Broke up but not broken

[half-life]

It was more than two years since I left my BPD wife. Divorce is still in progress and hopefully will finalize soon.

I read many people's stories here. Most people are heart broken and are at various stage of dealing with the pain and adjustment to the aftermath. I feel my emotion state are quite different with them.

I have not for a moment doubted my decision, that this is the right thing to do for my well being. Initially I suffered from guilt, for not making her happy as I've vowed, for not providing an intact family for my kids. But as time passes by, even guilt has receded. Every time I reflect upon this I become more certain. Our marriage has been misery and a sham for a long long time. We were tied together only because of obligation and fear of change. I have done my thankless caretaking. Now I feel I am not beholden to her anymore. From now on she is responsible for her own misery.

I heard that many people described they are traumatized and have to work on themselves. Yes, I am working on myself. But there is not a specific milestone to hit for recovery. Rather it is an ongoing process of positive development. Throughout the years I have learned to be more empathic, to be a better listener, to become more validating. This has induced a strong yearning for a healthy relationship. Though single now, I feel that I value a lot for a relationship and I will put a lot of effort into fostering it.

One of the ongoing project is I want to write the story about our past. It is a story of tragedy and bad mistakes. We have a chaotic and rocky relations for 10 year until I become aware of BPD. After that I start to recognize her behavior pattern. It was another five years of enduring misery before I finally take action.

This is where I am now. Single with a painful history. I know I have done the right thing for once. Now I am yearning for a better future.

[gotbushels]

Hi half-life 

Yes, there's a variety of stories and corresponding emotional states on the board here.

I think it's a good thing that you consider your wellbeing a priority in your decision making with your partner. Yes, each of us have feelings and they belong to the person feeling them.

It may feel that there's not specific milestone. Yes, it is an ongoing process of growth. Hopefully that growth can be described as positive development. I'm glad you shared that you took away those valuable skills from your experience with the pwBPD. Me too, I've felt that I want to put more effort into a healthy relationship after this kind of assessment.

You can consider the steps on the right as forms of milestones. If you can readily perform what's in those stages, I think you can say you've touched the milestone.

I look forward to seeing more of your thoughts on your growth from here. I encourage you to explore the board that covers personal inventory:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0

There are some interesting personal diagnostics on that board if you'd like to do some measuring.

I hope you maintain your peace.