could unabashedly challenge her with no resistance from her; the truth would very likely be that she would not be able to explain why she feels as she does.
My ex was/is scared of me too; she hasnt a single reason to be and it really broke my heart. The harder tried to reconcile her fear, the worst it got; it was almost as if I was validating to her that her feelings were accurate.
The biggest mistake we non's make is assuming that we really can fix other peoples problems. We can't, and assuming we can makes it worst. You can lead a horse to water, and if they don't want to be lead you simply have to accept it.
I am sure your ex loves/d you. However, if she is not aware of what her role is in the play, than it will always seem that a bad outcome is always someone else s fault.
Hang Strong.
