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[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. My partner was diagnosed 2 days ago. I feel at a total loss. What should I do?

[Torit]

Hi. My partner was diagnosed 2 days ago. I feel at a total loss. What should I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Torit,

Welcome and hello 

How long have you been together with your partner?

What happened that led to the diagnosis?

There is so much you can do, starting with what you already did. Post here, let others know what challenges you're dealing with, and read read read.

You're not alone.

LnL

[Mutt]

Hi Tori,  



I'd like to join livednlearned and welcome you, livednlearned has good advice for you, i'd feel lost too with that news but you know what? You'r partner is the same person that she was before the diagnosis, the disorder doesn't define a person, take a deep breath you're not alone.

[Torit]

Hi. I've been with my partner for 7 years. A very rough journey mixed in with a lot of love. I eventually had had enough and asked him to look for help as we have a 4 year old as well so this week we got the diagnosis. I feel confused and guilty for getting angry at him.
Thanks for the welcome

[Mutt]

Hi Torit,

I feel confused and guilty for getting angry at him.

Don't be hard on yourself, he got a diagnosis this week from a professional? A professional is trained to deal with mental disorders and they may see patients for a few hours a week? You're coping with this 24 7/365 for several years without professional training in personality disorders?

My ex wife knew how to push my buttons and she'd push all of them all at once.

[livednlearned]

I feel confused and guilty for getting angry at him.

That's pretty normal! Without (counter intuitive) communication and relationship skills, it's very easy to get tugged into the conflict. In fact, some people with BPD feed off that -- it validates for them their own intense feelings about things when their partner boils over.

How is your 4YO doing with all of this?

Is your partner accepting the diagnosis?

[Torit]

He does seem to want to fight and I've been on ann emotional roller coaster ride with him. he was professionally diagnosed and we are now in the process of searching for a Therapist. Does it get worse before any better?

our son loves his daddy but they do fight (argue) sometimes which triggers the BPD.

i said to myself this morning, I didn't cause it; I can't cure it... think I read that somewhere.

It feels strange having a name for it now, my partner has fully accepted it even saying that he understands why he has been the way he has for so long. If im 100% honest, I don't want to hear that as an excuse from now on.

Thanks for taking the time  hug-

[livednlearned]

BPD is an explanation, not an excuse. 

That goes for us, too. Therapy for him is only going to go so far because a lot of the BPD defensive strategies are relational.

Learning communication and other skills to manage the relationship can help stabilize the chaos and conflict, and teach your son important skills, too.

Read everything you can about validation -- I wish I learned this stuff when my son was young. He needed so much validation instead of the excuses I gave him about his dad's behavior. There is a lot of heritability with this disorder. Hopefully, your son is not genetically sensitive, and is a bit more resilient. If not, pay really close attention to him and learn everything you can about BPD so you don't have two on your hands. 

[Torit]

Hi

I can't cope with one very well. I am going to talk to a family support group for people with mentally ill family members here in Vienna tomorrow as I feel many emotions that I can't talk to my partner about. I feel angry and lost and wonder if it will improve or how to protect myself and our son. 

I also feel for my partner but I am so exhausted with fights and blame and constant mood swings etc.

I am looking for a good book if anyone can recommend one?

Thanks for being a support

[livednlearned]

If you feel worn down, resentful, and need some validation, the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me can be helpful.

If you feel more compassionate, there is Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning, as Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr (which focuses a lot on treatments, including DBT and Mentalization). They have a little overlap (both talk about validation) but offer just enough that it may be worth getting both.

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms has really helpful tips for introducing validation without making it too confusing. Here's an excerpt..

Recently, I read James Masterson's book In Search of the Real Self to understand the root of BPD. The DSM-IV criteria are more like a list of symptoms, and if you want to get your head around what the pathology is, and why splitting, disassociation, projection, etc. occur, it can help to read a bit more of the theory. There are other theories, but this one is in the ballpark of making sense to a layperson.

If you find yourself becoming high conflict in response (it happens), then The High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzetti might be helpful. He introduces DBT skills for both partners, even if only one has a PD.

Hope that helps

LnL