Hello

[Suddenly Mom]

Hello.  This is the first time I have ever done one of these things.

My 16 year old step-daughter (I will call her SD) has BPD although we have been told that she is technically too young to be diagnosed but that her behavior is leading towards that official diagnosis if there is no intervention in the meantime.  So we have enrolled her in a DBT program, which she started in December 2016. 

A little history for perspective:  SD's father and I married in July 2015.  He has a 21 year old daughter and SD, who is now 16.  Prior to our marriage, the custody arrangement with his ex was pretty typical.  Every other weekend, holidays, extended summers, etc.  Our marriage seemed to trigger something in both his ex and SD.  Keep in mind that he had been divorced for 10 years and his ex had been engaged for most of that time and was still living with her intended.  But shortly after our marriage she left him and drug SD to her parents' house to live.  SD reacted and continued to escalate until March 2016 when we took emergency custody of her and then later were awarded full custody in June with no visitation forced upon SD with her bio-mom.  Bio-mom has serious psychological issues (likely BPD with serious NPD as well) so it should come as no surprise that her daughter(s) do as well.  The full force of them has come to light after having SD with us full time for 10 months.  I noticed things during visitation before we had custody, but the full weight of it was not realized.

I feel like she has hijacked our family and is sucking us dry.  All I can think about is in 17 months she will be 18 and not our problem anymore, legally.  Then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  My life was not roses and rainbows either and not one in my family gave a ___ about any of it.  I managed to overcome sexual/physical abuse, mental abuse and abandonment as a kid.  I realize I was not alone and I have strong faith because of it.  But I look at what we are doing for SD and how we have put our lives on hold (gave up our honeymoon to pay legal fees), made helping her our focus and are extremely understanding of teenage life.  We know she is sexually active and we put her on birth control, no lectures.  She's been in therapy since we got her and now she is enrolled in the DBT.  Sometimes I wonder if it is too much.  Would she be better off trying to bumble her way through it like I did (and so many others I know that are from my generation)?  Are we handicapping her by allowing her "disorder" to be a family focus?  Maybe someone validating her identity as BPD and therefore setting her up to use it as a crutch for her future?

Any insight or advice would be much appreciated.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Suddenly Mom,

What a lot of change in a short period of time, made doubly hard with BPD behaviors.

I understand the hijack feelings  

What are the BPD behaviors and traits that are most challenging for you?

I live with my SO who has a uBPD D19, and she stayed with us all last summer, and comes for extended holidays. I admit to counting down the days until she left to return back to college so I could take a breath. Being in a step parent role when BPD is involved might be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I would get your SD as much DBT therapy as possible and treat her like she has full-blown BPD even without the diagnosis. Read as much as you can about validation and setting limits, and make sure you take good care of yourself. I had to learn to step away from the dynamic so that it didn't suck me in, so that I could be a source of strength and some objectivity. It's a work in progress.

Would your H consider doing couples counseling with you? I did that with SO even though we have a good relationship. We even had a child psychologist attend one of our sessions to impress upon SO the necessary (and frankly counter-intuitive) skills needed to deal with D19, for her sake and for ours.

I think dads with BPD ex spouses are a special case because unless they do some serious work, they tend to lean on the same tactics with their BPD kids that they used with their spouses, not understanding that they are contributing to the dysfunction.

For example, D19 is super needy and clingy, and her behavior regresses around  her dad. She will act helpless with him, almost like she's a toddler, and that triggers his helper rescuer behavior. Whereas with me, D19 is more like an adult and instead of solving problems for her, I validate her feelings and toss responsibility back to her.

The difference with a kid who is BPD and a kid who had a regular tough childhood, is that she is probably genetically sensitive (which makes it hard to deal with overwhelming feelings) and was actively discouraged from developing a separate sense of self.

DBT is almost like a reparenting process, right down to the toddler years when kids had to go through the normal process of separating from mom, and developing a real sense of self.

It's pretty serious 

Anyway, so is your well-being. Take care of yourself, and post here so you know you're not alone. I learned to support SO while developing strong boundaries for myself that I am in charge of, and slowly we are learning how to co-exist when D19 is here.

[Suddenly Mom]

Thanks livednlearned. 

I am very lucky with my H as he is very receptive to whatever needs to be done and yes we have a couples counselor.  Your comment about dads with BPD ex spouses was on the money.  H has finally realized that he has some PTSD like traits from being married to her.  And yes, I do see the same tactics used on both of his daughters.  I have told him that it sounds like he is talking to his ex when he talks to SD.  Like an over-validating/congratulating tone and words meant to just escape the conversation.  LOL!

The behaviors that are most challenging for me are the constant need for attention, the LYING about every little thing and the hypocrisy.  She also has this terrible habit of being a tattletale in a passive aggressive way.  For example instead of simply walking up to her teacher and asking if she smells like smoke she'll say something like "Ms. So and So, can you tell me if I smell like smoke?  I just just around Adam and Eve, who were smoking."  It's like a constant need to point out how everyone else is doing something "bad" and she is perfect.  And also knows everything better than anyone else.

The first time I met her bio mom, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.  Growing up the way I did, my soul recognized what I was around somehow and warned me of the "danger" or familiarity.  The longer I love with SD, I am seeing the same kind of behavior in her that I saw in the bio mom and so I feel A LOT, like I just don't like her and I need to get away from her.  And then comes the guilt... .she's only a kid, needs love and acceptance, can't help it, etc.

I did buy a book Stop Walking on Eggshells and will begin reading that. 

[livednlearned]

Ugh, the lying is hard.

I am seeing the same kind of behavior in her that I saw in the bio mom and so I feel A LOT, like I just don't like her and I need to get away from her.  And then comes the guilt... .she's only a kid, needs love and acceptance, can't help it, etc.

It's ok to feel both ways, and probably normal.  

People talk here about self-care all the time and it wasn't until living with D19 that I finally got, fully and completely, what that means. It's serious micro care. It can mean small things like leaving the room when you feel yourself going into free fall, or leaving the house, or setting limits around specific behaviors (including: "I won't talk about other people when they aren't here".

I validate D19 and treat her with compassion, but that compassion is something I work hard at, and in order to have enough for her, I have to start with me.

There are phrases I've picked up through books and from members here that help me turn a situation around before my emotions get too super charged, and you will find ones that work for you. I haven't read SWOE (a bit hard to read for me, for some reason... .) but found Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning to be helpful, as well as Valerie Porr's book.

I Hate You Don't Leave Me has some good stuff, too, especially if you are teetering more toward resentment.

Buddha and the Borderline is written by a person with BPD about her recovery with DBT, and that book I read a few times, turning to it when I needed a dose of compassion.

I also have a few close friends that are great for venting, and they know I'm not a mean person, so it feels like a super healthy discharge of difficult feelings.

And this board is great, too  

[Suddenly Mom]

Thanks again.  I think I will order that Buddha and the Borderline book as I think the compassion part is a real struggle for me and I think it is very important.  Right now it often feels like a struggle between the two of us.  She WANTS me to mother her, desperately.  But she must sense my struggle for compassion toward her even though I try to hide it.  Thanks again!