BPD traits

[Confuzed1]

I am married with children for +20 years. It has been rocky from the start with high conflict fights that never seem to get resolved. 7 years into the marriage my husband self diagnosed himself with ADHD and started medication. This helped for several years but soon the high conflict has returned. Over the 20 years he has diagnosed me with many mental health issues to explain this high conflict however every marriage counselor we see does not support his diagnosis and in fact usually focuses on his negative affect on our marriage. We have seen 5 different counselors who all believe he is the main problem in our marriage. Currently he has settled on the idea that I have BPD traits that are negatively contributing to our issues. He is obsessed with this being the answer to our 20 years of problems. He is constantly reading the Nicola method and sends me articles all the time. I am at a loss. I do not believe I have BPD and feel like have no BPD traits couldn't fit just about anyone. What traits are BPD like versus having BPD. How did you know? 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vanx]

Confuzed1,

Sorry for what you are going through. Lots of conflict is really stressful, and it sounds tough to be "diagnosed" with what you don't agree with. It sounds like you have already done some research, but check out this guide about BPD which could help clear things up? BPD? How can I know?

I am not a licensed professional. Personally, I believe only a licensed professional should give the diagnosis. I think you make an excellent point that anyone can exhibit the traits of BPD. I know I can. An actual diagnosis is complex.

I hope if what he is reading could be positive, it could help you guys cope with having high conflict, if it is useful as a general communication tool, but it sounds like you are maybe feeling accused of being responsible? For you personally, has the counseling been helpful at all? Has he brought up the BPD issue in counseling? Hang in there--others will chime in here to help you get a fuller picture. Glad you are here to get some support!

I did want to ask--I was unsure, are you saying you feel that you are not BPD but do have some of the traits, or do not have any of the traits?