My Mother is a Narcissist

[Our abuse recovery guide]

HI,

I'm new to the site. I'm just trying this out to see if it helps. I'm looking for a support group in my area for adult children of narcissistic parents. I recently got engaged after finding an incredible guy to share my life with. Two months later, my mother who has been divorced for 20 years got engaged herself to a man I hardly knew. Everything spiraled from there. She's now refusing to help me pay for my wedding because she has to "think of her own". At thanksgiving, which was originally going to be my engagement party, she announced her own engagement and even had a wedding date. She hadn't said a thing to me, but was annoyed that I wasn't warm to her fiance. I tried to put my feelings away and asked if she'd travel to come try on dresses with me. She said "you know I don't really like that stuff". We didn't speak for a year because i'd had it. So the following year I tried to start fresh and put the past away and embrace that we were both getting married. I said I needed help paying for a $780 wedding dress which is crazy cheap considering. She gave me a check for half, $177 for my dress and 150 in cash. Then she asked me if I would be here wedding dress guru and help her find a dress and asked if i would take her shopping for a dress for herself. She tried on a dress and saw the price tag was $1500 and was like, "that's not so bad". I was so hurt that she had flipped the tables on me and I am using student loans to pay for my wedding and going deeply into debt, while she is sending me links on how to save for my wedding while she plans something elaborate at Duke Chapel. This is just a small tidbit of my mother's classic selfishness. She's seeing a counselor now but I have no idea if she's reached a diagnosis. I think its clear as day, being a clinical mental health masters myself. I just don't know what to do anymore. She hurts everyone around her and she's oblivious.

[bluepixey22]

HI,

I'm new to the site. I'm just trying this out to see if it helps. I'm looking for a support group in my area for adult children of narcissistic parents. I recently got engaged after finding an incredible guy to share my life with. Two months later, my mother who has been divorced for 20 years got engaged herself to a man I hardly knew. Everything spiraled from there. She's now refusing to help me pay for my wedding because she has to "think of her own". At thanksgiving, which was originally going to be my engagement party, she announced her own engagement and even had a wedding date. She hadn't said a thing to me, but was annoyed that I wasn't warm to her fiance. I tried to put my feelings away and asked if she'd travel to come try on dresses with me. She said "you know I don't really like that stuff". We didn't speak for a year because i'd had it. So the following year I tried to start fresh and put the past away and embrace that we were both getting married. I said I needed help paying for a $780 wedding dress which is crazy cheap considering. She gave me a check for half, $177 for my dress and 150 in cash. Then she asked me if I would be here wedding dress guru and help her find a dress and asked if i would take her shopping for a dress for herself. She tried on a dress and saw the price tag was $1500 and was like, "that's not so bad". I was so hurt that she had flipped the tables on me and I am using student loans to pay for my wedding and going deeply into debt, while she is sending me links on how to save for my wedding while she plans something elaborate at Duke Chapel. This is just a small tidbit of my mother's classic selfishness. She's seeing a counselor now but I have no idea if she's reached a diagnosis. I think its clear as day, being a clinical mental health masters myself. I just don't know what to do anymore. She hurts everyone around her and she's oblivious.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Bluepixey22:  

I'm so sorry about how you mom is detracting from your wedding.  This is a special time for you, and no one wants to compete with a mother or other relative. Your wedding should be an event to share with your mother, in a loving way.  I can see how disturbing it must be for your mother to try and reverse roles with you.

I was so hurt that she had flipped the tables on me and I am using student loans to pay for my wedding and going deeply into debt

Have you thought about some alternate plans?  Using a loan to fund your wedding, will really drive up the cost.  The money that you have to pay back for interest, could well go towards the purchase of property or furnishings for a new household.  

Could you scale down some things for your wedding, to minimize cost?  Perhaps you could delay your wedding, to give you time to save up more money and to eliminate the competition with your mom?  Some people have a small private ceremony initially, then have an elaborate event at a later date. (something a rational mom would offer to do for her wedding)

I'm just throwing out some ideas.  Perhaps, you have already thought through them.  If you haven't had a discussion with your fiance about alternate plans, you might want to consider that.  I'm thinking if some of the same guests will attend both weddings, having the ceremonies too close together could present negative situations with some of the attendees.  This is very selfish of your mother and she is only thinking about herself.

