Looking for support and guidance.

[Altered2017]

I have been  married for 15 years with 3 kids. My marriage has had its shares of ups and downs. Over the past couple of years, my wife's behavior has increasingly become more difficult to deal with. As I have researched our situation and sought support, I am more convinced that my wife has BPD and I am looking for strategies to best deal with our situation. In my research and reading, I have not really found anything that really pertains to my current situation so I am hoping that this forum can offer some help and insight. I look forward to getting to know the group. Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[marion1]

You didn't really specify but check out the material to the right of the screen, I am a "newbie" too and some of it is helpful.

[Altered2017]

The current situation I am dealing with involves sex with my wife. Over the past couple of years, I have discovered that my wife has had multiple affairs and I suspect that there are others that I do not know about. This has been very difficult for me to process through and I am still working on how I feel about all of this and how I should respond. Due to the breakdown in trust, I do not feel like being intimate with her in any way and I really do not feel like having sex with her. However, she daily pressures me to have sex and tries to make me feel guilty for not wanting her and not wanting to have sex with her.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?  I don't want to hurt her feeling and turn her down but at the same time I don't want to betray myself and open up myself to more hurt or worse.

Any suggestions or guidance is appreciated.

[marion1]

I would consider infidelity an extreme.  Your instinct to distance yourself is normal. You need to think about if you want to stay in this relationship.  Its not clear she understands how damaging to your relationship her affairs were.  You need assurance it will never happen again, of course.

[Altered2017]

Marion1:
I have confronted my spouse about her infidelities on several occassions. These confrontations were the most part met with defensiveness and denial. She only showed "remorse" when confronted with the proof I had of her infidelity. She would apologize but would never agree to cut off contact with these individuals. In addition, she would pester me to find out how I was getting proof of her infidelity and began adopting more evasive and secretative behaviors to keep me from being able to have proof of her infidelity. This patterned continued over the past couple of years and I finally got to the point where I no longer care because it was obvious that she didn't care how much this was hurting me except when she got caught. The infidelity plus a history of ongoing lying and deception have eroded all trust in our relationship. I would leave the relationship except for how leaving would impact my kids and I am concerned about the financial consequences. As it stands now, I am looking for a way to stay sane and remain together for our kids and then leave the relationship once the kids are graduated.

[marion1]

That is still a lot for you to put up with.  I've had a couple counselors over the years tell me divorce is not as hard on children as parents who constantly fight.  If you could get a home close to hers and joint custody it might be worth it.  I've thought hard before leaving my situation because I have kids too, but my situation is more his emotional dysregulation rather than infidelity or (major) abuse.  It doesn't sound like she respects you much.  She may eventually pull the plug if she finds someone she prefers and then you'll be divorced anyway.  It is really hard when kids are in the mix.

[drained1996]

Hi Altered2017,



I'm glad you have found us, but sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.  Dealing with a loved on with traits of BPD is very emotionally, mentally and physically draining... .hence my user name.  All of us here have felt that impact... .something you simply cannot explain to someone who has not brushed in a close relationship with someone like our partners.  If you check some of the stories here, I think you will note you are not alone... .and that you probably could have written a few of them. 
As Marion1 has pointed out, the tools and lessons in the upper right margin of this page are blueprints that may help improve you situation. 
One thing most of us have learned is we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  Communication, our reactions, and boundaries can go a long way in improving our own situation... .we are in control of all of that! 
Check out these links:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

I think you may find these helpful in the immediate future.

You have found a great place for knowledge, understanding, and sharing.  We are here to walk with you!