emotionally drained

[marion1]

Its too long and difficult to explain but its now clear after 11 years of marriage and 2 kids we have high conflict, some substance abuse, grudges, and terrible communication.  My husband has been underemployed the whole time we've been married.  We often fight about home chores.  Our fights can escalate where he throws things and we both yell when fighting. I want to go home and relax after work, but he's often stressed to the point of panic attacks and that stresses me out.  Where to begin.  I know now I have to be more mature and hold my tongue.  More empathetic.  Its draining.  We approach problem solving so differently I find it stressful to watch how he solves problems, but if I don't hold my tongue / give in to criticism or communicated annoyance, its a blow-out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board. Those of us without BPD often find it hard to not try to fix our pwBPD. That's what this board is about--fixing what is yours and letting them fix what is theirs.

I would highly suggest starting with the resources on the lessons on the right side of the page. It's important to learn that in order to make it better, we have to stop making it worse. Although their behavior is their responsibility, our reaction to them can change hte way a conversation goes.

[isilme]

Hi there.  Can you explain about home chores and how that causes fights?  In our home, I pretty much just do all the chores, because it bothers me if hey are not done.  H can stand a lot messier of an environment than I can, and so I accept that MY need for a clean house means I will spend my "free" time after work taking care of things. 

I see him as pretty much emotionally disabled.   It helps me keep from getting upset at the inequity of responsibility.  He DOES get up and go to work, and I can look at him and see that alone is a big strain for him.  He fights depression, negative self-views, and all manner of spiraling self-doubt, that in the past I typically invalidated and made things worse all the time, which contributed to blow ups and long fights and silent treatments. 

I thought I could "fix" his view of things, and you just can't.  All you can really do is distance yourself from the disordered thinking, allow both of you to each have your own emotions (meaning he may be ticked and you can allow yourself to not own that - it's HIS emotion, he can feel it, but he can't take it out on you).  I still have to tell myself, when I feel myself getting defensive, that "this is his point of view - I think it is flawed but I cannot change it, nor should I try, it is really a matter of opinion and he can feel his way and I can leave it alone and not try to change it" in my head. 

It CAN be draining, and I know when I am tired, sick, or just feel depleted I can't manage myself as well as when I am fully charged and strong enough and mentally adept enough to dodge the initial comments that can lead to a rage event.  But some of that just comes with time.  The tools will advise you on how to revise your own actions to stop feeding the fire - we want to defend ourselves - this just feeds the fire, because to defend yourself the pwBPD must be wrong and they CANNOT accept that - that's such a big part of the disorder.  So, how can you NOT respond?  I try to find a way to leave the room or the house.  I go to the store.  I mow the lawn.  I have some "that's nice, dear" bland responses, and genuinely when I can try to let him know I hear what he's saying, even if I do not share his feelings about it. 

How do you not get to relax?  Is he asking you to do things he won't do?  Is he leaving you with all the kids and house chores?  Sadly, the pwBPD is often about as equipped for emotional control as a young child.  Simply functioning all day as an adult at work can use up all they've got.  I am actually relieved if H vegetates on the couch when we get home - I can clean my way, in a manner I've refined over the years to be quick and efficient, and he's out of my way and hopefully not working up to being angry about something. 

Also, food - does your H get particularly mad if he is hungry?  I have found that H's blood sugar drops quickly, and he needs to eat within a reasonable time of getting home or he loses it.  It took years to spot this correlation, and even he is aware of it now, and so I can now ask - "how long before you need to eat?  Do we pick up dinner or is there time to cook?"  So if you ae having routine fights upon coming home, that MAY be an issue you can try to address.  I'm not saying blood sugar is the only thing going on, but that it contributes to how strong the potential rage is.  If we eat, H may just be tired and fussy.  If we get delayed, he can very well toss a bag of steamed broccoli at me once I've cooked dinner. 

One thing you can do is try to spot if he's more mad at certain times.  And what else is going on at those times.  If you ahve kids and need to pay attention to them, he could very well be jealous he's not getting attention.  If you are asking him to pitch in, he could feel the suffering martyr, or hen pecked husband. 

We are sadly the more aware in the relationship, and sadly, this means we have to accept more of the responsibility for adulting.  Like I said, if H can get to work a full day, and keep his job, I compliment him and let him know I see him trying.  It's sad, but with his issues, even just doing that is hard for him.  If your H is stressed and prone to panic attacks, he's prolly sleeping like crap, and if he keeps it together all day he NEEDS to vent it and the only way he currently knows is AT you, to make you feel as bad as he does to get it all out.  He can't self manage.  Imagine a eprson with emotional diabetes with out of control emotions instead of blood sugar, and maybe that will make some sense?  It helps me take less hurt overall, and helps me with being more empathtic if I can and not defensice and reactive if possible. 

[slcguy]

I am still trying to figure out how to handle rages also.  It really helped when my therapist told me not try to reason with her.  When I was accused of doing something that I had not done, I felt the injustice and felt obliged to set the record straight.  What I didn't know was that the thing I was being accused of may not be the cause of the rage at all.  My therapist told me to listen, communicate that I had heard and understood her point and then disengage.   Then evaluate for myself if there was something I should have done better and should improve on.  Still learning how to do this.  You can't just tune them out and ignore them, but you shouldn't put up with the abuse either.   Don't beat yourself up over the times when you responded with anger and participated in the fight.  A lot of us did that when we were trying to make sense out of what was going on.   