I'm debt adverse.  One thing I've never regretted is not getting into debt, and only running a credit card tab that I pay off monthly in it's entirety.  Sometime, people find that loans are necessary for the essentials.  If you are going deeply into debt for a wedding, you might want to make sure you understand what things are really going to cost you with all the interest added in.

I'm sure there are many other members who will jump in and share their wedding experiences with a disordered mother.  Planning a wedding is very stressful and you have a lot of added stress to deal with.  I'm glad that you are reaching out here to gain the input and support of others. 

[cmm]

Hi bluepixey22,

Welcome to the forum.  Hopefully it will be a nice place for you to express yourself freely without harsh judgment and find comfort.  The people who I've interacted with so far have been validating and great soundboards.  I too was looking for a group for adult children of narcissistic mothers in my city, but thought to try this forum first.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this tough time with your NPD mother.  Congratulations on your upcoming nupials though!  It's really such a downer that she's turning one of the most cherished, sacred and exciting times in your life into a nightmare.  You should be feeling love, support and excitement from her.  You certainly deserve to feel like a blushing bride with an army of supporters behind you every step of the way.  I'm sure you will look beautiful and have a stunning wedding in the end.  Do you have others who can support you with everything, like friends and other family members?

She is exhibiting classic narcissistic behavior, sounds just like my mother and a lot of the other mothers I've read about here.  Her future husband has no idea what he's getting into.  It sounds like she decided to get married just to have the spotlight on her.  Which means she'll be getting divorced just as quickly if that's the case.  It's so disheartening how NPD mothers will jerk the spotlight away from their daughters and put it on themselves with no conscience of the damage that is done.  It's definitely happened to me more than a handful of times.  The good news is that she is in counseling.  Did she decided to go on her own?  Has the counseling been helpful so far?

Have you considered going NC with her at all?  Everyone's situation is different and I know that's not for everyone but thought to ask.  Some people can tolerate NPD behavior from a distance and others not so much.  I'm one of the ones who just couldn't take it and went NC, which was almost 10 years ago.  My life has been so much calmer as a result and I would never go back to having my NPD mother in my life again.  They're all just like bulldozers and ruin their daughters' lives... .no thanks!

One side note: I agree with Naughty Nibbler that maybe it would be a nice thought to save some of your wedding money for an investment.  The fairytale is so beautiful, I know.  But you're really taking a big risk to use student loans to pay for things.  Just speaking from experience, it's tough to get out of debt once you're in it and if your credit gets damaged it's a nightmare that takes a minimum of seven years to fix.  Which can impact your ability to buy a car, house, and even get credit cards (all of which you probably already know) but it's so easy to get swept up in the moment of planning a wedding so the alternative is worth mentioning.  You could look on the internet for ways to cut costs and even do a lot of the planning yourself to keep costs down.

I wish you all the best with your wedding!  You deserve all the support you aren't getting from your mother and if she doesn't give it to you, give it to yourself and get it from others who love you.  It sounds like you have those supportive qualities by the way you supported her in her wedding dress search and upcoming wedding.  We are all behind you and support you here on the forum.  Sending peace, contentment and happiness your way! 

[muff]

I'm still a little confused as to what is narcissistic behavior and what's borderline. My mother also stole the spotlight from me a lot. At my college graduation she threw a party for me and my friends, but there are no pictures of me from that day. There are, however, pictures of my mother partying with my friends. So a lot of her behavior did seem narcissistic to me, but my father was the malignant narcissist. He did things she would never do, like name his dog after himself or spend literally hours telling me (why me?) all his theories on money and what a brilliant career he had and how everyone in town respected him. Her self-focus was much more... .I don't know, sneaky maybe? Or manipulative? Whereas his was blatant and clunky and obvious. He would compliment himself, while my mother would try to get you to compliment her. I've read that NPDs and BPDs often join forces, and that maybe roles can switch around somewhat, so maybe that's why it's hard for me to pin down. But whatever the label is, I can completely relate to your story. You're not alone, for what that's worth.

[cmm]

Muff, one parent is bad enough!  What a nightmare to be dealing with two.  I'm not an expert on NPD and BPD, only knowing what NPD is because I lived with the behavior for 20 years.  Maybe one of the moderators can answer that question, I have wondered it too.  And I'm not sure if it manifests differently in men and women, but I do know that men are more egocentric and so maybe that's the cause for your father's outward display of narcissism.

Hugs to you