Medicine taken I have no choice in where my child gets care

[formflier]

As of right now... .I plan to do nothing further about this issue.  I've got a call in to my Psychologist to see if we can get an extra session.

S16 has tonsils taken out.  With my agreement all of our kids, including S16 were left at her parents on Saturday while my wife and I took oldest daughter to airport.  Bit of a drive... we had to spend night.

We agreed all kids would come home on Sunday.

Sunday we get home... .and are having the "what next" conversation... .my wife suggests it's time for her to go "bring all the kids home".  I agree and go in house to start doing chores.

Things were perfectly pleasant... .up to this point.

Things were weird after she got back with kids.  Almost like she was trying to provoke a fight.  I remained aloof... .did other things.

It was later that evening before I discovered that S16 was not home.  I wanted to think it through... .so I didn't ask her about it.

Next day the morning was weird... .wife was picking at some religious issues.  I didn't engage with her.

There are texts throughout the day about getting extra medicine (Tylenol hydrocodone) for him.  When I picked up the medicine, I asked my wife to bring him home so we can give him the medicine there and care for him in our home... .as we had agreed.

She announces S16 wants to stay at her parents.  I invite her home to discuss a change to our agreement... make it clear that I am open to a change as long as there is clarity and mutual understanding.

She informs me she is visiting her parents and won't be home until a hour or so later.  

Things are weird when she gets home... .so I send her an email with the proposed compromise.  Essentially I would be ok with it if there is a log of the doses of medicine he was given, in case it is needed by a doctor.

Later that evening we finally had a pleasant conversation about another matter.  I then asked if she had given thought to compromise on S16 or read what I sent her.  Weirdness returned... .she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about.

I said I was open to communicate, that I had no idea what was going on and was in the dark.  I said I would appreciate her reading and responding to what I sent and left the room.

This morning... yep... more weirdness.  No morning snuggle.  She didn't attend family devotions.  As she is about to leave she asks about medicine... .I ask about agreement.  

She finds medicine... grabs it and starts to walk away.  I ask about a log... she accuses me of thinking her parents will steal the medicines... very nasty verbal exchange.  I said she was operation outside of my blessing and went back in the house.  

The following text exchange happened... .




FF wife: You asked to talk about S16 with me when I got home. Instead of doing that apparently you sent a looking email I have not had a chance to read this morning. That is a change in plans. Please discuss changes with me before unilaterally enforcing it upon me. 7:12 AM

FF wife: I apologize for calling you a moron when you demanded I keep a log of when S16 gets his hydrocodone to make sure he is the one getting it and not apparently my parents? I believe your mother is the resident hypochondriac but OK... .Will do on the log ... your very sick son will sign off on every dose. 7:14 AM

FF wife: I forgive you for continuing to be nastier and nastier in order to get me to disobey and/or be disrespectful to you... .I should not have fallen for it when you basically accused my parents of stealing hydrocodone from their grandson. Please forgive me. I understand you are dealing with mental issues. 7:16 AM

Me: I invited you to communicate verbally and in writing. I asked you about this last night before bed and didn't understand your answer. I expressed then... as I do now... that I have no idea what you are trying to communicate to me... .I DO NOT UNDERSTAND 7:17 AM

FF wife: You are absolutely making this up. You did not ask to speak with me before bed... .7:19 AM

FF wife: You are saying you tried to speak with me because you emailed instead. 7:20 AM

FF wife: Talked to nurse... .S16 needs to tough it out they day ten... .He is peeing every 8 hours so he is good... .His white scabs should fall off in a day or so and he should feel better 7:53 AM

FF wife: He has a little of the old bottle of hydrocodone left he hadn't taken any yesterday but took some last night 7:54 AM

end of text exchange

At this point... .I don’t think there is anything else I will “do”.  No point in further communicating about this.

Any thoughts?

I've called my P... she is going to try to work me in.  I'm surprisingly calm... .lots of sighing... .

Next step is to walk over to community center and work out... .work on my back.  Perhaps haircut.  Perhaps some other things.

Last:  I'll never know her motivations... .but it appeared to me she was taunting me with the bottle of meds she was taking... .perhaps hoping I would grab it from her.  I did not try and grab it.


FF

[Notwendy]

I'm confused about some of the details here. There is a pattern of your wife changing your agreements. If S16 is well cared for at the grandparents' house, then he isn't in any danger- so the issue is the last minute change in plans.

One missing piece here is S16. Did he want to stay at his grandparents? Was it quieter there? Did your wife feel it was a lot to work, take care of the other kids and S16 - even if you are there too? She may have decided it was better for him to stay there- but should have discussed this with you first.

The medication- is there an issue with your in laws abusing narcotic medication? What is the problem with it being over there? Also, while I would not let a 16 year old manage narcotic medication on his own, he is old enough now to know how often to take it and how much. He would tell if someone was not following instructions. He also knows when to ask for it- if he is in pain, or just Tylenol would be OK.

Lots of players here: you, your wife, in laws, S16- who is old enough to have a say in this- where he wants to recuperate and when he needs pain medication.

[formflier]

 
Yep... massively confusing

Few clear things.  

I was open to discussing a possible change with my wife... .she made a choice to stay and talk to her parents.

She made a choice to not verbally discuss if further last evening.

I let her know I was in the dark that I had emailed her a potential compromise and would she please read it and respond... .because I was lost.

This morning she acted and said she was surprised and didn't realize I had sent her something.  I did not engage on that.

Took the medicine that I signed for to her parents.

While I don't suspect her parents are actual users.  I know for fact that their other grandkids are users and abusers... .there is one conviction.  (This is same kid I kicked out of my house)

Honestly... .the log was more for future potential use with a doctor office, than controlling a controlled substance.  Sure... perhaps I'm a bit neurotic about tracking meds... .but... .there is history of medicines not being given on the proper schedule and bad results following.  

Doctors have spoken to her and I about this... .I've been the one pushing for clear accountability on meds.  This is not a new issue.

I have no relationship with her parents.  My choice.  Principle:  I do not spend time with people that treat me bad (abusively)... .especially when they promise to do it in the future.

OK... so really... .I've limited my life to one person that does that... .my wife.  

Yesterday was a stream of texts from my son... .at his grandparents house... .asking for medicine... .telling me he didn't have the right throat sprays... .and over the counter stuff.

What my wife told me he did to care for himself (with his grandparents help) does not match what he told me via text he did.  

While he was being cared for in our home, primarily by me, I could recreate a log of all the care he received... .

Now... .there are conflicting stories.

Sigh.

FF

[ynwa]

Hey Form,  clearly this is a multi-threaded problem and you have to deal with each differently. You have made a clear system for structure and consistency that is being tested.

I realized how tough it was because you are usually very clear and concise.  I had written some advice, but took it back.  You have a handle on this Flier.