[Lockjaw]

Arguing is gas for their fire. Defending yourself, gas for their fire. Using logic, gas.

I tell mine I just can't defend myself. That's all I say now.

[Lockjaw]

And I think communication issues are huge. I was watching a video on this the other day. The guy giving it says to say this:

I heard you to say ... .and tell them, paraphrased what they said to you. Then ask :Did I get it right? Let them tell you yes or no, if no, let them tell you and repeat the whole process. When they say yes you got it right, ask :Is there more? And let them tell you, and repeat the whole thing until they say there is no more.

Then you can tell them what you want. He said not to interrupt them, just listen.

If you think about it, what do we pay a therapist for often times? Just to listen to us.

I have found with my GF that often times, she is fussing about something that has nothing to do with her real issue. You have to ask questions in a non threatening way to get to it. If you can. I struggle often. But I try.

[marion1]

This is all very helpful.  I felt so much relief to have people to talk to that can understand a little.  We "separated" and contemplated divorce this past Fall and the folks I was talking to about it are tired of hearing about our problems since we decided to stay together.  Things are tense again at home.  The articles in the right side column are very helpful. 
Someone asked why fight about home chores rather than do them all myself.  I do do a lot as well as childcare too but I really am the main source of income, he doesn't work all day at a draining job (though he is going to grad school and has several projects and a very minimal part time job) so I would find it unacceptable if I were to do all the home jobs as well as all the financial support.  I've hired a maid to help but she frequently cancels and comes less than once a month and it was a major "win" to have him accept that I needed one.  The problem is, he doesn't usually initiate projects, but says he's willing to do them if I ask him, but when I ask basic questions like when does he think it will be done he won't respond or is noncommittal.  I see now that is when I get frustrated, must be a button of mine he pushes.  Anyway,  I can try to learn more tolerance and acceptance.  He generally does do things around the house and is also at least equally (though he would say more) helpful with the childcare.  Its hard to get over the blow-outs though.  We both are building resentments.
 

[Tattered Heart]

The problem is, he doesn't usually initiate projects, but says he's willing to do them if I ask him, but when I ask basic questions like when does he think it will be done he won't respond or is noncommittal. 
 

My H does this too. He has all these great things he plans to do around the house and months (sometimes years) later they are still undone. The last project was that he was supposed to build us a brand new bed. We moved and ddin't bring our old bed becuase he was going to make one. After almost a month of sleeping on the floor, I asked him what measurements he needed for the new bed and he snapped at me that I need to go buy the materials, etc. He kept trying to put it off on me when it was a project he wanted to do. After another week I found a bed I wanted and he agreed to let me purchase it. I've started giving him timeframes to get things done and if they aren't then I"m going to hire someone out. I don't want my house to fall apart while waiting on him.

[marion1]

So here is a question.  If you want to make up with your BPD spouse after a tiff but you don't feel the last argument was "all you" and you don't want to reinforce that it is OK for him to blame you for everything, and you are afraid to rock the boat by bringing up the last fight (and the current situation is a bit cold) do you just make up by being affectionate and pretend nothing happened (while personally committing to better conflict avoidance in the future) or is it best to apologize for your part in the argument even though it is likely he will not apologize for his part?  Leaning toward letting it blow over with time and no words.

[isilme]

I don't so much go "makeup".  For us, if the fight lasted long enough to go to bed, wake up, and make to work, I know that usually by lunch I can simply hug him and that's it.  No words.  Often at that point, he tends to apologize for losing it, and I apologize for any part I had in it.  He gets really ashamed after he has a blow-up, and can't understand that I have been learning to distance myself from it for years, and that I don't loathe him like he internally loathes himself.  He can't own those emotions and will probably forever have them, and project them to avoid them.  Me trying to "talk" about things will just be seen as poking at him, insulting him, by reminding him he lost it and he can't ignore as easily anymore that his reactions are way out of proportion to whatever initiated them.

No words is best for us.  "Talking it out" will just re-start it.  Apologizing in the midst of the storm won't be heard, acknowledged, or do any good (unless it's something YOU need to do for your own well-being). 

[Lockjaw]

I think you should do what the bible says, go to your brother directly and speak the truth in love. Give a sincere apology for what you did only. So lets say you got mad and threw plates. Apologize for getting mad and throwing plates. Ask for forgiveness. At that point, you have met the bibilcal mandate and are released from what you did. Don't rehash what they did, or say anything to justify your actions.

What they do, that's on them. They may here your sincere apology and reciprocate. They may not. One place I read said a BPD isn't capable of apologizing, but my GF will. I usually end up hearing about what I did she didn't like that ended up starting a fight and argument.

It's hard to do this. I struggle with it sometimes too. Taking the high road sucks sometimes. But someone has to be the bigger person.

And again, I am not saying I do this well. It's what I try to do. 

[marion1]

Isilme: That is a good anecdote you shared and good advice.  We made up and the tension has gone for now. No apologies but also no demands for apologies from the other.  I think we both feel these altercations of ours, over not so important things, cause unfortunate stress in the relationship.  Took till Friday to get over Monday's fight though.  I'd say my not taking the "extended fight" bait Tuesday (his being a bit nasty) and my being very nice Wed-Fri (including my empathetic listening, he has a cold) helped a lot.