Overwhelmed

[Parents! Get help here!]

My adopted daughter was raised in a home that was neglectful and abusive.  She survived extreme abuse as a child and two abusive marriages.  She can be fun, witty and is very intelligent.  She can also be unreasonable, emotional and verbally abusive.  She wavers between idolizing me one moment and standing in the middle of my front yard screaming obscenities at me.   Light conversation turns from enjoyable to a nightmare in the wink of an eye.   I feel like I have lost my life and at her every whim.  She is so afraid I will leave that even the most benign departure sparks an episode of anger and accusations that can last for days. 

 Recently, her therapist mentioned BPD and the list of symptoms describe my daughter and our relationship exactly.  I love her but I need for our relationship to change for both of us and all of the people that we love.
 

[Mary Liz]

My adopted daughter was raised in a home that was neglectful and abusive.  She survived extreme abuse as a child and two abusive marriages.  She can be fun, witty and is very intelligent.  She can also be unreasonable, emotional and verbally abusive.  She wavers between idolizing me one moment and standing in the middle of my front yard screaming obscenities at me.   Light conversation turns from enjoyable to a nightmare in the wink of an eye.   I feel like I have lost my life and at her every whim.  She is so afraid I will leave that even the most benign departure sparks an episode of anger and accusations that can last for days. 

 Recently, her therapist mentioned BPD and the list of symptoms describe my daughter and our relationship exactly.  I love her but I need for our relationship to change for both of us and all of the people that we love.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mary Liz]

My grown adopted daughter is emotionally and physically exhausting me.  She was the product of a family who abused and abandoned her.   She is extremely afraid that I will leave her and yet pushes me away.  It is difficult to have even the simplest conversations because she always reads messages into the words that are not there.   I feel like we have a crisis a day or perhaps more.  Often a small incident will escalate to a point where it goes on for days and nothing I do will make it better.  I feel like I am held captive to her whims and needs.  If I go out with my husband or talk to one of my other children or make arrangements to go away for work, she will have a crisis.    There is no peace until I cancel plans and give in to her needs.  She has become more stable in her work and other relationship, but I feel like I am the lightening rod for all of her anger which I am powerless to help.

Just recently her therapist mentioned to me that she thought we might be looking at BPD.  After reading the information and watching the videos, I feel like there maybe some hope. 

How do you love and support a person with BPD and still have a life of your own.

[wendydarling]

Hello Mary Liz

Welcome! I'm glad you found us and sorry what your dealing with you daughter, it is overwhelming as you say and you've come to the right place for support and advice, many parents here relate to the behaviours you describe and going through what you are, you are not alone and it helps to share.

How old is your daughter Mary Liz and how long has she been in therapy?

You can't change your daughter, but you can change the way your interact with her and react to her.  There are some great tools to the right of this post, in the margin.  It can be a good place to start learning about some communication tools that can make it easier to communicate with your daughter.

We are here to help and walk with you. Do you have any support from family and friends?

WDx